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Let’s dust this thing off already

Wow, I know it has been a while since I’ve last blogged and that is completely my fault. I just didn’t feel like blogging and if I did, I didn’t have much to say. I’ve been struggling to keep up with my life and schoolwork all at the same time so I apologize for my absence. Since tomorrow marks the day of my only final and I just have one extra credit assignment to complete, I thought it’d be a good day to work on my new theme I designed and created myself. I really like it and how cute are the snow couple? It was fun creating the snow couple in Photoshop and Selena helped add suggestions to them since evidently it is her duty to watch over me while I’m doing anything in Photoshop!

In other news, Jonathan and I have been talking a lot about getting married and our future. It is so weird that I already feel so at home with him and our lives are already intertwined. I have a lot of planning going on in the next couple of months since I already know what my Christmas present is from him … a ring. Yup, we’re getting married! I am so excited and overjoyed you have no idea. I’ve waited for this to happen for as long as I can remember. I don’t even have to think of whether I’d say yes or not because there is no question about whether I’d marry him or not since I can’t picture my future without him in it. We go together so well and everything about him compliments me and vice versa. I have been kind of hush hush about who I tell since I haven’t gotten the ring yet. It evidently will be given to me this week since he’s already told me he can’t wait til Christmas to give it to me. I swear as soon as he gets it it’s going to burn a hole in his pocket until he asks me so to speak. I think he is just as excited about all of this as I am which means a lot.

My mom called my aunt to ask about the church since we are getting married this May. We picked May because he has a sick grandma and wants her to be there. May also is 5 and a half months away so that should be enough time to plan a wedding. I am so stuck on what colors and what invitations and all those other little tidbits it’s not funny. I have no idea when it comes to the colors. I love greens and blues so I was looking at a palette earlier today that I really liked. Thanks to the Flights of Fancy blog, I’ve narrowed it down to three contenders. Any opinions or suggestions from my lovely viewers? It will be a Spring wedding and I’d like my wedding to be nice but yet affordable since we’re trying to pay for a lot of it ourselves. I also want to make my own invitations since I will have the time to do so and I just got a new printer that kicks so much ass that it has been named “Kate’s Awesome Machine,” lol. So here are the top color palette contenders:

Well with that all said, I need to head to bed. I have to get up early to do some last minute studying before my final in the afternoon. I pray that I do good on this final so I can hopefully pull off an A. I’m sure I’ll have more to blog about tomorrow. Also, check out my flickr photos since I finally got around to uploading a few. I’ll also be adding more content to the site as well. Also, my 101 in 1001 will be redone since I never even did anything and I feel I need a new list for my new life! So until then, later loves!

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You’ll always be my thunder

I am happy to report my first weigh in with THRIVE went awesome. I lost 12 pounds last week. Yes, 12 pounds! That is seriously like the weight of my dog so basically, I lost a Jack. I was really proud of myself. I also weighed again tonight and lost another 4 pounds! So in two weeks, I’ve lost 16 pounds which is a lot of weight to come off my body in two weeks. Sadly, I don’t know if I will be losing again next week since I am going on vacation. I am very proud of myself but I really have earned this break. I need a break from the stress of school and not have to think about things such as what can I eat, etc. I do plan on drinking a lot of water and Sprite while I’m gone and eating within my timings. I have decided to treat myself to what I want to eat within reason for the next few days while I’m in Gatlinburg. I will deal with the repercussions once I get home. I do know once I get back it will be right back on THRIVE because this program is actually working for me which I am so excited about. You have no idea how exciting it is to step on a scale and see a smaller number compared to the last week. I also love the thrill of stepping into clothes that were a little snug or too tight a few weeks ago and have them fit a lot better now.

So as I’ve mentioned, I leave for Gatlinburg tomorrow. I am going with Jonathan, my sister Beth, and her boyfriend, Hayden. I really think we’ll have a fun trip since we were just informed this is the first week of the lights as well. Gatlinburg is known for it’s awesome lights around the holidays and this time we’ll get to see them for the first time this year. That is really exciting. We were also told about a trolley ride you can take to go view all of the lights which I am sure we will be doing. I love Christmas time and I love looking at all the lights. Even if we don’t do anything while we’re in Gatlinburg I will just be happy for a time away from home with no stress.

