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I’m at a loss

The first part of my vacation was absolutely amazing. I really enjoyed the beach and spending time with Rans was definitely high up on my list. We all got along as a family and really enjoyed each others company. However, the day before we left that all changed. On Thursday, we went to Savannah to go on a ghost trolley and tour the city. It was just me, Rans, my mom, Donna, and Beth. I thought everything was going fine but evidently Beth and Donna were texting about me the whole ride there and back. Evidently per them Rans needed to slap the shit out of me and I needed to be put into my place. Beth also said that she was moving out because she’s so tired of me.

I didn’t find all of this out until the next day when I went to use Beth’s cellphone to call my mom. I left my cellphone at home, I’m a genius I know. So I went to text my mom since she wasn’t answering but went to the outbox by accident since I only have to press two buttons and my phone will go to “create a message” but Beth’s won’t. In the outbox I saw my name mentioned so of course, I read. I was completely floored and felt really betrayed. I just couldn’t believe Beth was talking about me but then when I saw who the texts were to I was floored even more. I guess I’ve always been the type that if I have a problem with you, I tell you to your face. I don’t lay around and hide my feelings so I can talk about you when you go out of a room. First off, I can’t believe my sister would do that because I considered Beth my best friend. This isn’t the first time she has done this to me though. I finally got a hold of my mom and told her what was going on and she was pretty mad herself.

Later that afternoon she told Beth and Donna they needed to face things and get it out in the open because the whole day they ignored my mom and me and Beth had her little huffy attitude. When it all came out my step-dad tried to say I had Donna’s phone and put his two cents in. First off, he needs to stay out because when he drinks he imagines shit and that pissed my mom off even more. She knows when I am telling the truth and if I am not and so she knew I WAS being honest unlike everyone else. Needless to say Beth decided to show her ass and try to swing and push on me. While trying to hit me she hit my mom. Yeah, that pissed me off even more so I shoved her in the corner of the door frame. I wouldn’t hit her but if she kept on I would have dropped her to the ground to defend myself. It’s kind of funny that I was the only one that handled myself with maturity and tactfulness. Beth wanted to fight and Donna wanted to be silent. I just don’t understand people at all.

Right now, I’m at a loss because I don’t know how to act anymore. Beth acts like nothing has happened but her half-assed apology isn’t going to put a bandaid over this wound. To be honest, I don’t think things will ever be the same. I don’t trust her and I feel betrayed. Feelings like that don’t change over night. I was upset all day yesterday because I was really bugging over what I should say or do because I feel weird about the whole situation. Luckily, I have an amazing boyfriend who helped me through everything. Rans just told me that I can’t make people change and I don’t need that in my life. Yes, I do have to live with her but that doesn’t mean we have to be friends again. I can be civil without setting myself up to be betrayed by her yet again. She really needs to grow up and realize that how she acts is the spitting image of her mother which is someone she hates. When she tried to fight me, that proved exactly who she is like. You don’t handle situations like that, you talk things out. I guess I’ve really proved that I have grown up a lot lately because six months ago I would have busted her ass like there was no tomorrow. I used to let my anger get the best of me and that is one thing I’ve really worked on toning down and I think I’ve succeeded.

I really felt like I needed to blog and get that out there since it’s really been bugging me and eating away at me. Now, I really do feel better. All of the stress from that was far from what I needed considering I’m in the last week and a half of full session and then next Tuesday I have my substitute teacher training course in the morning so I can officially sub! I have a lot going on for me in my life and I’m trying to not let things bog me down. I’ve now come to the realization that I do deserve more out of my life and I won’t take less than I deserve! So until next time, later lovelies.

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You’re my sunshine after the rain

Here I sit at our dining room table supposedly writing a paper on what my beliefs are when it comes to my future classroom based on the theories of cognitive, language, and socio-emotional development, but I have no clue where to begin or even what I believe in. I feel like my brain is shut off today. Have you ever had one of those days? Hopefully I am not alone.

Other than my lack of smart skills today, my weekend has been pretty good so far. Friday night Rans came over after work. It was our eight month anniversary and he surprised me with Tropicana roses which happen to be my favorite. They are so pretty and I love how he just randomly brings me flowers but this time I guess they were special since it was our anniversary. We celebrate every month anniversary in some ways even if its just a “happy anniversary” and I always get him a card so now he expects it. If I can do something little, like give him a card, to show him how much I love him then of course I will.

I’m getting a lot better at showing my feelings and expressing my love. Coming from a family who happens to include an abusive father (at least he used to be that way) it’s kind of hard to learn to express love and to show someone how much you love them. My mom was always one to give us hugs and kisses and shower us with love but the memories from my dad still linger no matter how hard I try to block them out. For me, not being able to say how I feel was a big obstacle and left Rans not knowing how I felt a lot of the time so when I finally decided to just put my heart out there at first he was wondering why I was being so nice and lovey dovey which really hurt my feelings and made me feel as if I wasn’t being such a great girlfriend. I guess in my mind I always assumed things like that would come naturally but after working at it for the past month or two it’s a lot easier. That just goes to prove how many things we take for granted in life.

On the site front, I plan on adding a lot of stuff to my domain over time but right now my summer is packed and I literally mean packed! In my free time I will be working on my other blog by revamping it and getting everything ready to go so I can start paid blogging over there. Since my schedule for this summer and even this fall is going to be jammed pack I wanted a way to earn a little bit of income aside from my financial aid from school since there isn’t going to be a whole lot of that left over except this summer. I find it utterly ridiculous that I have to get loans since evidently my mom makes “too much” while drawing her disability. That my friends is quite sad. I understand that everyone is in an economical crisis but shouldn’t we take this time to try to support more people trying to go back to school and better themselves? For instance if one man got laid off from one school shouldn’t we aid him in going back to school to better himself so he can qualify for another job that is not being laid off? Same thing with me, I realized there isn’t a life in computers where I live so I wanted to go back to be a teacher but I receive no help other than a loan which is going to have me in debt up to my eyeballs when I graduate and get a job. That’s just crazy in my eyes.

