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Annoying to the max

You know what I really hate? People who sit there and complain endlessly and then do nothing about their situation. I know someone who has griped endlessly about how they want to go to college and all this to get a better job, but they have yet to look into a program or anything of the such. Then, they complain because they can’t find a job and when they do find a job, how will they work and go to school? So I told them about some of the Top Online Schools and even gave them websites to look up. Did they do any of that? Well heck no! So today when I saw them again and they still were complaining, I just walked away. I had nothing to say to them or else I’d seriously go off on them. If your life is in a rut, don’t complain, take action!

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Up in the air

I do not know what to say or even blog about right now. I am feeling very broken these past few days. My world has been turned upside down and I am clinging to any normalcy right now. I feel as if I have been attacked by the people who are supposed to love and cherish me for me and I do not understand why.

My father is no support at all when it comes to my wedding. He didn’t even seem interested in walking me down the aisle. I’d go as far as to say I doubt he cares one way or another if I was in his life or not. That hurts. It’s one thing to know your parent doesn’t care but when they so clearly draw it out for you, it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I really never thought he’d be this way. Don’t get me wrong, I knew my dad would never be the father I have romanticized over throughout my childhood but I didn’t realize I was so far off the mark when it came to him. I guess in my head I thought if I got married he’d magically turn around and be the dad I always yearned for but I was stupid to think that. I really feel like every time I’m happy, I try to get close to him only to be tore down by him. He breaks me every single time but yet I’m too scared to end the relationship because what if one day he comes around? I just don’t know how to let go and be okay without him because let’s face it, I really don’t have him to begin with.

My father I can deal with but I never saw the same thing happening with my older brother. For so long it has just been me and my brother but his true colors have definitely shown through. He basically told me that money spent on a wedding should go towards more useful things like moving out or what not. While I understand that, this is my first wedding. It’s not like I’ve been married before. I am entitled to have my dream day. He even had the audacity to tell me I should have a wedding like him, at the dining room table with a sack of Krystal’s as a reception. That is all fine and dandy that you had that sort of wedding with your wife but that is your third wife and your first marriage you had a wedding. A nice wedding might I add. He even had the gall to say how he hated his first wedding after my mom shelled out so much money on it that it is not even funny. He really hurt my mom’s feeling and shattered me completely. I guess you could say I never saw that coming because I always thought my brother had my back.

I just feel so raw because I don’t understand how my family can turn on me in such a way. I was talking to my cousin Erica after the clothes closet at the church and she told me that it was okay because my Heavenly Father loves me way more than my biological father ever could and when I cry, he weeps with me. That made me feel a little better and I realize now I need to get my relationship with God right so I can be strong enough to withstand whatever is thrown at me. I am through with letting other people tear me down just to make themselves feel better. It gets really old after a while. I’ve also decided my mom can walk me down the aisle because she’s always been there for me and it should be her honor, not his duty.

I just needed to get that out and into the open. Whenever I vent my feelings on my blog I feel so much better because they are out there and said instead of bottled up. I have a lot to look forward to in my life and I hope I can be strong enough to not let others affect me. I need to finish getting dressed for church. My family has decided church is a place we all need to be right now and honestly, I’ve missed it. We also have decided to restart Thrive tomorrow so we can be healthier physically and spiritually which will lead towards emotional and mental health as well. So until next time, later loves.

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It sure ain’t helping this mood I’m in

This past weekend with Rans was absolutely amazing. It was so carefree and comfortable being around him 24/7 and his house was welcoming. I had no problem being there by myself while he was at work either. I felt safe and like I was in my own little Rans bubble being surrounded by all the things that make Rans the man he is that the thought of being by myself never entered my brain. He went out of his way to make me feel like the center of the world and told me the whole weekend was about me. I’ve never felt so special in my life and I feel beautiful because I look at myself through his eyes now. I’ve never taken the time to think about how he sees me and I’ve never been so in love yet alone so sure about it. We spent a lot of time talking about our future and even our future kids. It was fun and for once I didn’t feel the need to bolt when the future came up like I usually do. So all in all, my weekend went amazingly well and I was in such a good mood when I came home yesterday.

