Posted by admin | 4 comments

Bruises fade father

So I am finally letting go of all the pain and resentment I have towards my father’s family. I’ve decided to just try to move past it because honestly, if they want to act that way I am better off without them. I’ve come to realize that his side has not ever been there for me. Let’s have a short run down shall we? First off, he abused my mother, brother, and I when I was little. He pushed my mother to the point she had a suicide plan. Also, when we were having a conversation a long time ago, my mother let it slip that sometimes he would force her to do things which for a while led me to fear that I was a product of rape. Finally after asking her I found out I was wanted by her but to him, I was just another obligation. Also, when I was a child I had multiple surgeries to which he never called to check on me or even come visit me in the hospital. It was like he didn’t even seem to care. Now let’s move to to his family like his father, my grandpa, molested me when I was seven years old. His sister-in-law, my aunt, substituted our health class when I was in middle school and she decided to talk about how fat I was and how I needed to lose weight. Yeah, what a confidence booster, huh? And his nephew, my cousin, evidently told Drew that I loved dick and was slutty. Wow. His step-mother, my step-grandmother, has always looked down on us because we didn’t go to a private school like her grandchildren and we weren’t preppy enough for her liking. Let’s also mention how one of his brothers hasn’t muttered one word to me since I was real young. I just can’t comprehend how I want to be close to those types of people.

It never hit me that letting go is sometimes for the best until I watched this week’s episode of Life Unexpected. Kate has a similar problem since her father left and when she discovered he sent her birthday cards she got her hopes up because she assumed he wanted to be in her life. Come to find out, he didn’t want to be her father and her mother hid the cards from her because she thought it was for the best. I think that is what gives me hope when it comes to my father because he gives me a birthday card with $50 every birthday and a card and $100 every Christmas. I have now realized that the money and card were just for him to feel better about his past decisions in life. Just because someone acknowledges a holiday or even you at times does not mean they want to be in your life. Sometimes, an acknowledgment is just something that makes them feel less of a shitty person. Yes, that one hour of television really opened my eyes and enlightened me. It also made me realize I blame Jonathan for how he acts at times because it reminds me of my dad and I think he will act that way when really, I am just mad at my dad and just can’t take it out on him so I choose Jonathan. All my doubts about the wedding day are ridiculous because Jonathan is not like my father and never will be just like I will never be like my father. I will not be an abusive asshole to my significant other and turn my back on my child. I will not judge them based upon their life decisions and I will be proud of them and show them how much I love them on a daily basis.

Wow, that just took a load off of my heart seriously. How can I carry around all this crap and still expect myself to function as normal? Jonathan has been trying to take my mind off of things by talking about our future plans for our room. We plan on pulling up the carpet finally and replacing it with the snap together hardwood floors. This will eliminate a lot of my tendencies to get sick especially due to my allergies. My doctor recommended this a long time ago but we are just now getting to the point where we have the time and resources to do so. We will be putting two rugs in our room, one by the computer and one in front of our dresser, to add a little color and so the dogs have a soft place to lay. I think the whole sketching out how we want to decorate our room is one way I can take my mind off things and relax a little. Creativity is definitely one of my stress outlets.

It’s getting late and I need to head to bed. I have classes tomorrow if I can finally stay out of the bathroom. I had my substitute training class this morning and I woke up with a bad stomach ache but I decided I would try to push through the day since it was only a four and a half hour class. The whole class my stomach rumbled and gurgled while I had these nasty burps but I made it through! I actually made it home barely in time before I just exploded. I have never threw up or spent so much time in the bathroom ever. My stomach still hurts and is all bloated but hopefully I will wake up feeling refreshed in the morning. One can hope can’t they? So until next time, later loves.

Read More

Posted by admin | 4 comments

Up in the air

I do not know what to say or even blog about right now. I am feeling very broken these past few days. My world has been turned upside down and I am clinging to any normalcy right now. I feel as if I have been attacked by the people who are supposed to love and cherish me for me and I do not understand why.

