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Take a stand
Sadly, the situation with my father did not really get any better. I did, however, message my step-mom a long message on facebook about how I never felt loved or supported by my father. I also mentioned how he was quick to call me a loser when I became homeschooled but if he would have listened, he would have learned I was raped and had a nervous breakdown. I think my father is too quick to judge people and voice his opinions without ever thinking about the consequences. I told her that I hoped when he was basically given his death sentence with liver disease that he would finally want to get to know me. I also told her that I am amazing, because I am, and if he didn’t want to get to know me, well piss on him. I literally poured all my emotions into the message because these were things I have been wanting to say forever but never had the nerve to. For some reason, when it comes to my dad I have always cowered down, but that isn’t going to happen anymore.
Enough about him though because I don’t want to get started. I have a lot of stuff going on and opportunities I’ve been playing around with. I have been considering opening my own etsy shop and specializing in wedding invitations since I ended up making my own in the end. I have such awesome ideas if I were to make more and I really love letting my creativity flow freely. Creating new things makes me feel all zen which is quite rare for me. I will post a pic of my invites later maybe. I am in love with them right now because of the colors used. I love my wedding colors. I will post a wedding update later. For now, I just needed to update the whole father issue.
Also, there is another issue that has finally come to an end. There is no need for me to be looking up adult acne or anything of the like because I have been *knocks on wood* in the clear for two weeks. Ahh, how I have missed my clear complexion! Now only if I could get my period to show it’s ugly face I’d be happy. I’m on Yaz and have been taking it regularly but for the past two months I have not bled at all. I did have cramps this past time around but when I don’t bleed I worry. I am going to talk to my doctor tomorrow when I go about it. Hopefully I am okay but the past two days I had been hurting inside and after further investigation it feels like I have a knot inside. I am sure that is TMI but that seriously worries me since my mom had cervical cancer so anything involving my lady parts freaks me out. I plan on asking my mom and talking with my doctor as well. Thank God my mom is a nurse because I ask her some of the most off the wall questions.
Anyways, I need to get my mom going so we can go meet with the preacher and finalize the guys’ tuxes! Later ya’ll.
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An update of sorts
Sorry it’s been forever. This semester is really kicking my butt. In fact, this week alone I have two tests, two finals, an essay, and one midterm. That is a lot of stress and work to be done in one week and that’s only two classes; I still have two others to do work for as well. So I am quite stressed to the point it’s making me physically ill but I can do this, I’m sure!
Since I spoke of the date I was going on the night I last blogged, I figured I should update you on it. He was amazing and still is. We’ve been together since that night. In fact, due to some complicated family issues he has been going through, he’s staying with my family for a while. With any other guy that’d scare me shitless since the last guy I lived with was an abusive asshole that brainwashed me and manipulating me every chance he could. Jonathan on the other hand is sweet and caring. The biggest thing about him that does scare me is how strongly I feel in such a short amount of time. I am not rebounding before you even think that. My rebound was Drew. Lol. Drew who had a girlfriend the whole time that I had no idea about. Yeah, that sure made me feel special. Anyways back to Jonathan, when I kiss him I get butterflies and I love being around him. He’s the only guy who has made me feel so at home and at ease that I actually trust him. I’ve told him a lot about my past and he’s helped me work through a lot of it.
Speaking of working through things, I’ve never been able to openly discuss what my grandfather did to me and the whole rape thing with my mom. She knew what happened but as far as details went I was always too ashamed to talk to her about it. Finally, I can openly discuss things with her and after a long talk about everything, I felt a lot better. I’m slowly coming out of my shell and releasing the old Kate which I am so proud of myself for doing. I feel like I’ve been couped up in this little hole afraid to face the world in fear of being hurt for so long that I didn’t know where to begin to let myself out. I’ve found a way and I’ve done it. I honestly don’t know how I allowed myself to live that way for so long. I took beatings after beatings emotionally from people to the point I didn’t know if I’d make it but now I’m on the other side and proud of the journey I’ve made. I owe a lot of that to my family, friends, Jonathan, and “The Shack” which I started reading and made me realize you have to let the past go and take a leap of faith which I’m doing.
Ugh, I wish I had more time to blog but I need to read over this chapter really quick and head to class to take my Biology test. Wish me luck because I really need it!! See ya’ll later!!
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Finding myself..
I know it’s been a while since I last blogged but to be honest, I’ve been quite lost lately. It really didn’t hit me about the whole break up because I kind of rushed into things with Drew although let me say we are not together and never will be. I was just trying to replace Rans as crappy as that sounds. Drew isn’t the type of guy you date at all. I let my past with him, as in we’ve known each other forever, control whether I thought he was trustworthy or not. So a week after me and Rans broke up I decided I should keep to myself and just process things at my own speed without any distractions.
So here I am a month and a week later finally over things and finally ready to have fun again. I’ve realized that in past relationships I let guys change me, maybe not change my entire being but if you change something little, later on that will effect things in a big way. It’s like the butterfly effect. I’ve allowed guys to govern how I act and what I like to the point it made me realize that I wasn’t sure what I liked anymore or even who I was. Now, I know I will not let anyone do that to me again. I am me, take it or leave it. The same goes with settling for guys below me. I know I will never be the prettiest or sweetest but I deserve someone substantial, not someone crappy to make time pass by quicker.
