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I feel so .. violated!
I have seriously had the worst day ever. I’m having horrible cramps and I felt sick to my stomach all day but I didn’t let that bring me down. No, I got up and dressed and was headed to Cartersville to Target to get some shopping done. I was going with my sister Beth since she needed to do some shopping as well. Needless to say, the Target trip was a bust. I didn’t find anything of interest except some Fiji water. Heh, I love that stuff.
Upon checking out, I looked down and noticed my cell phone was missing. Beth called my phone and it went straight to voice mail. I knew that was funny because I had just charged my phone earlier. So since it wasn’t working, Beth went back and looked around the store to where I was trying on shoes since that’s where we last remembered me having it for sure. It wasn’t there so we both split up and looked down every aisle we had been on. We also got this woman to page her “team workers” and ask them to look for it as well. Also, the rent-a-cop scanned the store as well. My cell phone was nowhere to be found and obviously someone took it and planned on keeping it since they turned it off. At least they weren’t using it I suppose. It just sucks because I had pictures on there from vacation and personal text messages that were sentimental between Rans and I. That really unnerves me. You have no idea.
After searching for my cell phone with no luck, I headed to the Verizon store nearby to find out what I could do about it. They suspended my phone and I had to call our insurance. Thank God for insurance because I only had to pay a $50 deductible instead of $410 to get a brand new Voyager! After talking to the insurance dude I discovered they don’t make my type of Voyager anymore and he wanted to make sure that the new Titanium Voyager would be an acceptable replacement. Why thank you sir, I do love silver. So I get my new phone on Tuesday. I am upset and I do feel violated that someone stole my phone but I am not going to let it tear my world apart. I did feel like crying in Target though. I was mainly upset about the things I lost like ring tones, pictures, and text messages. Those are things I can’t get back but I can take new pictures and download new tones I suppose. I’m just glad I will be having a phone by Tuesday! I just still can’t believe someone stole my phone though. I’ve never had anything of mine stolen before. It’s an awful feeling.
I just had to get all of that off of my chest. I will blog and post some pictures of my trip with Mary. It was fun going to the hockey game and experiencing it for the first time. It was also cool going to the airport! I do miss my best friend though. We had a lot of fun and I look forward to July when she’s coming back down here! I guess I will have to rely on Rans to cheer me up. Lucky for me he’s spending Christmas Eve here and on Christmas Day we’re going to go to his house and exchange gifts. I hope he likes what all I got him. I also will post a picture up of the two of us. We took some pictures while we were in Atlanta. Anyways, I’m going to go finish watching my Hallmark movie and try to take my mind off of my phone situation. I guess whoever took it needed it more than I did. So until next time, later gators.
Read MoreBaby, we’re forever.
Hey lovelies! Yes, I am in an amazing mood but I will explain more about that later. First off, Mary is in Georgia!!! Oh yes. I picked her up at the airport with Rans. First let me start from the beginning.
On Wednesday night, me and Rans were supposed to meet his parents and then pick Mary up from the airport. When we were getting gas, I decided to call my dad and see if he found out about his liver panel. He was supposed to have the liver panel to see what caused his liver disease. My step-mom told me that their findings led them to tell my dad that there wasn’t anything medicine could do to help him. Basically, there isn’t anything they can do. So I guess my dad is going to be put on the donor list. I’m not sure. I really want to go out there and talk to my step-mom more and find out the exact diagnosis so I can make my mom do some research and find out what we’re dealing with. I’m scared. I love my daddy and even though he’s not in my life that often, I can’t imagine never seeing him again.
On the way to Rans’ house I just put my head against the window and held his hand. Just holding his hand and letting my emotions run free really helped me deal with everything. It was bad because I was worried I would be all down when meeting his parents. He knew I was crying though but he didn’t say anything. He just told me everything would be okay and part of me believes him. I’m just going to put my faith in God that my dad will be okay and live a long life. I just want my dad to be there for the small things ya know; like walking me down the aisle at my wedding and being there for the birth of his grand kids.
The meeting of his parents went really well. I love his parents and his grandma. His dog, Logan, is so cute as well even though he’s a crotch sniffer. Ha. His parents were so loving and you can tell they care a great deal about him. His room definitely fits him as well. It’s so nice to finally meet the people I hear him talking about ya know. I was surprised that he kept the stuffed dog I got him for Easter. It was on his dresser and that made me feel special since he kept it. I gave it to him the first time we were together and since we broke up since then I assumed he threw it away or something. He’s so sweet. I also found out he doesn’t have Yahoo anymore either. That kind of says a lot ya know. He’s not online talking to girls obviously. Not that I thought he was. I trust him completely. When I left his mom hugged me bye and both his mom and dad told me to come back and I was welcome anytime. Seeing the people who raised him just assures me 100% how awesome he is. At least I know where he gets it from now. He also looks like his dad, a lot.