My father is no support at all when it comes to my wedding. He didn’t even seem interested in walking me down the aisle. I’d go as far as to say I doubt he cares one way or another if I was in his life or not. That hurts. It’s one thing to know your parent doesn’t care but when they so clearly draw it out for you, it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I really never thought he’d be this way. Don’t get me wrong, I knew my dad would never be the father I have romanticized over throughout my childhood but I didn’t realize I was so far off the mark when it came to him. I guess in my head I thought if I got married he’d magically turn around and be the dad I always yearned for but I was stupid to think that. I really feel like every time I’m happy, I try to get close to him only to be tore down by him. He breaks me every single time but yet I’m too scared to end the relationship because what if one day he comes around? I just don’t know how to let go and be okay without him because let’s face it, I really don’t have him to begin with.

My father I can deal with but I never saw the same thing happening with my older brother. For so long it has just been me and my brother but his true colors have definitely shown through. He basically told me that money spent on a wedding should go towards more useful things like moving out or what not. While I understand that, this is my first wedding. It’s not like I’ve been married before. I am entitled to have my dream day. He even had the audacity to tell me I should have a wedding like him, at the dining room table with a sack of Krystal’s as a reception. That is all fine and dandy that you had that sort of wedding with your wife but that is your third wife and your first marriage you had a wedding. A nice wedding might I add. He even had the gall to say how he hated his first wedding after my mom shelled out so much money on it that it is not even funny. He really hurt my mom’s feeling and shattered me completely. I guess you could say I never saw that coming because I always thought my brother had my back.

I just feel so raw because I don’t understand how my family can turn on me in such a way. I was talking to my cousin Erica after the clothes closet at the church and she told me that it was okay because my Heavenly Father loves me way more than my biological father ever could and when I cry, he weeps with me. That made me feel a little better and I realize now I need to get my relationship with God right so I can be strong enough to withstand whatever is thrown at me. I am through with letting other people tear me down just to make themselves feel better. It gets really old after a while. I’ve also decided my mom can walk me down the aisle because she’s always been there for me and it should be her honor, not his duty.

I just needed to get that out and into the open. Whenever I vent my feelings on my blog I feel so much better because they are out there and said instead of bottled up. I have a lot to look forward to in my life and I hope I can be strong enough to not let others affect me. I need to finish getting dressed for church. My family has decided church is a place we all need to be right now and honestly, I’ve missed it. We also have decided to restart Thrive tomorrow so we can be healthier physically and spiritually which will lead towards emotional and mental health as well. So until next time, later loves.

Read More

Posted by admin | 1 comment

Tick tock

Hey everyone! I know, I’ve been a horrible blogger yet again but there has been so much happening lately it isn’t even funny!

We will back up to December 16 when I had my doctor’s appointment with the new doctor. First off, I love my doctor! She is so amazing and supporting and spent forty-five minutes with me just answering my various questions. It turns out I have PCOS which at that moment shattered me. I felt broken and less of a woman because this greatly reduces my chances of getting pregnant and since I was planning on getting engaged, it made me feel like I wouldn’t be able to offer Jonathan this great future which broke my heart. I told him the news and he was upset as well but he was very supportive about everything which is what I needed at the time. I honestly thought that because of my diagnosis, he wouldn’t want to marry me. I know that sounds stupid but for ever since I can remember I’ve always dreamed of being a mom and having at least three kids. Another part of my dilemma is that I know of a close family friend that has PCOS and she hasn’t been able to get pregnant after numerous attempts with all sorts of medication.

Jonathan obviously surprised me big time because that night, even after knowing about the chance we would never have kids, PROPOSED! Yes, he got down on one knee and all in front of the lighted fountain at the forum in Rome. It was so beautiful there at night even though we froze our butts off. My ring is gorgeous and I mean gorgeous. I am quite surprised at his taste. My baby knows how to pick a ring I tell ya. Lol. Of course I said yes!! It was so cute though because he was so nervous and before he asked he went into this big long explanation about how he had this speech planned and it was so romantic and everything but at the last second his mind totally blanked and he felt stupid for it. I could not believe how nervous he was, but later that night he told me the speech and it was the sweetest thing ever.