I supposed I will play the good student and try to write my essay. It’s only 500-800 words but deciding what I want to say and how I want to say it isn’t so easy. So later lovelies! I’ll visit the people who commented my last entry later!

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One of them days!

It seriously must be one of those days cause I am in a real sucky mood. I think my mood has carried on from yesterday to be quite honest and I have no idea why. I seriously think I could’ve done some serious damage to anyone that pissed me off yesterday but luckily for everyone around me, no one pissed me off!

I was so irritated and mad at Rans yesterday and I’m really unsure why. I guess I am feeling like in our relationship, and every other relationship I’ve been in for that matter, I am always the one that loves the most and cares the most. I guess just once I wish I could feel like a fairytale princess and bag myself a prince. Rans is a really great boyfriend, don’t get me wrong, but maybe he’s not the boyfriend I want him to be. I know, this sounds extremely selfish and self centered but I just want to for once feel like I am one of the most important things in someone’s life. I think the fact that if I don’t text/talk to him once a day, even just to say hello, I feel all sad and lonely but he can go days without talking to me and he’s fine with it. I guess I feel like I spend my time missing him but am unsure if he really misses me.

So after not hearing from him all day yesterday, I confronted him. He said we were okay, he loves me, and yadda yadda. This was all going on while he was working so I thought okay we had the conversation I’m sure he will text me when he gets off of work and we can finish our conversation and straightening things out between us. WRONG. In fact, I’ve not heard of him since early yesterday evening. Am I seriously overreacting? I really feel like just waiting to see how long it takes him to message me without me messaging him first. I even asked him his next off day and he said he didn’t know. He always knows so I’m thinking he’s pulling a famous disappearing act again. Back when we first broke up he did this the whole week before we broke up. That is why I am so paranoid. I don’t want this to end but at the same time if all he is doing is playing games he needs to stop. I hate the unknown so much.

The real reason I’m upset is because I NEVER let people in. I just am not programed to do so but I let him in. I feel vulnerable cause he knows more about me than anyone and maybe he doesn’t like what he sees in the real me? I just feel all exposed and now I can’t hid behind the fact that he doesn’t know the real me cause he does. I just feel alone. I hate feeling like that.

So since I’m all emo and sad, I’m going to watch some gorey goodness with Manda. We’re going to see My Bloody Valentine in 3-D tonight. I’m sad and she has a day off finally so what better excuse? Obviously I need to get dressed so until next time, later gators.

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Frustration & Confusion .. not a good combo

So last night after class, I came into my room to check my e-mail and was completely floored. I had about 100 sign-ups to various newsletters that I never signed up for. Then I had an invite to maximtogo in which “Randy” (Rans real name) left me this message “i want a hotter girfriend cuz ur ugly sweete baby kate” which I’m sure you can guess my reaction to that. So basically I got a message from my boyfriend saying I was ugly. Wow, thanks. I sent him a text message and was really pissed and then after thinking about it I realized it wasn’t him. So I texted him again and told him that. This whole time he is barely texting me.

In fact, he never said I love you, never said anything sweet, he just barely talked. I’m beginning to get used to this from him. Back when we first started dating I poured my heart out to him over voicemail since he wouldn’t pick up and he never said anything. So I’m trying to realize he is a changed person and not think that history is repeating itself but it’s hard. I’m so used to being pessimistic and I’m so used to him, I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know why people are messing with him.

Now moving on to this morning, I have close to 500 spam messages TO his old and new email address that I got sent. They are all spam newsletters and I am livid. I can’t even decipher what’s my real e-mail and what’s not because there are so many messages filling up Thunderbird. I did see a message that I got a little while ago from his friend who has received the same messages as well. So at least it’s not me. I tried to e-mail him and ask him what’s going on but he hasn’t replied. I don’t know if he’s busy or asleep or just ignoring me. I’m hoping he’s asleep.

So my question is have you ever had something happen to you that you really wanted to think the worst and it was overpowering your attempts to remain positive? If so what did you do and how did the situation turn out? I was told by someone I need to have more faith in people and I am really trying to but it’s hard when you’re so used to getting crapped on relentlessly.

Anyways, I need to get dressed and head to my first class. Yay communications. *sarcasm* I have to give a speech introducing a fellow classmate and I am so worried I’ll stumble all over my words. I don’t like speaking in front of people but at least it’s only 5 other people! It definitely could be worse. So until next time, later gators.

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Cut my heart into pieces…

I have a big issue that has been on my mind for a while now. I seem to love someone who thinks that the only answer to their problems is to off their self. I just don’t understand how one can lose the drive and desire to live. It’s like all of a sudden it’s a constant thing. Every time I hear them talk about it, my heart breaks into tiny little pieces. I’m caught between caring about my well being and trying to be their for this person and to be a good friend. I know in my head that having them in my life isn’t the smartest choice since every time they talk about this it makes me sink to an all-time low. The really weird thing is that this person does make me happy just even being around them. They are one of those type of people who come into your life unexpectedly but manage to make a big impact just the same. I seriously feel numb on the inside. I wish I knew what to do or say to help this person and to be a better friend/support system but I don’t know how to. I’m doing all I can and evidently it’s not helping at all. *sigh*