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Up in the air

I do not know what to say or even blog about right now. I am feeling very broken these past few days. My world has been turned upside down and I am clinging to any normalcy right now. I feel as if I have been attacked by the people who are supposed to love and cherish me for me and I do not understand why.

My father is no support at all when it comes to my wedding. He didn’t even seem interested in walking me down the aisle. I’d go as far as to say I doubt he cares one way or another if I was in his life or not. That hurts. It’s one thing to know your parent doesn’t care but when they so clearly draw it out for you, it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I really never thought he’d be this way. Don’t get me wrong, I knew my dad would never be the father I have romanticized over throughout my childhood but I didn’t realize I was so far off the mark when it came to him. I guess in my head I thought if I got married he’d magically turn around and be the dad I always yearned for but I was stupid to think that. I really feel like every time I’m happy, I try to get close to him only to be tore down by him. He breaks me every single time but yet I’m too scared to end the relationship because what if one day he comes around? I just don’t know how to let go and be okay without him because let’s face it, I really don’t have him to begin with.

My father I can deal with but I never saw the same thing happening with my older brother. For so long it has just been me and my brother but his true colors have definitely shown through. He basically told me that money spent on a wedding should go towards more useful things like moving out or what not. While I understand that, this is my first wedding. It’s not like I’ve been married before. I am entitled to have my dream day. He even had the audacity to tell me I should have a wedding like him, at the dining room table with a sack of Krystal’s as a reception. That is all fine and dandy that you had that sort of wedding with your wife but that is your third wife and your first marriage you had a wedding. A nice wedding might I add. He even had the gall to say how he hated his first wedding after my mom shelled out so much money on it that it is not even funny. He really hurt my mom’s feeling and shattered me completely. I guess you could say I never saw that coming because I always thought my brother had my back.

I just feel so raw because I don’t understand how my family can turn on me in such a way. I was talking to my cousin Erica after the clothes closet at the church and she told me that it was okay because my Heavenly Father loves me way more than my biological father ever could and when I cry, he weeps with me. That made me feel a little better and I realize now I need to get my relationship with God right so I can be strong enough to withstand whatever is thrown at me. I am through with letting other people tear me down just to make themselves feel better. It gets really old after a while. I’ve also decided my mom can walk me down the aisle because she’s always been there for me and it should be her honor, not his duty.

I just needed to get that out and into the open. Whenever I vent my feelings on my blog I feel so much better because they are out there and said instead of bottled up. I have a lot to look forward to in my life and I hope I can be strong enough to not let others affect me. I need to finish getting dressed for church. My family has decided church is a place we all need to be right now and honestly, I’ve missed it. We also have decided to restart Thrive tomorrow so we can be healthier physically and spiritually which will lead towards emotional and mental health as well. So until next time, later loves.

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I can’t believe him, seriously.

My dad needs to invest in some protective clothing as in a suit of armor because right now I am so mad and disapointed in him it’s not even funny. I have been going over our wedding budget over and over with my mom and we really need my dad to put in some money as well. Unfortunately, he basically told me I had no business getting into this situation in the first place. Seriously!? What situation am I getting in? Evidently per him I am having a big wedding and that is not the truth. A wedding is expensive even if you are doing a lot on your own. I am sorry he feels that way but seriously why take everything out on me? I really have a feeling I won’t be sleeping much tonight which sucks since I have classes tomorrow. Seriously, can people please stop crapping on me at every turn? I’m really getting annoyed with it. I just don’t understand my father and I guess I never will.

Well, I believe it’s time to dry up my tears and try to get some rest before bed. I feel so brokenhearted right now but hopefully things will get better with or without his help. I’m just done with him because all my life he’s only been there to put me down and feel worthless instead of loving and supporting me as a father should. So until next time, later.