Now since I am running out of time, I will make a list of what else has happened:
- Christmas was awesome!!
- I got to see my dad who is really depressed with his diagnosis of liver disease but evidently I cheered him up by being around him.
- Jonathan’s grandma got really sick and passed away.
- I’ve been spending most of my time consoling him and just being there for him because per him, I’m all he has.
- We picked out bridesmaid dresses and the color of the guys vests and ties for their tuxes.
- I have basically picked out two wedding dresses and will try them on Tuesday.
- I have a full-load of classes this semester.
- Evidently per my friends, my history professor is hard as crap and if you don’t pay attention to his lectures, you’re dead!
- I have to be at my first class in 45 minutes!

With that said, I am out. I wanted to quickly blog and update all my lovelies on my hectic life. I will post a pic of my ring later! I love it and love wearing it!! Hehe, I’m like a giddy school girl I swear. Also, I will now have time in the morning to blog, so yay! So until next time, later loves!

Read More

Posted by admin | 3 comments

The fog is lifting

I have been thinking really long and hard lately about just deleting this whole domain and restarting but I realized deleting this domain is deleting a part of myself and my past. Our pasts are what makes us the person each of us are today so by doing so I’d lose hold of that person which would be a bad thing. So I’ve decided just to start fresh from here on out blogging how I want to and when I want to. I always try to keep my blog positive and uplifting instead of touching base with my real feelings at time and because of that, I apologize because the new “blogging me” might come as a bit of a shock. I am not always shiny and happy. In fact, I’ve been becoming increasingly more depressed lately as the seasons change. I think I have seasonal depression because when the sun is out and shining, I am happy and when it is not I am all gloomy inside. Hopefully I will have the time and money to visit a doctor and get that taken care of soon.

As I’ve said it’s been kind of dark and gloomy in my world these past few days. Simple things seem to set me off. Like yesterday, I had plans to go to the movies with Jonathan but then I remembered I had a cooking show to go to. Jonathan was upset I made plans again and as usual something came up and then my mom was mad because she bought my ticket therefor I was going. I cried and cried yesterday over this because I was upset I let the two people I love the most down. Usually I would have brushed off the situation and worked out a solution but seeing as the seasonal depression has been lurking around me I had a breakdown. I swear I cried for a good hour and a half straight to the point Jonathan kept asking me what was wrong and I couldn’t answer him because I didn’t know. I kept telling him I couldn’t stop crying and he just laid down with me and held me telling me everything was going to be okay. That helped a little but the tears wouldn’t stop at least not right then. When they finally did stop I felt really stupid because I had just acted a fool in front of him. I also felt bad because he thought my crying was all of his fault but then I had to explain to him my whole history with depression and how I used to be on Prozac but it made me have suicidal thoughts so I stopped taking it. I don’t care what is going on in my life, it is NOT worth killing myself over and when I had those thoughts it scared the crap out of me. It also made me have horrible mood swings and I’d go from a high to a low in the matter of minutes. After stopping the medicine, I was fine and my usual self which I missed. So I guess I will consider the option of medicine again.

In other news, my mom and I joined THRIVE weight loss. A bunch of our friends have been on it and lost a lot of weight so we thought it’d be worth checking out. So far on our scale at home it looks like I’ve almost lost a little over ten pounds but now I’m worried our scale and the scale at the center won’t be the same. Even if it isn’t, I’ve done my best. I never realized how big of a battle it would be to change my eating habits but I am fighting for my life so to speak. I just want to be able to go into any store and be able to buy an article of clothing without having to go to a “fat girl” store. I was even let down when I drove an hour away to go to an Avenue and all the sizes there were 14/16 and mind you this is a store that goes up to a size 32 so I was expecting to find my size since they have such a variety of sizes available! I only found one pair of jeans in my size because I really didn’t see many sizes over a 20. I feel sorry for the people in a bigger size than I am because if I only found one pair of my size, there were literally no bigger sizes available. It was very disappointing to say the least. I officially weigh tonight so I will let you know my results tomorrow or the next blog.