Today, on the other hand, has gone to hell in a hand basket. For the past two or so weeks I’ve been working on a research paper with my topic being the Lost Boys of Sudan. I felt really confident on my paper and thought for sure I’d get at least a high B but boy was I wrong. I received a 78 and damnit, I was and still am pissed. He said I didn’t have my five citations within the paper but nowhere on our rubric or research paper information did it say five citations. It did say five SOURCES though from where our research came from. I’m just upset and feel like no matter what I still fail in my writing. I told the teacher that I loved writing until I took his class and now I hate it. I feel like my work is always picked apart and given a grade I don’t feel I’ve earned. I had tears in my eyes at the end of the appointment and wanted to get out of there so bad. I went to the bathroom and tried to control myself before I had a full-out break down. While in the bathroom this girl I know walked in and tried to cheer me up and said she was a big crybaby when it came to school which kind of made me feel better. I wasn’t trying to cry but I was so upset and mad it put me to the point of tears. I did bite my lip and held it together while in his office which I am really proud of. I didn’t like the fact that I had to walk into my education class with obvious teary-eyes but the class rallied behind me which made me feel a lot better. I guess their support made me feel like I was a part of something and belonged. It also helped texting Rans and hearing what he had to say. He instantly makes me feel better. I told him I wished I was back at his house in his bed so I could be surrounded by the scent of his room which immediately makes me feel at ease. That kind of sounds weird but my man smells good and certain scents make me feel better. I guess I am weird like that.

So what have I learned from this experience? That sometimes, teachers suck and you just gotta deal. Let it all roll off your back because I don’t have that much longer in this semester. Sadly, I have him this Fall as well but I won’t have to see him thankfully. I can study for our midterm and final and work harder on my papers. I will get a high B at least in this class come hell or high water and a C is not acceptable in my book. I have a lot of work cut out ahead of my but I can get through it. Right now I’m just looking forward to tomorrow night when I’ll be meeting up with Rans in Cartersville again so I can go back to his house. I miss him terribly. I know I go on and on about him but I can’t help it. He is such an established part of my life and I can’t imagine it without him. I really don’t think I’ve ever been in love before him; I always thought I was but if this is what love truly feels like, I never was. I really think that if I have to question if it was love or not then that’s a key clue it wasn’t. I’m just thankful that for once I’m in a good place in my life and things are stable around me. So I have a sucky class, so what? If that’s the least of my worries, man, I have it truly made!

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Weekend from HELL

So this weekend, starting Friday night, has been the weekend from hell. After Rans left Friday night, we got a call from my cousin Donna. Evidently my cousin had wrecked and was at our house, but he wasn’t inside. So my sister and I looked outside and sure enough he was hiding behind our mailbox. Our mailbox is a brick mailbox so it’s big and bullky and since my cousin is a skinny minny he could hide behind it. So I asked him what was wrong and what did he need me to do for him since obviously he wrecked and needed help. He told me he wanted to go home but when he talked I knew something was wrong. I took him home and on the way home, a police rounded the curve just as I pulled out of their driveway. My mom called and told me that me and my sister could be considered an accessory because my cousin ran away from the scene to our house. I didn’t know that at the time. I knew he wrecked but I figured he was caught in a ditch like I did once in Rockmart. Nope, he literally wrecked. Donna wanted my mom up at the scene and when we got there I was shocked. On top of the car was a six pack and an opened can of beer. I was livid. The police wanted to talk to me but I wasn’t in trouble. They basically wanted proof he was driving since he kept saying he wasn’t even though everyone knew damn well he was. The house he wrecked in front of evidently had people outside and saw him run away. So in the end my cousin finally admitted to it and was carted off to jail only to be bailed out by his dad the next morning. Donna wanted her husband to leave him in there for a good week or two since this is like the third time he’s done something stupid like that. I believe he does need a little tough love to knock some sense into him.

That was only the BEGINNING of the weekend from hell. On Saturday was my sister’s senior prom. She was so excited and her dress looked amazing. She woke up that morning and went to go get her dress since the place that altered her dress had not hemmed it short enough for her. After getting her dress she went to get her hair fixed and then came back home. We kept asking her when she needed to be ready because some family members wanted to come see her all dolled up and ready to go. Her boyfriend didn’t even want to come pick her up, he told her that she needed to find a way to Berry College. She obviously couldn’t drive since she wouldn’t be able to do anything with her car so we took her. We were running twenty minutes late since we had to be there thirty minutes before we thought we had to be.