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Upsets & Heartbreaks

I had one of the worst nights ever last night. My nerves were completely shot since not having my medicine and when we got to Wal-Mart last night, the pharmacy was closed. So I bit my tongue and dealt with it. What else was I supposed to do? After two hours of browsing the store, my mom still wasn’t done and my siblings were getting on my last nerve to the point I couldn’t take anymore. I had to get out. The only way to explain how I felt is to imagine yourself on an emotional roller coaster. My hormones are out of whack which messes up how I feel and react to certain situations. I would snap at my mom and not even realize what I was saying. So finally, I just left Wal-Mart and my mom called my sister to come pick her and my siblings up. I had to go home and on my way I basically told Rans not to bother coming up here because I was in such a piss poor mood. After a long bath and being basically “served” by Rans; my mood improved big time. He basically told me I had a lot going for me right now, him, my family, and school so I should feel the way I did. Last night I hated myself and how I was being.

So this morning it was my goal to wake up and be in a better mood and so far, so good. I even fought through biting my tongue off when my siblings were once again being hellions. I think they have a lot to do with my moods because they are all the time getting in trouble, lying, and being lazy by not doing what they are supposed to be doing which causes drama in the house. Not to mention, my brother is always “stealing” food in the middle of the night. My mom and I have certain foods and snacks we can eat while on Weight Watchers and he goes and eats them all and then lies about it. We find wrappers under his bed and in his nightstand drawer, and then he wonders why we can never trust him. My house is a chaotic place and I really need to get out every now and then.

Now I’m on my way to Wal-Mart to get a bike! Got to get in shape! So I will blog more later. Bye lovelies!

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Double Whammy!

I seriously have been hit by a double whammy. Not only do I have to deal with a death in the family this week, I am also sick as a dog! I did, however, go to the doctor today. I had to because I was feel so awful. Basically I have a severe sinus infection and was given two medications to take twice daily. Sure doc, anything to feel better.

Only bad part about being sick was not getting to spend as much time with Rans as I’d hope for. We did spend time but I didn’t like feeling horrible during that time. He came up Sunday night after work and we spent Sunday spending time together. We had fun, that’s all I can say and just in the nick of time as well thanks to my monthly friend visiting late Sunday night. Wait, that makes everything a triple whammy. On Monday we went out to eat and to Circuit City. I got the calculator I needed for class since Circuit City was having a going out of business sale and I got a new head unit for my car. The lovely boyfriend will be installing the head unit. This one I can hook my Ipod up to so I am uber happy about that. And the rest of last night was spent watching TV with my mom and just chilling. He had to work today but still decided to stay last night to spend some extra time.

All of last night I kept sneezing and he’d look at me and say, “you’re getting sick, baby,” to which I’d just roll my eyes at him. I am a very bad patient. All my childhood was spent getting sick every time the weather changed and when I hit adulthood it suddenly went away and I’m hardly ever sick. So now when I do get sick I HATE IT!

I just wanted to make a quick post. I have to figure out how to catch up in my classes I missed. I seriously hate missing class because then I feel so behind and get overly stressed trying to catch up. Also, this post is pretty pointless if you haven’t noticed. I just feel the need to ramble. Hope everyone is feeling a lot better than I am!! I don’t even think I’m gonna get to go to the funeral tomorrow. My mom threatened me if I had a fever I wasn’t going. Ugh, I was even going to wear a dress and that’s a big thing for me. I was wanting to go to be there for my step-mom but I know going sick and being around my dad is not a good idea. He can’t afford to be sick with everything else that’s going on with him. So until next time, later gators!

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Memories Last Forever

Isn’t it funny how when we don’t think about a person for a while and then something reminds us of that person all these great memories come flooding back? That’s really happened a lot to me today. My Papa Shephard died this morning. I knew it was going to happen, it was inevitable. Last weekend my brother told me he was doing really bad since he had to take our dad up there to be with my step-mom.

I am having conflicting feelings about this because I am very upset by his death and then I feel horrible for not seeing him in a long time. He’s been in a nursing home and per my step-mom didn’t remember anybody which is an awful thing to have to sit through, your loved one not even remembering you. He is only my step-grandpa so I wasn’t ultra close to him but to me, any death is sad. Even perfect strangers dying upsets me because I always think to the family they leave behind.

I guess every time I hear of someone dying that I’m close to or close to someone I know, it makes me realize how short life is. That’s why I try to live in the now and make the most out of my life. I hate that I waited to so long to finally decide what I want to do with my life but better late than never. I will post more later because right now I need to get dressed so I can run to the grocery store. So until next time, later gators!