On the way from his house to the airport I got car sick. I almost had to make him pull over so I could puke. He was freaking out since if I puked evidently he was going to as well. I’ve never been to the airport before and it was so neat seeing the planes come down and land. I had to sit on a bench while he went to baggage claim to get Mary. I had to go to the bathroom at the airport and I did end up getting sick. I think it was my nerves and I got really hot in the car. Luckily, I felt better after we picked Mary up! We ran and hugged each other. Lol. Yes, me and Mary had an airport moment. Haha! It’s so awesome having her here. Mary is one of my best friends and we’ve had a lot of fun. Sadly, we haven’t done much since she is sick and now I am not feeling that great either. Tomorrow we’re going to the movies and Olive Garden. Next week we plan on making a few day trips since we both should be feeling better and on Thursday we’re going to a hockey game. Yes, ya know Mary has to see her hockey! Ha.
The other day was also mine and Rans’ anniversary. I wrote him this really long card expressing how I feel and how much he means to me. I’ve never been the type to say how I feel but with him I find it easy. I wouldn’t let him read it in front of me though. At first he never said anything which kind of worried me but he did write me an e-mail last night that made me cry when I read it this morning. I’ve seriously just never had someone to say those type of things to me. I know more and more he is my prince charming.
Anyways, I’m going to get off of here before I get death by a nine year old who wants to feed her puffle on Club Penguin. But first, I leave you with some eye candy of Jack, Selena, and Jack hijacking Selena’s Hannah Montana sleeping bag. Mary went to sleep early so I agreed to let Selena sleep in my floor in her sleeping bag. Wait never mind on the Jack stealing the sleeping bag picture, it didn’t turn out so well!! So until next time, later gators!
Jack playing with Pinky, his favorite toy!
Selena ready for our sleepover! Ha!
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The Turkey Blues
I really wanted to make a post on Thanksgiving but I have been so busy. A few days before Thanksgiving, Rans and I decided that he wouldn’t be up here since he wanted to spend Thanksgiving with his family. He is an only child and he couldn’t miss his mom’s Thanksgiving just like I couldn’t miss my mom’s. That was fine with me until my dad called and left me a voicemail inviting me over to his house for Thanksgiving at noon. This totally shocked me.
I have not seen my father since Father’s Day and have not talked to him since my birthday in September when I was supposed to go get my birthday card from him but never did. He also mentioned me card in the voice mail. So I literally text Rans that instant and beg him to go to Thanksgiving with me. For the longest I’ve wanted to be closer to my dad and I felt so unwelcomed because I was never invited by him to anything. He always relied on my brother to tell me but this time, he called me and I even got it recorded! Ha. Since Rans knew this was a big deal to me, he agreed to go so he could be there to support me. No, he didn’t say yes just to meet my father, he said yes because he knew I needed him and he is an amazing boyfriend.
Sadly, the night before Thanksgiving I got hardly any sleep since I had a lot of cooking to do to make up for the hour I’d miss the next morning being at my dad’s. In my family, I cook most of the Thanksgiving meal with my mom and sister, Beth. I didn’t get into bed until at least 5 AM and then had to wake up at 10 AM to get some things started before I left. I was shaking all morning long because for some reason, my dad makes me extremely nervous. Once we got there, I lightened up. My dad and step-mom really liked Rans which I knew they would. He is amazing and so respectful and nice. How could you not like him? Lol. Not only that, he’s my best friend and per my step-mom we make a cute couple.
Now per my title I’m sure you can tell something bad must have happened on Thanksgiving and I am getting to that part now. After we ate and then fed the horses, I stepped inside to tell my step-mom bye. Also, this was Rans’ first time being on a farm and seeing horses up close and personal and feeding/petting them so it was cool for him. The look on his face was priceless. My step-mom asked me if I had heard about my daddy and I was like no. She then told me he had Stage 4 Liver Disease and they are unsure how he got it. There are four stages and he’s at the last stage which is the worst. They might be able to try medicine once they know how he got it and if not, he’ll have to be put on the donor list for a liver transplant. When she told me that the breath rushed from my lungs. I felt like I was being suffocated and I had to get out. After she told me that I told her we had to go and then told my dad bye and left.
I had so many thoughts running through my mind like is this God’s idea of a sick joke!? To dangle him in front of me and then threaten to take him away from me once I get him back in my life? My step-mom told me he missed me and he’d love to hear from me and see me more often so I vowed I’d call more and go see him more and I will. I love my daddy and I will do anything he needs me to do to make things better. On the way home I broke down. I thank God for Rans because he helped me keep it together and tried to help me look for the positive as in medicine might help and that he knew people that had liver disease but lived long lives. I’m just hoping and praying for the best. To everyone reading this, please keep my dad and my family in your thoughts. We really need it.
