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The fog is lifting

I have been thinking really long and hard lately about just deleting this whole domain and restarting but I realized deleting this domain is deleting a part of myself and my past. Our pasts are what makes us the person each of us are today so by doing so I’d lose hold of that person which would be a bad thing. So I’ve decided just to start fresh from here on out blogging how I want to and when I want to. I always try to keep my blog positive and uplifting instead of touching base with my real feelings at time and because of that, I apologize because the new “blogging me” might come as a bit of a shock. I am not always shiny and happy. In fact, I’ve been becoming increasingly more depressed lately as the seasons change. I think I have seasonal depression because when the sun is out and shining, I am happy and when it is not I am all gloomy inside. Hopefully I will have the time and money to visit a doctor and get that taken care of soon.

As I’ve said it’s been kind of dark and gloomy in my world these past few days. Simple things seem to set me off. Like yesterday, I had plans to go to the movies with Jonathan but then I remembered I had a cooking show to go to. Jonathan was upset I made plans again and as usual something came up and then my mom was mad because she bought my ticket therefor I was going. I cried and cried yesterday over this because I was upset I let the two people I love the most down. Usually I would have brushed off the situation and worked out a solution but seeing as the seasonal depression has been lurking around me I had a breakdown. I swear I cried for a good hour and a half straight to the point Jonathan kept asking me what was wrong and I couldn’t answer him because I didn’t know. I kept telling him I couldn’t stop crying and he just laid down with me and held me telling me everything was going to be okay. That helped a little but the tears wouldn’t stop at least not right then. When they finally did stop I felt really stupid because I had just acted a fool in front of him. I also felt bad because he thought my crying was all of his fault but then I had to explain to him my whole history with depression and how I used to be on Prozac but it made me have suicidal thoughts so I stopped taking it. I don’t care what is going on in my life, it is NOT worth killing myself over and when I had those thoughts it scared the crap out of me. It also made me have horrible mood swings and I’d go from a high to a low in the matter of minutes. After stopping the medicine, I was fine and my usual self which I missed. So I guess I will consider the option of medicine again.

In other news, my mom and I joined THRIVE weight loss. A bunch of our friends have been on it and lost a lot of weight so we thought it’d be worth checking out. So far on our scale at home it looks like I’ve almost lost a little over ten pounds but now I’m worried our scale and the scale at the center won’t be the same. Even if it isn’t, I’ve done my best. I never realized how big of a battle it would be to change my eating habits but I am fighting for my life so to speak. I just want to be able to go into any store and be able to buy an article of clothing without having to go to a “fat girl” store. I was even let down when I drove an hour away to go to an Avenue and all the sizes there were 14/16 and mind you this is a store that goes up to a size 32 so I was expecting to find my size since they have such a variety of sizes available! I only found one pair of jeans in my size because I really didn’t see many sizes over a 20. I feel sorry for the people in a bigger size than I am because if I only found one pair of my size, there were literally no bigger sizes available. It was very disappointing to say the least. I officially weigh tonight so I will let you know my results tomorrow or the next blog.

And now I need to start getting ready but I will leave you with some pictures I took outside today. It was sunny and pretty outside so I thought I’d take Jack outside and our cat, Precious, decided she wanted to play with him. They had fun running around for a bit and I enjoyed watching them until Jonathan let go of the leash by accident as Jack started running and it came up and bashed my leg which is now bruised from it. Ouch. But until next time, later my loves!

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I need a vacation, like NOW.

I am so tired and irritated today. For the past two nights I’ve been sick to my stomach non stop. During the day I am not affected but let it come time for me to get in bed and low and behold, the magic upset stomach decides to poke its nasty head up. So that means I’ve been sleeping until almost 2 PM since I don’t fall asleep until my siblings leave for school. Waking up so late makes me feel like the day is shot and I will not be able to accomplish anything. It leaves me feeling like this week I am a complete failure. Also, I haven’t stuck to my diet so much since everything I eat makes me sick so I basically haven’t ate much at all. I got on the scale today and it showed I gained a pound. What the hell!?! I haven’t ate hardly anything all week so how did I manage to gain? I have even been drinking the required amount of water as well. I swear, this weight thing is irritating me. My mom said it could be my yaz since this is the first week of pills which can cause me to have access water weight. Gee, thanks birth control.

Tonight I had English and we have been assigned our longest essay and also the hardest essay of the class; an argumentative persuasive essay or something like that. I really need a good topic as well. I was considering writing on should the drinking age be lowered or should marijuana be legalized but I’m really unsure. I will decide later this weekend.

For now, I plan on eating dinner, watching television, and waiting on sexy loverboy to get up here. Yes, I get to see him tonight and I am uber excited. I miss him like crazy and I know he will make my week so much better. So until next time, later lovelies!

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Don’t hang up, can we talk?

I obviously haven’t had a chance to blog since I put this theme up. I’ve been super busy with school and all that junk. Aside from school, I’ve had major cramping and sinus issues; so I’m not really a happy Kate at the moment. I really think I have the “Spring Break is over blues” since I swear Spring Break flew by and didn’t last long enough. Over Spring Break I had a take home Math test and a comparative essay rough draft to write for English. I wrote my essay Monday before I had to turn it in and then did my test Monday night before I had to turn it in Tuesday. Yes, I’m a procrastinator which really surprises me because I swear I have the best of intentions but you know what they say about that.