Anyways, I just wanted to blog something since it’s been forever. A lot has happened and a lot has changed about me but I’ll leave that for another day. For now, I’m about to head out to the bank and then out to lunch with my mom and sister. Later tonight I have a date though. We’ll see how that goes. Honestly, I have no expectations.
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One girl, many versions
Thanks to the lovely Kecia and Dez, I’ve been tagged with the Honest Scrap Award. Oh yeah, go Kateness!
“The HonestScrap award comes with a caveat or two. Firstly, you have to tell your readers ten things about you they may not know, but that are true. Secondly, you have to tag 10 people with the award.”
Ten Things You Might Not Know About Kate:
- While my mom was carrying me, I had a twin, but before birth, the twin “disappeared.” Part of my wishes I had a twin but if you were to ask Rans or my family they would tell you one of me is plenty enough!
- I was originally supposed to be named Twilah Larae, thank God my mom changed her name because seriously, WTF? Can you just imagine learning to spell that name in kindergarten? No thanks, Mom!
- I have this weird thing where I can remember numbers from years ago. I guess I’m just good with numbers.
- I’ve never been out of the southeast but one day I plan on going to visit my cousins in New York.
- I am terribly afraid of heights thus I’ve never been on a plane before. For our honeymoon, Rans and I want to go to Hawaii so I can get over my fear of flying and see the awesomeness that is known as Hawaii.
- I’ve never had sex with Rans even though we’ve been together for eight months. I’m a born again virgin and so is he. I have had a lot of traumatic sexual experiences in my life willingly and unwillingly and I thought that being born again would put my mind at ease until I made sure it was the right time and with the right person, my future husband which is Rans.
- I let my fears get in my way a lot of the time. Like I won’t speak up in class in fear of making a fool of myself, or I won’t go do something by myself in fear of people are looking at me all the time. This is a side effect of being raped when I was 15 and I am just now working through it and getting over it at the age of 23. It’s been a long road but it’s finally behind me!
- I have a bad habit of recording random crap on my DVR only to delete it later unwatched when I run out of space. I also have a bunch of shows on my series recording that I’ll record the whole series, decide I really don’t wanna watch it and delete the whole series off of my DVR. I’m bad about recording Lifetime and Hallmark moves as well.
- I often start blog posts and then immediately delete them or re-write them because I find my life boring most of the time, or the things I wrote about at that time were insignificant. I have a hard time writing what I feel because I don’t like opening up to people most of the time. I’m a nut with a hard shell to crack, but once you do, you realize I’m all mushy inside.
So there ya go, my ten facts and now, I get to tag 10 people. Fun!
Tag, You’re It:
With all of that posted, this is my farewell for a couple of days while I’m spending time with Rans at his house and escaping from the real world to my nice, cozy, Rans-filled bubble! Ha! Maybe I will post while I’m there, but I doubt it. It’s nice to have a mini-vaca away from the net and everything else that is overwhelming on the day-to-day. Later lovelies!
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On the outside looking in
For some reason I’ve been in a major pop mood lately listening to *N Sync radio on LastFM quite a lot. I don’t know if I just love that type of music or it just makes me think of a lot of different things. Maybe it’s the fact that love songs make me smile inside. I’ve been smiling quite a lot lately and feeling just at ease with my life I guess you could say. Even though I’m stressed beyond stressed I’m still happy. Isn’t it funny how in life you can always get so bent out of shape for certain things and that when you sit back and look at the situation you realize things aren’t as bad as they seem.
Like my Education Psychology class for example, I was so stressed over that paper. In my own right I should have been stressed because it asked for my beliefs and I am a new student so it’s really impossible to know what you believe for certain. There are so many aspects to a child’s development not to mention so many theories and knowing which ones you believe solely in is really difficult. After all of that worrying and stress I made a 93. All of that stress was over nothing and I just am really consciously working to not freak myself out so much. Instead of getting so stressed, I need to just take a step back and breathe for once. That’s my main problem, I forget to breathe at times because I’m so busy worrying I forget the smallest things.
So this weekend I kind of have exciting plans. For as long as I have been with Rans, we’ve never had one on one time. I live at home and he always comes up here, but he lives at home as well. He was raised that the guy comes to the girl so that’s why he is always up here but I’ve met his parents a few times and they are amazing. I love his grandma, she’s so cute. Anyways, his parents are leaving for out of town this Friday and won’t be back for a week and a half. So since his mom asked him to stay at home those days so Logan (their dog) can be taken care of, he’s asked me to come spend some time with him. Wow, that’s a huge step because we’ve never slept somewhere with it being just us except the first weekend we spent together but that doesn’t count since we were just getting to know each other! So this Friday night around midnight my family and I are meeting him halfway between my house and his house and then I’m riding back to his house with him. My mom suggested the meet-up since it’s at midnight and he will just be getting off of work. By the way, my family adores him and he is already labeled one of us. I won’t be back until Monday and then next Thursday I will be going there and coming back Saturday evening. I’m really excited and he has made plans to cook for me. Per him, it’s all about me. Ha. He really makes me feel special because I’ve never had a guy go out of his way for me. So we’ll see how that goes. I’ll still be online since he works Sunday and that is when I plan on getting some school stuff taken care of.
I so smell chicken cooking for my chicken tortilla soup! So before I die of starvation, I’m going to go finish it up for my sister and get my grub on! I also need to do some studying since I have a midterm Thursday (Education class) but luckily all questions on the midterm are on our practice quizzes! Thanks Dr. Sorrells for that one. So until next time, later lovelies.
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