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A killer job

When I was at my dad’s house the other night, he was talking about how one of his friends had Asbestos cancer which is a rare form of cancer that affects people who are exposed to the toxins found in Asbestos. I was kind of confused since I know what Asbestos was from watching Extreme Home Makeover but I didn’t know it actually caused a form of cancer called Mesothelioma. It turns out that a lot of people in trades related to construction such as plumbers, pipe fitters, electricians, and the like are at risk of getting Mesothelioma. My dad is also an electrician but he works in at a plant instead of working in houses but his friend is an electrician that people hire to fix things in their houses. It turns out that a neighborhood that the city has been revamping had a lot of houses that did have Asbestos hence the need to revamp them. Evidently during the revamp which his friend was a big part of, he got the cancer.

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Bruises fade father

So I am finally letting go of all the pain and resentment I have towards my father’s family. I’ve decided to just try to move past it because honestly, if they want to act that way I am better off without them. I’ve come to realize that his side has not ever been there for me. Let’s have a short run down shall we? First off, he abused my mother, brother, and I when I was little. He pushed my mother to the point she had a suicide plan. Also, when we were having a conversation a long time ago, my mother let it slip that sometimes he would force her to do things which for a while led me to fear that I was a product of rape. Finally after asking her I found out I was wanted by her but to him, I was just another obligation. Also, when I was a child I had multiple surgeries to which he never called to check on me or even come visit me in the hospital. It was like he didn’t even seem to care. Now let’s move to to his family like his father, my grandpa, molested me when I was seven years old. His sister-in-law, my aunt, substituted our health class when I was in middle school and she decided to talk about how fat I was and how I needed to lose weight. Yeah, what a confidence booster, huh? And his nephew, my cousin, evidently told Drew that I loved dick and was slutty. Wow. His step-mother, my step-grandmother, has always looked down on us because we didn’t go to a private school like her grandchildren and we weren’t preppy enough for her liking. Let’s also mention how one of his brothers hasn’t muttered one word to me since I was real young. I just can’t comprehend how I want to be close to those types of people.

It never hit me that letting go is sometimes for the best until I watched this week’s episode of Life Unexpected. Kate has a similar problem since her father left and when she discovered he sent her birthday cards she got her hopes up because she assumed he wanted to be in her life. Come to find out, he didn’t want to be her father and her mother hid the cards from her because she thought it was for the best. I think that is what gives me hope when it comes to my father because he gives me a birthday card with $50 every birthday and a card and $100 every Christmas. I have now realized that the money and card were just for him to feel better about his past decisions in life. Just because someone acknowledges a holiday or even you at times does not mean they want to be in your life. Sometimes, an acknowledgment is just something that makes them feel less of a shitty person. Yes, that one hour of television really opened my eyes and enlightened me. It also made me realize I blame Jonathan for how he acts at times because it reminds me of my dad and I think he will act that way when really, I am just mad at my dad and just can’t take it out on him so I choose Jonathan. All my doubts about the wedding day are ridiculous because Jonathan is not like my father and never will be just like I will never be like my father. I will not be an abusive asshole to my significant other and turn my back on my child. I will not judge them based upon their life decisions and I will be proud of them and show them how much I love them on a daily basis.

Wow, that just took a load off of my heart seriously. How can I carry around all this crap and still expect myself to function as normal? Jonathan has been trying to take my mind off of things by talking about our future plans for our room. We plan on pulling up the carpet finally and replacing it with the snap together hardwood floors. This will eliminate a lot of my tendencies to get sick especially due to my allergies. My doctor recommended this a long time ago but we are just now getting to the point where we have the time and resources to do so. We will be putting two rugs in our room, one by the computer and one in front of our dresser, to add a little color and so the dogs have a soft place to lay. I think the whole sketching out how we want to decorate our room is one way I can take my mind off things and relax a little. Creativity is definitely one of my stress outlets.

It’s getting late and I need to head to bed. I have classes tomorrow if I can finally stay out of the bathroom. I had my substitute training class this morning and I woke up with a bad stomach ache but I decided I would try to push through the day since it was only a four and a half hour class. The whole class my stomach rumbled and gurgled while I had these nasty burps but I made it through! I actually made it home barely in time before I just exploded. I have never threw up or spent so much time in the bathroom ever. My stomach still hurts and is all bloated but hopefully I will wake up feeling refreshed in the morning. One can hope can’t they? So until next time, later loves.

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He thinks he is so sly

For as long as I can remember, Jonathan has been talking non-stop about getting an xbox 360, but I haven’t had the resources to get him one. So for Valentine’s Day I thought I’d start searching on craigslist.com and see if I can find a reasonably priced one since my friend Jon buys all kinds of things off of there. For days I have stalked the site and finally I found a guy selling an xbox an hour away for $175 and it came with games and accessories. I was so stoked so I immediately e-mailed him and left my cell phone for him to call back. He accepted my offer of $150 (yay for saving $25!) and my sister and her boyfriend, Hayden, drove to Kennesaw to pick it up for me.

