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Nothing like the run around

I just got off the phone with both Highlands and Coosa Valley. Basically, all my information has not been processed yet and they did not receive my college transcripts yet. Well, after hearing that, I called Coosa Valley. Per the lady I talked with which I know, my transcripts were sent the 3rd of December. Highlands should have received them then because both places are in the same town. My application was received the very next day.

I’m going to try to not even stress about all of this. I’m tired of being stressed. In fact, I was so freaking out over the weekend I gave myself hives I think. I have been itching like crazy to the point you can see claw marks all over my arms and stomach from where I’ve scratched. I can’t stand this. I seriously hate being stressed out and obviously be being stressed is not helping anything so it’s time to calm down.

Tonight is Selena’s Christmas program at her school. I swear I know all the kids’ lines by now thanks to her. She repeats them over and over. She is so excited and she was upset because I was supposed to get my tires aligned on my car but if I did that I wouldn’t be here to help her get ready. I guess the tires can wait until tomorrow because I am not dealing with the wrath of an 8 year old. I need to go to the store and pick up some groceries as well. Rans will be here tomorrow night and then we both are going to pick Mary up Wednesday. I’m so excited!! So I need to get going and take a shower. So until next time, later gators.

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That just really burns me!

I went to check online to make sure my application and all the information that I submitted was received and the website for Highlands is saying they did not receive my transcripts. That really just burns me because part of my transcripts I sent with my application fee and they marked that as received. So tomorrow morning I plan on calling them and finding out what the heck is up with that. I really need to get things going because everything was supposed to be submitted by Friday. Thanks for taking forever Coosa Valley! Grrr.

As far as my last post, I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching and then I will talk to him. I want to make my mind up first and I am happy with how we are now. I know I can talk to him about anything it’s just sex talks are kind of awkward and weird at times. I have a hard time talking about feelings and everything so it’s a me problem, not a problem with me just talking to him per say. When it comes to talking to him, he puts my mind at ease. I just haven’t figured out how exactly I want to get my point across and really what my point is since I am unsure of if I want to go all the way or what not. To me it’s a big decision even though to some people deciding to have sex is as easy as deciding on the clothes you’re gonna wear that day. I guess I am old fashioned and consider it to be special and meaningful which I know it would be with him but still, my mind isn’t made up.

I have accomplished absolutely nothing this weekend. It’s been so cold and my stomach has been upset. Everything I eat is making me feel ill. I think I got the stomach bug a lot of people have been getting around here or else it’s a side effect to not eating how I should be. I’m going through the I’m never hungry phase again. The last day the boyfriend was here he was all worried about me because I got really sick from not eating all day but I wasn’t hungry. I force myself to eat and I hate that. Maybe my appetite will come back around soon. I hope so at least.

Well, I think I’m going to go wrap up in my comforter with Jack and read a book or watching a holiday movie. I can’t seem to get warm since obviously my heater (aka Rans) is not here. He will be here Tuesday and then Wednesday night we’re picking up Mary from the airport! Yay! I’m so excited! Also, on Thursday, it’s Selena’s birthday. I can’t believe she is already turning nine! I feel so old. So until next time, later gators.

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Being Frustrated Is NO Fun

I am so gosh darn tired, but I decided to pop on for a minute to write a post. The past three days have been amazing spending time with the boyfriend. We had a lot of fun and I love being around him. Even though we got woken up at 11 AM when we didn’t go to bed well after 4 AM, today still turned out well. My step-dad was changing the struts on my car and needed a special tool so Rans had to take him to get it. Luckily, Rans decided to be an amazing boyfriend and let me sleep in. Evidently, he let me sleep until dang 1 PM! Lol. I was tired. I had a very late and tiring night so I earned my sleep.

