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Ugh, WHY!?!

Okay I am a big TV fanatic and most of those that know me know how true this is. Well, I have to rant before I go insane. I don’t know how many of you watch Ghost Whisperer but UGH! Why the heck did they let Jim die? I understand the new storyline but that completely blew me out of the water. They were the perfect couple, getting ready to have a baby, and now, he’s dead. And the way they did it just made me sob. I just was speechless. And last night’s episode made me cry as well when she talked about moving on and letting go. I just can’t imagine losing my boyfriend and watching that made me realize how lost and lonely I’d be without him. Poor Melinda! Every season they make someone close to her die like Andrea, her dad, and now Jim. When will they start being nice to her?

On the upside, two of the hunks from Passions are now playing on Days of Our Lives. Oh sweet Luis, you are so back in my life! Heh. I am uber happy about this. I need to get dressed, take Selena to a birthday party, and find something to do with Rans until we have to pick her back up. So until next time, later gators!

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The Silent Burdens We Carry

I never realized how like my mother I am. We had a long talk tonight and after the conversation, I had to come to my room and just let it all go because I couldn’t hold my tears in any longer. Why is it that we are taught by society that if you aren’t a perfect size one or if you have curves that you are undesirable? Why are we taught that bigger people only get that way by pigging out and sitting on their lazy butt when not all cases are like that? Why do some people think it’s their God given right to make others feel like crap and worthless? I don’t understand these things, seriously, I don’t.

When I was growing up, I was an average size kid. When I was seven, I was molested by my grandfather. This memory still haunts me to this day considering only my mom and my grandmother knows and my grandmother has passed away and because I still have to see him at Christmastime when I go to my dad’s. After the molestation, I changed. I wasn’t the happy kid I once was, I had an internal battle over the fact I couldn’t understand what had happened to me or why he did the things he did to me. So begins the long road of things to make me turn to food as a friend and as something to cheer me up. When I was thirteen, I was a bigger girl but I was okay with it but soon after that, I couldn’t lose weight no matter how hard I tried. I found out like most of my family, I had hypothyroid and my levels bounced around even when I was on medicine.

Then we fast forward to fifteen where I was sexually abused on a daily basis by a friend. He manipulated me since I had a falling out with my best friend and wasn’t feeling being in the crowd I was in at the time. Two of my best friends became home schooled and I just didn’t feel like going to school. I was harassed and picked on because I wasn’t skinny and I just took it because I didn’t feel like I was worth standing up for. I felt worthless and the more the friend did to me, the farther I sank until I was so deep inside my dark place, there was no turning around. I stopped going to school and became home schooled myself since my mom had recently gotten in a car wreck which deemed her disabled. So while I studied and finally got rid of the “friend,” I still stayed in my dark place within myself and never really felt the need to leave my room or my house. At this time, I was trying to lose weight and trying anything to make myself feel better. I had went to another doctor who took me off my thyroid medicine saying I didn’t need it anymore. That made things worse. Within the year I was off of my medicine, I gained 50 pounds. That whole year, I dieted and exercised so by no means was I sitting on my big butt doing nothing. I was walking a mile and a half every day, sometimes longer and eating healthy for once but I still kept gaining.

Finally, I went to a new doctor and got back on my thyroid medicine but my levels still go up and down. The point is, I am a big girl and I have tried to do something about it with no progress. I am still haunted by the torture I went through as a child and all of the names people called me, they still hurt. Just because I am in some people’s eyes fat, doesn’t mean I don’t hurt.

I honestly have no clue why I’ve typed all of this. I guess maybe if people read they will realize wow, the things I say could hurt other people not just today, but down the road. I by no means sit in my bed and go over in my head things people say, it’s just if you hear something over and over you are bound to start believing it. And if I can touch one person or make someone feel like they are not alone in this world, then I’ve done my part. Luckily, I have a mom (more like best friend!!) who knows how it is to go through all of this. That’s all for now. Sorry for such a depressing blog, I just have not stopped crying since my mom and I’s talk and I needed to blog.

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It’s fun to be random!

I have nothing nice to say at the moment since evidently Halloween (my favorite holiday) made me sick and now to add in with sinus problems, my Yaz (birth control) has me sick to my stomach as well. So I figured why not make a nifty little list since all I can do right now is ramble.. so ramble on!

• I miss my boyfriend. Yes, I’m taking the leap of faith and opening up. If I get hurt, I get hurt. I adore him and he is my world. You have no idea how comforting it is to know someone gives a dang about me and to have someone to talk to after a long day. Sad thing is I won’t get to see him or spend time with him until Sunday IF then. Stupid work schedules!