Let me first say that Jonathan is a very sucky gift giver. It’s not that he isn’t good at picking out presents, it’s just that he can’t keep a secret. Like if he buys me something for a holiday before the actual holiday, it eats at him until he gives it to me. I really don’t mind because my baby has really awesome taste. So he has already gave me my Valentine’s Day gift of a new watch which I absolutely love. I will take a picture of it later as soon as I located my camera. So since he already gave me my present, I went ahead and gave him the xbox. He is so excited that he hasn’t stopped playing his games. Lol. I’m just glad that he liked the gift and he has something he can entertain himself with. He is so adorable because I’ve been trying to lay down and the whole time he keeps asking me if the noise is bothering me because if it was he would turn the game off. I swear, I love that boy more and more each day.

Speaking of my sickness, the doctor basically told me she doesn’t know what is going on with me. She did a flu swab which came back negative but my mom wished she would have done a strep test because we’re convinced that is what I have. After coming home from the doctor and getting my prescriptions of an antibiotic and some cough medicine, I have started to run a fever and the whole left side of my face from my ear to my neck is killing me. I don’t know what is going on but my mom looked in my throat and I now have puss pockets showing up. Geez, why couldn’t they be visible when I was at the doctor!?! Thanks body, I appreciate it. My doctor also was proud of me for losing three pounds even though it would’ve been fifteen if I hadn’t gotten sick because laying in bed for two weeks is not good for weight loss. She recently put me on some weight loss medicine and I am going to start back on it once I get better. The only bad thing was the weight loss medicine paired with my medicine for PCOS made my blood sugar drop so I wasn’t feel sick a lot but she gave me solutions on what to do for that so now I am happy. I just need to up my protein some during my meals so I can have more of the “good” sugar my body needs.

I am going to go take another dose of my cough medicine and pray this knocks me out. I got two hours of sleep last night thanks to my coughing and all the dogs in the neighborhood were barking which caused Jack to sit in the window and bark off and on for two hours. I also got the pissed scared out of me when I looked out to see what he was barking at and our cat, Precious, hopped up in the window at the same time I looked out. Man, I jumped because I am scared of the dark or at least the outside at dark. Yes, I know, I’m a baby but my fears are my fears no matter how irrational they are such as my fear of clowns. Needless to say there was no ear rubs for Precious today when I went out to the car while leaving for the doctor, lol. Poor kitty, he just wanted in the window to the warm house instead of the cold outside. So anyways, it’s hopefully resting/sleep time for me. I’m crossing my fingers that the antibiotic and cough medicine help! I’d like to get back to regular blogging and catching up on all my friends’ blogs because I feel so left behind since I haven’t had time to really read anyone’s blog. So to all my buds, I will be catching up on your sites soon, I promise! So until next time, later loves!

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I can make it until tomorrow!

Sorry I haven’t really posted much after the whole Spanish debacle even though I know still only know about as much about Spanish as I do an epson tm-t88iv, but have no fear I can improve my score. I am too big of a whimp to call and ask my instructor my grade since she only will tell grades over the phone or in person. I don’t see what the big deal is about e-mailing our grades, but whatever floats her boat I suppose.

I have been horribly sick for almost the past two weeks. I can’t breathe, my throat is on fire, I puke up mucus which is nasty as ever, and my whole body hurts. I really think I either have the flu or a bad case of strep throat. Luckily, I have a doctor’s appointment for in the morning because I need to get this taken care of ASAP. I had to miss today’s classes which really irritates me. I hate to miss school and am always paranoid I am going to miss something uber important. I pray that these days I’ve missed of class don’t kill my grade since we get participation grades. Hopefully it won’t and if it does there isn’t anything I can do about it because I’ve been running a fever and I wouldn’t take the chance of infecting a fellow classmate.

There isn’t really much else to day right now. I will probably blog about my diagnosis and about the awesome Valentine’s Day present I am getting Jonathan. I am so stoked and I know he is going to be SOOO happy! So until next time, later loves.

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Espanol = HELL

I seriously am reconsidering this whole, let’s take Spanish so I can be bilingual idea because the first test I am quite sure I bombed and I don’t mean bombed it even though I will end up getting a C, no boys and girls I will be lucky to get a 50 on it. Yes, that is how bad I did. The whole test was in Spanish and the professor was spelling out words in the Spanish alphabet but I swear all her letters sounded alike. I knew the material for the test but when it came to test time it is obvious that I knew as much about Spanish as I know about POS systems, which I can tell you is zilch. I am so utterly embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I mean, part of the test was to read this article in Spanish and then answer questions. What the hell!?! This is an intro to Spanish class for the people who know nada so how am I supposed to read an article when I just know the alphabet, days of the week, and numbers?

I am just having one of those weeks evidently. I am usually so pumped about school, but thanks to an evil sickness I had to miss my night class on Monday and all of my classes today. I also had to miss my substitute training class which means I can’t become a substitute until April now. I am really upset and miserable and just wish I could get better. I can barely swallow, my ears are killing me, my body feels like I’ve been mauled over by an NFL player over and over, and I keep throwing up. I swear, I should seriously buy stock in Theraflu because since December, my family has gone through about six bottles. It does help but only for short periods of time. I really need something that is going to make this cold go away. I would go to the doctor but I can’t afford to do so since I have another appointment on the 9th and shelling out $75 for a doctor’s visit two weeks in a row is not in my budget. So hopefully with a couple of days of rest and relaxation I will get better.

Speaking of rest, I am going to lay down. I am sure you can tell my post is all spastic and everything but honestly, I am trying to keep a train of thought but my mind is all fuzzy and my head is killing me. I need a remedy for all of this quick before my brain completely becomes dilapidated. Well, until next time, later loves.