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The Little Things

As I was washing my face with my new acne wash last night, I looked next to me to where my thirteen month old was sitting on the bathroom counter “brushing his teeth” and it occurred to me, this is it, this is love. That one special moment of seeing him grin and giggle back at me as I washed my face was just one of the moments he has completely captured my heart. I never knew you could love someone so much and be willing to do anything and everything for them. When he hurts, I hurt for him and wish nothing more than to take the hurt and pain away and when he is happy, my heart soars. The love that both his daddy and I share for him has brought us closer as a family and even closer together as a married couple. Grayson has managed to intertwine everyone together in perfect harmony when he is around. He also has the ability to wrap everyone around his little chubby fingers just by being his happy little self. I swear, God broke the mold when they made this little guy. I just hope his future siblings are the same way!

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Dresses, Baby Fever, and Speech Pathology

Ever since Jonathan popped the question, I’ve been stressing about finding a dress never the less finding the dress. It really is hard to find a wedding dress shop that caters to plus-size girls, but the lady at a store here where I live told me about this company Aurora and showed me their catalog since they cater to plus size women and believe in dresses cut especially for a full-figured woman’s silhouette so it would be more flattering on my body. When I first looked at the catalog I fell in love with a specific dress and knew as soon as I saw it I had to have it. This started a frantic search for me to find someone who had that dress in stock or could order it for me. I found a website for a bridal shop in Snellville which is two hours away and they didn’t have that dress in but had a few others in my size so I went down there to try on some. I fell in love with a dress that had a fitted corset bodice with pick ups in the bottom, but it didn’t really light my candle like the dress in the catalog did. The owner informed me while we were trying on dresses that the specific dress I was looking for had already been ordered and would be in their store sometime in the month of January. She also said she would sell me the dress when it got in even though she rarely sells the dresses she has in stock since most brides order their dresses so they are tailor made for them.

Earlier this week, I received an e-mail from the owner telling me that the dress was being delivered Wednesday and she looked forward to me coming in to try it on. On Thursday, my mom, sister, and I drove the two hours to Snellville so I could try on the dress. When I first put it on, I felt comfortable in it and when I looked in the mirror I got all teary eyed. I knew that this was THE dress I was meant to wear. I had never been so excited and emotional in my life because trying on the dress made it so real. Oh my God, I’m getting married in May! It was like the realization hit me all at once and I was so excited for it. So needless to say, Thursday I shelled out a grand on my dress and veil, but honestly the price didn’t matter because for once in my life, I felt beautiful. I didn’t feel like just another fat girl, I felt like I mattered and I was beautiful in my own right and when I walk down the aisle I know all eyes will be on me. The dress also made my face glow with happiness and can’t wait to actually show Jonathan on our wedding day.

In other news, I have been needing my haircut for a while since I have to get my haircut every five weeks on the dot or it drives me crazy. This time, I waited seven weeks so you can imagine how agitated I was. I hate when my hair gets past a certain length because it bothers me on the back of my neck and shoulders. I decided I wanted to grow it out a little longer for the wedding so that means no cutting it short again, just trimming it. I did, however, find a certain hairstyle I wanted which is like Cate Ryan’s off of Life Unexpected. My hairdresser, Beth who is also my bridesmaid, thought the look would be cute on me but told me she’d use her razor scissors instead of doing layers since it’d be more manageable for me. She knows me so well since my idea of fixing my hair is blow drying it upside down and then straightening the front part and that’s it. I was also excited to get my haircut so I could see her baby. She has three adopted children and about a month ago she got a baby which is the other three’s brother. He is so adorable and holding him in my arms makes me excited for me and Jonathan to have children one day. I think Beth gave me baby fever, lol. Jonathan is just as excited evidently. Here are some pics of my new hair and of the ever-so-precious Mr. Aden-poo!