This past week has been a week of hell. Last Thursday I went to Scary Berry with Jonathan, Beth, and Hayden. Scary Berry was not so scary since I only got scared in one part. In the paper it was advertised as a haunted HAY RIDE but that actually turned out to be a short hay ride that drops you off in the middle of the woods where you make a mile trek back to the hay ride in the dark. I laughed at so many parts of it because it was so corny. The only part I got really scared at was a clown. I hate clowns. Yes, I know it’s an irrational fear but I can’t help it. There is just something about their white faces and red nose that rubs me the wrong way. I think this fear stems from watching the Stephen King movie with the clowns. So I saw a clown, freaked out, and twisted my knee. This all happened a quarter mile into the walk so I had to limp the rest of the three-quarters through the woods and Jonathan and I ended up being way behind the group. I swear, I felt like the biggest loser but the fact Jonathan stayed with me and kept telling me I was going to be okay really helped. I swear, I love that boy and the fact that he was so compassionate towards my injury really made me realize he feels the same way. When other stuff tried to come up to me he kinda turned me the opposite way. I guess he thought I was scared or something, I have no clue. I was just so glad to get back to the trailer when I did because I really thought I was gonna pass out from pain.

Halloween night was also eventful at my household since two adults decided to start cussing each other out and almost get into a fight in the middle of the road. Since when is it acceptable to drop the F bomb left and right around children? Never in my book which is exactly why I called the cops so they could kindly break them apart and move everything out of the street. Coach Shiftlett, out neighbor across the street, broke the fight up before it got physical thankfully. He also kept one of the adults fighting around long enough for the cops to talk to them. So the rest of the night, Coach Shiftlett stood in the middle of the road with his flashlight directing traffic and making sure people behaved. It just really annoyed me that there are such sad individuals around that will try to ruin something for the kids. I almost had to send my brother and sister, who both decided not to trick or treat but hand out candy instead, because of the language that was spewing out of both adults mouths.

I realize this blog is kind of skipping around but I don’t really feel like sticking to one subject. I have had a very stressful day and I am just waiting on my clothes to dry so I can fold them and finish packing. We are going to leave around 2 PM tomorrow after Beth gets out of class so I have some time in the morning to also get things ready. So, if I don’t get time to blog while in the mountains, I hope everyone has a great end of the week and weekend! I know I surely will be! So until next time, later loves!

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The fog is lifting

I have been thinking really long and hard lately about just deleting this whole domain and restarting but I realized deleting this domain is deleting a part of myself and my past. Our pasts are what makes us the person each of us are today so by doing so I’d lose hold of that person which would be a bad thing. So I’ve decided just to start fresh from here on out blogging how I want to and when I want to. I always try to keep my blog positive and uplifting instead of touching base with my real feelings at time and because of that, I apologize because the new “blogging me” might come as a bit of a shock. I am not always shiny and happy. In fact, I’ve been becoming increasingly more depressed lately as the seasons change. I think I have seasonal depression because when the sun is out and shining, I am happy and when it is not I am all gloomy inside. Hopefully I will have the time and money to visit a doctor and get that taken care of soon.

As I’ve said it’s been kind of dark and gloomy in my world these past few days. Simple things seem to set me off. Like yesterday, I had plans to go to the movies with Jonathan but then I remembered I had a cooking show to go to. Jonathan was upset I made plans again and as usual something came up and then my mom was mad because she bought my ticket therefor I was going. I cried and cried yesterday over this because I was upset I let the two people I love the most down. Usually I would have brushed off the situation and worked out a solution but seeing as the seasonal depression has been lurking around me I had a breakdown. I swear I cried for a good hour and a half straight to the point Jonathan kept asking me what was wrong and I couldn’t answer him because I didn’t know. I kept telling him I couldn’t stop crying and he just laid down with me and held me telling me everything was going to be okay. That helped a little but the tears wouldn’t stop at least not right then. When they finally did stop I felt really stupid because I had just acted a fool in front of him. I also felt bad because he thought my crying was all of his fault but then I had to explain to him my whole history with depression and how I used to be on Prozac but it made me have suicidal thoughts so I stopped taking it. I don’t care what is going on in my life, it is NOT worth killing myself over and when I had those thoughts it scared the crap out of me. It also made me have horrible mood swings and I’d go from a high to a low in the matter of minutes. After stopping the medicine, I was fine and my usual self which I missed. So I guess I will consider the option of medicine again.