• My bestest friend, who I met via blogging and sites coincidentally, officially booked her plane ticket to Atlanta! Watch out Atlanta, Kateness and the awesome Mary (blog will be up & running soon) are going to take the city by storm! The boyfriend is going to go with me to pick her up since I’ve never been to the airport before and I hate driving at night, nevertheless in city traffic!

• My dog got out last night and we chased him for a good hour. I think he burnt his paw in the fire my step-dad had burning and our wild cat, Baby, attacked him as well. Poor Jack! Finally, a neighbor from up the street was walking her dog and Jack decided to stand his ground so the boyfriend had time to go snatch him up and bring him inside. My dog is a weenie dog but swears he is as big as a Pitbull!

• I finished the book I was reading. Specials by Scott Westerfield is a great book even though I feel horrible for Tally. Reading is one of my favorite past times and something I do daily. Since my stomach has been upset, it’s kept me company in between puking my guts up. Yes, I’m sure you wanted to know that! Hah. My next book I’m on to reading is Shopaholic & Baby which I am already half way through. I can’t wait until the rest of my Stephanie Plum books I’ve ordered off of PaperBack Swap.

• I love candy! What are your favorite candies? I’m sure we have some since we have over half of our candy left over. Evidently, everyone in town went to the football game instead of trick or treating which I don’t blame them. High school and college football games are the best! I am just glad we still have SweetTarts left over since they are my favorite candy ever. Don’t get me wrong, I love my chocolate but there is just something about SweetTarts that I like more! After all, that used to be my nickname or one of them back in high school.

• Speaking of college football, I am seriously disappointed in my team after this past weekend’s game. C’mon dawgs, it’s time to step up to the plate!! Yes, I am a huge-mongous UGA fan! Go Dawgs!!

That’s all for now. I shall upload all my Halloween photos when I feel better. I have some pictures of Jack to upload as well. Until next time, later gators!

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Somedays, I wish I were in a fairytale

So much for uploading all of my Halloween photos because today I didn’t even wake up until well after noon. I swear when I woke up I felt like a freight train had ran my ass over. My whole body hurts and my throat is doing that let’s play with fire every time Kate swallows. Yeah throat, I love you too. I kind of had an accident with my bed so now one of my slats is completely messed up. The other day I moved my bed over to get something and unplug something and when I moved it back this slat wouldn’t go in place. So I being Miss Brilliant kicked it and jammed it into place. That so was not smart considering it decided to break two days ago and I had to sleep feeling like my head was downhill and my feet were uphill. That is so not good for my lungs! So that is the main reason I woke up at 7 AM this morning with a migraine from hell and a neck ache. When I grabbed my phone and looked to see the time I noticed I had a text message which was from Rans asking me if I was sick and telling me he had a fever of 101. So I guess I’m not the only sick one!

Moving on from the subject of sickness, I text messaged Rans to tell him we needed to talk. See, I have a problem with accepting compliments and when he gives them, I either say some smartass comeback or I completely play it off which makes me feel stupid. I guess when I look in the mirror, I don’t see anything worth complimenting on. I in no ways think I’m the ugliest person but I just don’t think I’m pretty or what not. Well, when he gives me compliments and tells me certain things I do feel pretty but only for a split second. Well, he assumed since I told him the dreaded “we need to talk” I was breaking up with him. Poor babe. I immediately explained and now everything is all good. I really want to learn how to be the loving and caring girlfriend that I want to be, I’m just too scared to be. I’m so scared that once I open up, things will go horribly wrong and I will be all alone again. Only this time, I know I’m with who I am supposed to be with and I know its forever. I just have some things to work out with the inner me which is a lot easier to address with this blog. So yes readers, your blogista is a very insecure girl trying to break out of her shell slowly but surely. I can’t change over night. I have so many things to get over and so many fuck you’s to say before I can move on!

Anyways, I am going to go play Sims 2 with Selena, my little sister. She is sick, too. She managed to sleep even later than I did which is really rare and bless her heart, she has a really bad cough! So I’m playing big sister and going to play the Sims and eat blow pops! Ha. So until next time, later gators! And Selena says good night all!

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Happy Halloween!

I just wanted to quickly blog to tell everyone out there in the blogosphere Happy Halloween! Whether you love all the free candy or seeing all the giggling children dressed up, Halloween is an awesome holiday. I personally love watching all the kids with their parents walking up and down our street so excited as they walk up our front porch steps and proudly open their bags waiting for candy. I swear, kids are the cutest thing ever. It was fun handing out candy with the boyfriend since he is so adorable around kids. He talked to each of the kids and handed them their candy.