I have also been thinking about my future a lot here lately and trying to decide where I want to go get my Bachelor’s in Early Childhood Education at. That is going to be a big decision and I am also playing around with the idea of going for my Master’s in Speech Pathology but that is not set in stone yet. My sister has changed her major to Early Childhood as well so we are going to transfer at the same time and to the same school. I am trying to decide between West Georgia, Kennesaw State, Shorter, and Berry. I really like West Georgia’s program since they send their professors to the college I currently go to so it’d be close to home, but we’ll see what the future has in store for me. I am also adamantly looking for a part-time job. I did put in my application where an old family friend told me to since she said she could probably get me on there. I hope so because I could really use the extra money since our wedding is getting a little more expensive than we originally intended. We are now thinking about self-catering the reception which would be a lot of work but either way, I don’t care because all that matters is that I am marrying my best friend and the man of my dreams on that day.

Well, I need to run to the store to pick up the steaks and get those started. My sister gets off at 9 and then we’re going to cook out with the boyfriends. We also plan on watching a movie afterward. I really enjoy just spending nights in with Jonathan and then my sister and her boyfriend, Hayden. We have a lot of fun together and it’s good that Jonathan gets along with my family. So until next time, later loves!

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An update of sorts

Sorry it’s been forever. This semester is really kicking my butt. In fact, this week alone I have two tests, two finals, an essay, and one midterm. That is a lot of stress and work to be done in one week and that’s only two classes; I still have two others to do work for as well. So I am quite stressed to the point it’s making me physically ill but I can do this, I’m sure!

Since I spoke of the date I was going on the night I last blogged, I figured I should update you on it. He was amazing and still is. We’ve been together since that night. In fact, due to some complicated family issues he has been going through, he’s staying with my family for a while. With any other guy that’d scare me shitless since the last guy I lived with was an abusive asshole that brainwashed me and manipulating me every chance he could. Jonathan on the other hand is sweet and caring. The biggest thing about him that does scare me is how strongly I feel in such a short amount of time. I am not rebounding before you even think that. My rebound was Drew. Lol. Drew who had a girlfriend the whole time that I had no idea about. Yeah, that sure made me feel special. Anyways back to Jonathan, when I kiss him I get butterflies and I love being around him. He’s the only guy who has made me feel so at home and at ease that I actually trust him. I’ve told him a lot about my past and he’s helped me work through a lot of it.

Speaking of working through things, I’ve never been able to openly discuss what my grandfather did to me and the whole rape thing with my mom. She knew what happened but as far as details went I was always too ashamed to talk to her about it. Finally, I can openly discuss things with her and after a long talk about everything, I felt a lot better. I’m slowly coming out of my shell and releasing the old Kate which I am so proud of myself for doing. I feel like I’ve been couped up in this little hole afraid to face the world in fear of being hurt for so long that I didn’t know where to begin to let myself out. I’ve found a way and I’ve done it. I honestly don’t know how I allowed myself to live that way for so long. I took beatings after beatings emotionally from people to the point I didn’t know if I’d make it but now I’m on the other side and proud of the journey I’ve made. I owe a lot of that to my family, friends, Jonathan, and “The Shack” which I started reading and made me realize you have to let the past go and take a leap of faith which I’m doing.

Ugh, I wish I had more time to blog but I need to read over this chapter really quick and head to class to take my Biology test. Wish me luck because I really need it!! See ya’ll later!!

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Quite frankly, you’re smashing!

So the time alone with Rans is officially over. I had a lot of fun and I’m hoping we have a chance to spend some more one on one time in the future. Actually, I know we will since we are planning a trip either the middle or end of October. The 12th of October will be our one year anniversary of being together this go around. We’re really stoked to go out of town, but we just need to decide where exactly we want to go so I can book it up before we leave for the beach with my family the end of this month. Wow, we officially leave for the beach in 19 days! Holy cow!

Anyways, the weekend went really great except for us almost breaking up over stupid crap. Well, we didn’t almost break up but we did get into an argument. Our first big argument although I guess now that I think about it, it wasn’t that big. Basically the fight was over where we want to live since he wants to move to Ohio and I love it here and then he said he didn’t want to live close to our families and that erupting some very old wounds for me. With my ex of three years, he tried to keep me from my family all the time and that was just a big deja vu moment with me and Rans. In the end, we worked it out. He knows I don’t want to move and he understands that. He wasn’t thinking about the big picture as in, what if we have kids? What about our kids getting to know their grandparents? He doesn’t think about things like that and that’s why we’re perfect for each other in the way that we balance each other out. I think the most hurtful thing about our fight was me thinking about my future without him in it. That just really shattered me. I’m just glad everything is over and done and the conversation has been put to rest. We don’t know where we will live but we do know it will be near our parents and our vacations will be spent in Ohio. Lol.