In other Kate news, I decided to go back on Weight Watchers. After reading various weight loss blogs, like Caity’s, and seeing a girl on MySpace who lost 118 pounds in 11 months, I decided it was time I take a serious crack at weight loss. The only thing I hate is having to eat three meals a day because I don’t really get all that hungry so the first week was spent training myself to eat three meals a day. The first week, I lost 2.5 pounds and I don’t weigh this week until Thursday. I know why my loss wasn’t as grand as I’d hope for last week. I struggled with eating and it was Spring Break so I mostly sat on my butt doing nothing. Now that I am back in my classes and walking every day I know my loss will be a little better. I doubt it’ll be as grand as I hope for again since I’m going through synthroid withdrawals. My prescription is ready at Wal-Mart but I haven’t had time to pick it up yet since I’ve felt like crap.

Even though I feel awful, I’m excited since Rans will be here tonight. I miss him tons and I am getting to the point where it’s painful to have to go days without seeing him. I want to be around him all the time and I take strength and comfort from having him around. He’s also my number one supporter weight loss wise since he knows I want this which makes him want it as well. At first, I was reluctant to talk about anything weight related with him since in the past I’ve been made fun of by past boyfriends. Those times were really low blows and I found it hard to bounce back from it since I never assumed the person I was with would insult me in that way. So I’m thankful loverboy is the opposite way. He lifts me up.

I really hate to have to blog and run but I have got to find some clothes to wear to class. Evidently we’re having a writing tournament which is my professor’s form of the NCAA basketball tournament. Yeah, he’s a little weird at times. Lol. So until next time, later ya’ll.

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Wow, time flies or I’m just lazy!

Wow, I can’t believe how much time has passed since I last blogged. Christmas came and went as did New Years. I will post more pictures later, I’m just trying to make a quick post in order to vent my frustrations and hopefully get in a better mood. I am full of anxiety right now over the big test I am supposed to take tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow is when I have to take my COMPASS test. I am really nervous but extremely excited at the same time. I just hope I score high enough to not take any extra classes. I’ve always been the nervous type when it comes to tests. I always assume I am going to do horrible but always end up doing fairly well. My friend said it was pretty easy since you build up with the difficulty of your questions and when you miss two in a row you go back down a level. I am pretty sure I will score alright it’s just the test said stuff about calculus and other crap I never had since I was home schooled and never had to have it in college. Sadly, none of my core classes from my old college transferred. Oh well. I guess I will just start over and deal with it. I really don’t have a choice anyways.

So anyways, I am going to finish watching last night’s episode of “Secret Life” and head to bed. I just need to unwind. Thankfully I have the support of my family and my amazing boyfriend. Rans is awesome. I told him about my friend who lost 108 lbs. with Weight Watchers and power walking in eight months and I thought I might try to join Weight Watchers again since my thyroid level is finally where it is supposed to be. So after telling him about it and telling him I thought about joining he was really supportive. He told me he loved me the way I was but he was all for me becoming healthier. So we’ll see how that goes. I won’t be able to join until Thursday though since I have my test tomorrow. So I’m off to relax now. So until next time, later gator.

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Bad Blogger!

I’ve seriously been a horrible blogger. All of my people I usually comment on, I apologize profusely. I’ve been busy lately so I haven’t had time to blog. Or maybe I’ve had stuff to blog about, I just needed to get things straight in my head before I blogged about them ya know?

Last week, I went to my doctor. I was so excited to go because I had decided I was finally ready to take weight loss seriously. I’m at a point in my life where I am seriously considering walking down the aisle and having babies and all that jazz. In order to do so, I want to be healthy. I don’t care about looking better or whatever, I just want to be healthy so I can enjoy my life. My father was diagnosed with diabetes which puts me at an even greater risk to be diabetic myself so that’s another reason to take the weight thing seriously. I’ve always wanted to lose weight, I just needed to get prepared mentally for it first. I’ve finally shed the unhappiness and the inner darkness Kate so I’m ready to get started.

When I brought up the subject with my doctor, she immediately popped my happiness bubble. I thought she’d give me some suggestions on maybe vitamins, a gym recommendation or whatever but no, she told me to become a vegetarian because you don’t see overweight vegetarians. I was heartbroken. I just didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything at all. I understand that my doctor is skinny and maybe she doesn’t know the trials and tribulations to be overweight and be faced with a long, hard journey but I really think she could have said something more than be a vegetarian. Or maybe I just thought in my head she’d be supportive. I don’t know what I was expecting to be honest. All I know is on the car ride home I cried like a baby because I feel like I needed my doctor’s support and words of wisdom to help me out to get started but I didn’t get that.

I can go without a lot of things food wise and I am ready to make sacrifices but to totally cut things out will not work with me. I have to take things gradually. It’s bad enough that I don’t eat how I’m supposed to. I eat about a meal or two meals a day and that’s it. My mom and boyfriend have started to crawl my butt every time I feel light headed and weak from not eating because I need to take better care of myself. I am starting to eat the designated three meals a day plus two healthy snacks. I’m just picky about what I put into my mouth and I’m sorry but I’m a Southern girl, I gotta have my meat!

So my thoughts on my doctor? Screw her. I can do this but on my own terms. I know in some cases that isn’t always the most ethical way to do things but I do understand I need to burn more than what I take in but since I haven’t been eating the way I should be lately, I need to get on a balanced diet and schedule to get my body back in order. So, this shall be a fun ride. I don’t plan on starting til after the holidays. I’m sorry but I want to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am going to cut back after Thanksgiving and get used to eating three meals a day. I don’t really eat a lot Christmas since I do most of the cooking but I don’t want to feel guilty if I eat that holiday. I guess I’m made to feel guilty when I eat because I am overweight. I know that if my thyroid level was where it’s supposed to be at, all my past attempts at weight loss would’ve worked. My old doctor flat out told me this because every time I cut back and no results, I feel like a failure. I’m trying to work on not feeling that way though. Luckily for me that I have a supportive family and an even more supportive boyfriend.

I need to go defrost some chicken for dinner so until next time, later gators!

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