When we got to Berry, she kept calling him to see where he was so we could meet up with him, take their pictures, and then they would leave. He never replied. So she called him and his mother’s cell phone with no answer. In fact, his mom forwarded her calls to voice mail after the first two calls she made to her. His mother was supposed to be there so Beth was getting upset. We got to the waterwheel which was the meeting place and he was nowhere to be found. So after waiting a good fifteen minutes in the Tahoe, I told her to get out and let’s take some pictures while we were there. Thirty minutes later, he still had not called or replied to her texts. So my mom said that we would go to Swan Lake and take more pictures of Beth and maybe they were over there. Well while we were at Swan Lake, my cousin Donna texted him to see where he was since he didn’t know her number. He told her he was there for over an hour and then left. That’s a lie. We were only twenty minutes late!! So basically, Beth was stood up because he still would not answer her. It was horrible because during her pictures she was crying and I know she was trying to be strong but it’s really hard with something like that happens. One of her friends Devin showed up with her boyfriend and they offered to give Beth a ride. We also took a picture of Devin’s boyfriend and Beth and he sent it to Beth’s boyfriend. Lol.

So after the whole Berry fiasco my mom, Donna, Selena, and I headed home. Maybe an hour after we got home, my cell rang but it died before I could pick up. I figured it was Rans but then my mom’s home phone started ringing. It was Beth. Her now EX boyfriend showed up at Prom with another girl and flaunted her all in my sister’s face. My sister said she was trying not to cry but wanted us to come get her now. She was very upset and couldn’t believe that had happened. I swear to God he better be glad I’m too scared to go to jail or I would’ve shoved my foot up his ass. I just can’t believe someone would do that to someone else.

My sister did end up going out with some friends who didn’t go to prom and said she had a better time so I am glad about that. I didn’t want her prom night to be ruined and luckily she bounced back. I do know she’s utterly embarrassed and I don’t blame her. She’s worried about what all is going to happen on Monday morning. I hope it all goes smoothly.

Thankfully today was pretty eventless compared to Saturday. We had a family dinner with Donna and her husband, Roger. We do that quite often here lately. I think later this weekend we’re all going to have lasagna. Donna and my mom are around the same age and basically were raised like sisters and since they’ve gotten older they’ve grown even closer. I talked to her a lot about teaching since that’s what she does.

Well unfortunately I need to get off of here. I still feel like crap even though I’ve taken my medicine religiously. I hope it’s just the pollen overage making me sicker and the medicine is working correctly. I probably won’t be able to blog that much this week since I’m having to play catch up. So until next time, later lovelies!

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I need a vacation, like NOW.

I am so tired and irritated today. For the past two nights I’ve been sick to my stomach non stop. During the day I am not affected but let it come time for me to get in bed and low and behold, the magic upset stomach decides to poke its nasty head up. So that means I’ve been sleeping until almost 2 PM since I don’t fall asleep until my siblings leave for school. Waking up so late makes me feel like the day is shot and I will not be able to accomplish anything. It leaves me feeling like this week I am a complete failure. Also, I haven’t stuck to my diet so much since everything I eat makes me sick so I basically haven’t ate much at all. I got on the scale today and it showed I gained a pound. What the hell!?! I haven’t ate hardly anything all week so how did I manage to gain? I have even been drinking the required amount of water as well. I swear, this weight thing is irritating me. My mom said it could be my yaz since this is the first week of pills which can cause me to have access water weight. Gee, thanks birth control.

Tonight I had English and we have been assigned our longest essay and also the hardest essay of the class; an argumentative persuasive essay or something like that. I really need a good topic as well. I was considering writing on should the drinking age be lowered or should marijuana be legalized but I’m really unsure. I will decide later this weekend.

For now, I plan on eating dinner, watching television, and waiting on sexy loverboy to get up here. Yes, I get to see him tonight and I am uber excited. I miss him like crazy and I know he will make my week so much better. So until next time, later lovelies!

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