There are some things I am confused about in our relationship though. I guess I should just put it out there. We decided when we first started talking to not have sex until we were either engaged or married. I respect that completely, but lately we have been pushing the limit. Everything but penetration we’ve done and we came very close to penetration quite a few times. I don’t know if I should talk to him to make sure we’re on the same page or what. I just feel really confused. He brings out a side of me no one never has. For once, I’m not the prude and I understand how it feels to crave to touch someone’s body or feel their lips on your skin. I just don’t know how to discuss things with him. I would never take things further than he wanted to but I don’t know if he does and he’s holding on because he thinks I don’t. Then on the other hand I don’t want to take it further because I love knowing that on our wedding day it’d be our first time together despite the fact we’ve both been with other people. We’re both born again virgins and lately, being one sucks.

Anyways, any advice is mucho appreciated. I just don’t really know who to talk to I guess. All I can say is I’ve been satisfied more so by not having sex with him than anytime I have had sex with anyone else. It’s hard to explain other than he drives me crazy. I’m a horn dog and I love feeling sexy and all that jazz but still, it’s frustrating. I have the sex glow without even having sex. How sad is that?!

Ugh, it’s definitely time for Kateness to head to bed and get some rest. I need to sleep all these thoughts off and pray to God him and his sexness do not enter my dreams. Ha. I’ll post some photos of all the decorating we got done today and blog more about our few days together tomorrow! So until next time, later gators!

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Cue the party, stage right!

It is official, I have sent off my application for Highlands. I was so excited yesterday that I told the post office lady that my receipt was a golden receipt since it marked a memorable day in history! Yes, I know, I’m a dork but do I care? That would definitely be a negative.

I had to get my shot records yesterday. It really sucked because the lady at the health department tried to tell me I needed an appointment when a week before a man told me I didn’t. He basically told me bring it to reception and he’d fill it out himself. I didn’t have time that day so I couldn’t make it up there. Luckily, said lady was wrong and I got someone to fill out the form. Even though it took a good 30 minutes of waiting with every person in the ghetto (yes, our health department is located in the ghetto, I swear!) it was well worth it.

After getting my shot records, I went to mail off the form. I bought a big envelope at the grocery store but I grabbed another one at the post office so my papers wouldn’t get bent. Yes, I am weird I know. I just didn’t want any reason for my forms to not be processed in a timely manner. The lady at the post office said that my forms would be received today since the college is in my town. Technically the college is like 5 minutes from my house so I could have drove it over there but they prefer things by mail. Heh.

So yes, I am absolutely excited. My mom didn’t seem too thrilled though. I had to text message Rans so I’d get the reaction I wanted. Ha. He told me he was happy because it’s what I wanted and he was proud of me. I don’t think my mom knew I was looking for a big reaction. Maybe she isn’t as excited as me since this is like my twenty bazillionth major. This is what I want to do. It’s what I always wanted to do but I was afraid. I have a big fear of failing and more than that, I’d never ask my mom to pay for my college since we didn’t have the money. This college is double the tuition we currently pay but we have the money and I have better financial aid, thankfully.

Anyways, I just wanted to post a quick blog. Actually, this is me procrastinating yet again instead of cleaning my room like I should be doing. I get to spend two amazing days with the boyfriend and two amazing nights with him as well. I love when he is here. I love the feeling I get at night when I know when I wake up in the morning I am waking up to him. I love that boy more than anything. I finally understand what it means to truly love someone and it’s so new but so exciting at the same time. So until next time, later gators.

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I need 20 bazillion blankets

Seriously, like the title says, I need about 20 bazillion blankets because I am so cold right now. I’ve tried everything to get warm; more clothes, blankets, and even turned off my fan in my room which I never do. It’s 39 degrees outside and usually the cold doesn’t bother me, but this year, I have hated it even though it hasn’t gotten that cold yet. Maybe my blood is thinning out or something because seriously I lived for the winter time. I love the cold weather and the possibility for snow. Now all I can think of is I can’t wait for Spring and Summer again. I’m miserable. Now my lip has cracked. I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror and there is this long crack in my lip and it was bleeding. How the heck did that happen overnight?