The rest of my Thanksgiving went well. It was an exhausting day and an emotional day having to deal with my thoughts and feelings about my dad and his disease. I just, didn’t know what to do after I heard the news and then Rans had to leave so I was in turmoil. It’s weird how without Rans I feel so alone and nothing makes sense but when he is around I see clarity.
I need to decide on what I want to eat so I can go watch some movies or something. Got to get my head away from the negative thoughts and on to something else. So until next time, later gators! I hope everyone had a safe and happy Thanksgiving for those Americans out there that celebrate it!
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The Silent Burdens We Carry
I never realized how like my mother I am. We had a long talk tonight and after the conversation, I had to come to my room and just let it all go because I couldn’t hold my tears in any longer. Why is it that we are taught by society that if you aren’t a perfect size one or if you have curves that you are undesirable? Why are we taught that bigger people only get that way by pigging out and sitting on their lazy butt when not all cases are like that? Why do some people think it’s their God given right to make others feel like crap and worthless? I don’t understand these things, seriously, I don’t.
When I was growing up, I was an average size kid. When I was seven, I was molested by my grandfather. This memory still haunts me to this day considering only my mom and my grandmother knows and my grandmother has passed away and because I still have to see him at Christmastime when I go to my dad’s. After the molestation, I changed. I wasn’t the happy kid I once was, I had an internal battle over the fact I couldn’t understand what had happened to me or why he did the things he did to me. So begins the long road of things to make me turn to food as a friend and as something to cheer me up. When I was thirteen, I was a bigger girl but I was okay with it but soon after that, I couldn’t lose weight no matter how hard I tried. I found out like most of my family, I had hypothyroid and my levels bounced around even when I was on medicine.
Then we fast forward to fifteen where I was sexually abused on a daily basis by a friend. He manipulated me since I had a falling out with my best friend and wasn’t feeling being in the crowd I was in at the time. Two of my best friends became home schooled and I just didn’t feel like going to school. I was harassed and picked on because I wasn’t skinny and I just took it because I didn’t feel like I was worth standing up for. I felt worthless and the more the friend did to me, the farther I sank until I was so deep inside my dark place, there was no turning around. I stopped going to school and became home schooled myself since my mom had recently gotten in a car wreck which deemed her disabled. So while I studied and finally got rid of the “friend,” I still stayed in my dark place within myself and never really felt the need to leave my room or my house. At this time, I was trying to lose weight and trying anything to make myself feel better. I had went to another doctor who took me off my thyroid medicine saying I didn’t need it anymore. That made things worse. Within the year I was off of my medicine, I gained 50 pounds. That whole year, I dieted and exercised so by no means was I sitting on my big butt doing nothing. I was walking a mile and a half every day, sometimes longer and eating healthy for once but I still kept gaining.
Finally, I went to a new doctor and got back on my thyroid medicine but my levels still go up and down. The point is, I am a big girl and I have tried to do something about it with no progress. I am still haunted by the torture I went through as a child and all of the names people called me, they still hurt. Just because I am in some people’s eyes fat, doesn’t mean I don’t hurt.
I honestly have no clue why I’ve typed all of this. I guess maybe if people read they will realize wow, the things I say could hurt other people not just today, but down the road. I by no means sit in my bed and go over in my head things people say, it’s just if you hear something over and over you are bound to start believing it. And if I can touch one person or make someone feel like they are not alone in this world, then I’ve done my part. Luckily, I have a mom (more like best friend!!) who knows how it is to go through all of this. That’s all for now. Sorry for such a depressing blog, I just have not stopped crying since my mom and I’s talk and I needed to blog.
Read MoreCut my heart into pieces…
I have a big issue that has been on my mind for a while now. I seem to love someone who thinks that the only answer to their problems is to off their self. I just don’t understand how one can lose the drive and desire to live. It’s like all of a sudden it’s a constant thing. Every time I hear them talk about it, my heart breaks into tiny little pieces. I’m caught between caring about my well being and trying to be their for this person and to be a good friend. I know in my head that having them in my life isn’t the smartest choice since every time they talk about this it makes me sink to an all-time low. The really weird thing is that this person does make me happy just even being around them. They are one of those type of people who come into your life unexpectedly but manage to make a big impact just the same. I seriously feel numb on the inside. I wish I knew what to do or say to help this person and to be a better friend/support system but I don’t know how to. I’m doing all I can and evidently it’s not helping at all. *sigh*
Read MoreMisc.