I will post pictures tomorrow of our decorations and such as soon as I move them over to flickr. For now, I’m headed to watch some TV and head to bed. So until next time, later gators!

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Okay, who did it!?

Yes, that’s exactly what I want to know, who did it? Who stole my cleaning fairy because I’d very much like it back, darn little bugger. Yesterday, the boyfriend decided he would unhook all wires from my computer and zip tie them so I don’t have all these wires jumbled up below my desk since Jack likes to lay under the desk when I’m at my desktop. So that little project turned into him vaccuuming and dusting my desk/printer area. So now I have a spotless corner and I know I’m expected to make the rest of my room look that way in his eyes. Boy oh boy, how I hate dang cleaning. I swear, I’d rather take a punch to the stomach than clean my room. It’s not that my room is super messy, it’s just that my closet has almost 0 room and I feel like if I get rid of something, I’m throwing out memories. I know that’s now the way to look at things but I can’t help it. Since he made the effort to straighten up my desk area, I guess I can do the rest of my room. Only downfall is I have like 12 hours before he is back up here so I better get it done!

In other news, I almost decided to have a hernia concerning my FireFox! I installed the new version and was all yippy skippy over running it so I could check out Sage Too when BOOM! It crashes automatically. I mean Safe Mode wouldn’t even work. So after googling my little heart out, I found a solution to uninstall Google Desktop Search and once I did, FireFox worked! Yay! I was so scared I was going to have to use IE. *shudders* And I must say my site looks horrible in IE. I should fix that. I also need to fix some CSS issues around the site and set up FeedBurner for this domain. I shall conquer domain issues after I get my cleaning done and run to the store to get a pumpkin. OH yes, better watch out Halloweeners, Kateness is carving a pumpkins and no comments on what it is after it’s done because my carving skills aren’t too keen! Lol. I need to find some carving patterns, I wanna carve something cute. I will post a picture when it’s complete.

Anyways, time to clean and run some errands. We’ve yet to purchase Halloween candy and every year we spend almost $100 in candy and STILL run out so this year we’re trying to buy more for the same amount. Thank God for Wally World! So until next time, later gators.

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Mother Nature, must you hate us?

The weather officially sucks big ones. I was so excited that Rans was going to be up here last night and when I walked into the kitchen from getting groceries and picking up some fast food for dinner I immediately was saddened. Rans is sick and his eyes were all puffy and watery. Poor baby. So now after spending time with him, I’m stopping up, too. Actually I think pretty much everyone I know of is getting sick. It’s the weather since Mother Nature can’t pick a season. Last week it was in the high 70′s and everyone was wearing shorts and capris but today it’s in the low 50′s for a high and low 30′s for our daytime low. Heck, yesterday I wore bermuda shorts and a tee shirt and was fine but today I wouldn’t step out without having on jeans and a hoodie.

So today I spent most of my time sleeping. I forgot to take my synthroid lately which had me feeling really weak and really moody the past few days so now that I took it last night, I feel like I’m going through a roller coaster. One minute I will be fine and the next my body will be aching again. I hate this. I lost my medicine when I packed it up from our trip to Gatlinburg. I finally found it the other day so now I can get back to feeling better.

Although today I almost had a heart attack!! I’m swapping colleges in January and I thought the deadline to have everything in was November 1st. Well, no, it’s not. Thank God. I have to have a copy of my GED scores (I got my GED because my mom was in a bad car wreck so I became home schooled to help around the house) and I could not find them anywhere. So I have to now mail this form in and wait 4 weeks for me to receive my scores. That’s fine as long as all my information is submitted by December 10th. Financial aid has to be submitted by the 1st of November which is not a big problem at all. I’m just so excited that I finally made up my mind. I’ve let my past with the rape and social anxiety govern my life for so long. I’ve been scared to try new things and pursue my dreams so I played it safe by taking majors I knew I would be good at. After my summer vacation, I had some time to really think about my life and what all I wanted. I made up my mind that I wanted to be a teacher and I wanted Rans. So I already got Rans, now it’s time to get the teaching degree. Heh. So tomorrow I plan on mailing my form off.

I can’t describe how awesome I feel knowing what I want. Anyways, I need to go cook dinner. Mexican chicken!!! I’ll have to take a pic and post a recipe later. Maybe I will add some recipes to my blog. That’d be awesome since I love to bake and cook but I haven’t felt like cooking for a while now. It’s funny that now that I’m happy I can’t wait to bake away! Lol. So until next time, later gators.

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