And now I need to start getting ready but I will leave you with some pictures I took outside today. It was sunny and pretty outside so I thought I’d take Jack outside and our cat, Precious, decided she wanted to play with him. They had fun running around for a bit and I enjoyed watching them until Jonathan let go of the leash by accident as Jack started running and it came up and bashed my leg which is now bruised from it. Ouch. But until next time, later my loves!

Read More

Posted by admin | 5 comments

Boy you know I..

Hey ya’ll. So yes, I’m back here for your blogging pleasures. I’ve been laying low the past day or two because I have two weeks until Fall semester begins and I decided to be utterly lazy. It’s really fun, ya’ll should try it sometime.

Anyways, the event that happened the day of my last blog post involved my step-siblings and their trashy mother. Their mom is a horrible person and I am not exaggerating it. Actually, I’m really giving her a compliment by calling her horrible because if I was to say how she really was it’d be way worse. I mean, when your three year old sister can tell you about sex and lesbians, you know it’s bad. Just writing that literally makes my body shudder and now I feel like I’m going to puke it’s so sick. There’s a lot more to the story as in my little brother knows about crack pipes and what they are as well as the funny cigerattes she smoked in front of them. So I am sure you’re getting an idea of how this woman is. Basically the run down of the story is my step-dad has full custody of them and the mom had supervised visitation. They don’t want to see her and when she was here my step-dad made them talk to her and made them hug her which completely unnerved me. Not only that he went to the back of the house while I stayed on the porch and she tried to take them to her car and I told her not to because they aren’t supposed to be introduced to any of her skanky friends following her around in her cracked out entourage. Basically that ended up in her getting pissed and then saying she was going to take the kids from us because of something I don’t wish to discuss here. If you want to know, I have no problem sharing but seeing as my 9 yr old sister is nosy and knows how to find stuff on the internet I’d rather not have it out in the open ya know?

With all of that happening I texted Rans about it without even thinking or realizing what had just went down between us. He was there for me though. I told Drew about it as well but when I told him I felt better about it because I know by me telling him he was here and actually might care as to Rans I think he was just going along with the normal routine of “dang that sucks, hope everything works out” type deal. Either way, I don’t care because I don’t rely on him anymore. It’s really sad that I lost my best friend along with boyfriend but I have other friends who are authentic.

So the other night I decided to go meet Drew in the park so we could just talk and hang out. It was so surreal hanging out with him because it was like nothing has changed. We still get along and click like we did back then. He hasn’t really changed either aside from his bald head which he was adamant about me feeling. It was okay, lol. I feel so comfortable around him and evidently he’s my protector. We were at the park at night and here comes a DOG running out of the woods and since Drew is just so utterly manly and charming he decided to chase it away because he thinks it was a coyote. Whatever floats his boat, it was cute just the same. I can also now say that I’ve had a first kiss that was not awkward; kissing him felt like I’ve done it a thousand times before. I guess we click in every way, huh? That’s all I am going to say on that subject because a girl has to have her secrets.

Sadly though, me and Drew can never be because my sister is going to murder him and he knows why. Somehow we got to talking about my sister’s ex, the one from prom, and evidently the ex, we’ll refer to as GB, always says hey to Drew in the bank. The name Drew isn’t on his account or checks but somehow he knows that is his name. Well when Drew went to Walmart, he saw GB and GB once again said hey to him. I think GB has a thing for Drew, but his impersonation of him is freaking hilarious. So we decided to call my sister while we were at the park and tell her that Drew’s friend stopped by and it was GB and he wanted to speak to her. Before Drew could really say anything she hung up and was pretty pissed. She told Drew if GB texted her since he always does when people talk about him, (funny how he can be conjured up like the devil, huh?) she would kill him. It just so happens GB texted her last night and so she is plotting Drew’s death. He evidently told her that he was her future brother in law and *I* brought up GB. Oh whatever, way to sell me out, babe. Needless to say I am interested to see what happens when the two of them meet. Also if you couldn’t tell, GB stands for gay bastard.. Beth’s name for him.

Ugh, I really need to finish doing laundry and unpacking from vacation, but I don’t feel like it. Evidently per my mom, we have loads of errands to run today. So until next time, later lovelies!

Read More