I really just wanted to pop on to make a quick blog. I missed blogging, wow. Right now I don’t have time to really elaborate on my stay with Rans other than it was amazing and all that jazz. I have a sandwich report to do for my Education class that is due tomorrow and then I have an art midterm to study for all while preparing for an essay in English. Oh boy. Kateness is a busy girl. My final and last day of my Education class is this Thursday which is going to be really sad for me. I love all the people in my class because they ROCK! Also on Thursday, Rans will be up here and we’re headed to the Alabama line for some fireworks for this weekend. Oh yeah. Nothing like fireworks and homemade ice cream I say! So until next time, later lovelies!

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It sure ain’t helping this mood I’m in

This past weekend with Rans was absolutely amazing. It was so carefree and comfortable being around him 24/7 and his house was welcoming. I had no problem being there by myself while he was at work either. I felt safe and like I was in my own little Rans bubble being surrounded by all the things that make Rans the man he is that the thought of being by myself never entered my brain. He went out of his way to make me feel like the center of the world and told me the whole weekend was about me. I’ve never felt so special in my life and I feel beautiful because I look at myself through his eyes now. I’ve never taken the time to think about how he sees me and I’ve never been so in love yet alone so sure about it. We spent a lot of time talking about our future and even our future kids. It was fun and for once I didn’t feel the need to bolt when the future came up like I usually do. So all in all, my weekend went amazingly well and I was in such a good mood when I came home yesterday.

Today, on the other hand, has gone to hell in a hand basket. For the past two or so weeks I’ve been working on a research paper with my topic being the Lost Boys of Sudan. I felt really confident on my paper and thought for sure I’d get at least a high B but boy was I wrong. I received a 78 and damnit, I was and still am pissed. He said I didn’t have my five citations within the paper but nowhere on our rubric or research paper information did it say five citations. It did say five SOURCES though from where our research came from. I’m just upset and feel like no matter what I still fail in my writing. I told the teacher that I loved writing until I took his class and now I hate it. I feel like my work is always picked apart and given a grade I don’t feel I’ve earned. I had tears in my eyes at the end of the appointment and wanted to get out of there so bad. I went to the bathroom and tried to control myself before I had a full-out break down. While in the bathroom this girl I know walked in and tried to cheer me up and said she was a big crybaby when it came to school which kind of made me feel better. I wasn’t trying to cry but I was so upset and mad it put me to the point of tears. I did bite my lip and held it together while in his office which I am really proud of. I didn’t like the fact that I had to walk into my education class with obvious teary-eyes but the class rallied behind me which made me feel a lot better. I guess their support made me feel like I was a part of something and belonged. It also helped texting Rans and hearing what he had to say. He instantly makes me feel better. I told him I wished I was back at his house in his bed so I could be surrounded by the scent of his room which immediately makes me feel at ease. That kind of sounds weird but my man smells good and certain scents make me feel better. I guess I am weird like that.

So what have I learned from this experience? That sometimes, teachers suck and you just gotta deal. Let it all roll off your back because I don’t have that much longer in this semester. Sadly, I have him this Fall as well but I won’t have to see him thankfully. I can study for our midterm and final and work harder on my papers. I will get a high B at least in this class come hell or high water and a C is not acceptable in my book. I have a lot of work cut out ahead of my but I can get through it. Right now I’m just looking forward to tomorrow night when I’ll be meeting up with Rans in Cartersville again so I can go back to his house. I miss him terribly. I know I go on and on about him but I can’t help it. He is such an established part of my life and I can’t imagine it without him. I really don’t think I’ve ever been in love before him; I always thought I was but if this is what love truly feels like, I never was. I really think that if I have to question if it was love or not then that’s a key clue it wasn’t. I’m just thankful that for once I’m in a good place in my life and things are stable around me. So I have a sucky class, so what? If that’s the least of my worries, man, I have it truly made!

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