In other news, my mom and I joined THRIVE weight loss. A bunch of our friends have been on it and lost a lot of weight so we thought it’d be worth checking out. So far on our scale at home it looks like I’ve almost lost a little over ten pounds but now I’m worried our scale and the scale at the center won’t be the same. Even if it isn’t, I’ve done my best. I never realized how big of a battle it would be to change my eating habits but I am fighting for my life so to speak. I just want to be able to go into any store and be able to buy an article of clothing without having to go to a “fat girl” store. I was even let down when I drove an hour away to go to an Avenue and all the sizes there were 14/16 and mind you this is a store that goes up to a size 32 so I was expecting to find my size since they have such a variety of sizes available! I only found one pair of jeans in my size because I really didn’t see many sizes over a 20. I feel sorry for the people in a bigger size than I am because if I only found one pair of my size, there were literally no bigger sizes available. It was very disappointing to say the least. I officially weigh tonight so I will let you know my results tomorrow or the next blog.

And now I need to start getting ready but I will leave you with some pictures I took outside today. It was sunny and pretty outside so I thought I’d take Jack outside and our cat, Precious, decided she wanted to play with him. They had fun running around for a bit and I enjoyed watching them until Jonathan let go of the leash by accident as Jack started running and it came up and bashed my leg which is now bruised from it. Ouch. But until next time, later my loves!

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An update of sorts

Sorry it’s been forever. This semester is really kicking my butt. In fact, this week alone I have two tests, two finals, an essay, and one midterm. That is a lot of stress and work to be done in one week and that’s only two classes; I still have two others to do work for as well. So I am quite stressed to the point it’s making me physically ill but I can do this, I’m sure!

Since I spoke of the date I was going on the night I last blogged, I figured I should update you on it. He was amazing and still is. We’ve been together since that night. In fact, due to some complicated family issues he has been going through, he’s staying with my family for a while. With any other guy that’d scare me shitless since the last guy I lived with was an abusive asshole that brainwashed me and manipulating me every chance he could. Jonathan on the other hand is sweet and caring. The biggest thing about him that does scare me is how strongly I feel in such a short amount of time. I am not rebounding before you even think that. My rebound was Drew. Lol. Drew who had a girlfriend the whole time that I had no idea about. Yeah, that sure made me feel special. Anyways back to Jonathan, when I kiss him I get butterflies and I love being around him. He’s the only guy who has made me feel so at home and at ease that I actually trust him. I’ve told him a lot about my past and he’s helped me work through a lot of it.

Speaking of working through things, I’ve never been able to openly discuss what my grandfather did to me and the whole rape thing with my mom. She knew what happened but as far as details went I was always too ashamed to talk to her about it. Finally, I can openly discuss things with her and after a long talk about everything, I felt a lot better. I’m slowly coming out of my shell and releasing the old Kate which I am so proud of myself for doing. I feel like I’ve been couped up in this little hole afraid to face the world in fear of being hurt for so long that I didn’t know where to begin to let myself out. I’ve found a way and I’ve done it. I honestly don’t know how I allowed myself to live that way for so long. I took beatings after beatings emotionally from people to the point I didn’t know if I’d make it but now I’m on the other side and proud of the journey I’ve made. I owe a lot of that to my family, friends, Jonathan, and “The Shack” which I started reading and made me realize you have to let the past go and take a leap of faith which I’m doing.

Ugh, I wish I had more time to blog but I need to read over this chapter really quick and head to class to take my Biology test. Wish me luck because I really need it!! See ya’ll later!!

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