When I woke up this morning, I called the college I am supposed to go to in January. I have until the end of this week to send in all my stuff. I have everything done so far except my shot records so tomorrow morning guess where I’ll be? Oh yes, that’s right, at the health department paying them to fill out this form. I just want to get everything submitted so I can go meet with Mrs. Walker and figure out what all I need to take to start Fall of 09 at West Georgia. I’m excited but nervous all at the same time. I lay awake at night stressing over being the new student and then stressing over money. Will we have enough to pay for my college? Am I going to put pressure on my mom to pay for school when she could use the money for something else? Honestly, I think all these money worries are all in my head. My mom said she’d help me because I can pay her back whenever I’m done with school and I’ll have the Pell Grant as well. I think my mind is finding some excuse to not be happy and I really don’t like that one bit. It’s hard breaking the habit of being a worry wart and Debbie Downer. Every time I get happy I have these thoughts in my head like how long is it going to last? I plan on putting Debbie Downer on mute, kthnx.

Well, I need to get out of this desk chair and hop back in my bed to get warm. I wish I had a heat blanket and perhaps I will go buy one tomorrow. Poor Jack, he’s under a mountain of comforter with only his little nose stuck out. He’s cold, too. I need to take some medicine thanks to the weather stopping my sinuses back up. Ugh, I am hating this winter already!!! So anyways, until next time, later gators!

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The Turkey Blues

I really wanted to make a post on Thanksgiving but I have been so busy. A few days before Thanksgiving, Rans and I decided that he wouldn’t be up here since he wanted to spend Thanksgiving with his family. He is an only child and he couldn’t miss his mom’s Thanksgiving just like I couldn’t miss my mom’s. That was fine with me until my dad called and left me a voicemail inviting me over to his house for Thanksgiving at noon. This totally shocked me.

I have not seen my father since Father’s Day and have not talked to him since my birthday in September when I was supposed to go get my birthday card from him but never did. He also mentioned me card in the voice mail. So I literally text Rans that instant and beg him to go to Thanksgiving with me. For the longest I’ve wanted to be closer to my dad and I felt so unwelcomed because I was never invited by him to anything. He always relied on my brother to tell me but this time, he called me and I even got it recorded! Ha. Since Rans knew this was a big deal to me, he agreed to go so he could be there to support me. No, he didn’t say yes just to meet my father, he said yes because he knew I needed him and he is an amazing boyfriend.

Sadly, the night before Thanksgiving I got hardly any sleep since I had a lot of cooking to do to make up for the hour I’d miss the next morning being at my dad’s. In my family, I cook most of the Thanksgiving meal with my mom and sister, Beth. I didn’t get into bed until at least 5 AM and then had to wake up at 10 AM to get some things started before I left. I was shaking all morning long because for some reason, my dad makes me extremely nervous. Once we got there, I lightened up. My dad and step-mom really liked Rans which I knew they would. He is amazing and so respectful and nice. How could you not like him? Lol. Not only that, he’s my best friend and per my step-mom we make a cute couple.

Now per my title I’m sure you can tell something bad must have happened on Thanksgiving and I am getting to that part now. After we ate and then fed the horses, I stepped inside to tell my step-mom bye. Also, this was Rans’ first time being on a farm and seeing horses up close and personal and feeding/petting them so it was cool for him. The look on his face was priceless. My step-mom asked me if I had heard about my daddy and I was like no. She then told me he had Stage 4 Liver Disease and they are unsure how he got it. There are four stages and he’s at the last stage which is the worst. They might be able to try medicine once they know how he got it and if not, he’ll have to be put on the donor list for a liver transplant. When she told me that the breath rushed from my lungs. I felt like I was being suffocated and I had to get out. After she told me that I told her we had to go and then told my dad bye and left.

I had so many thoughts running through my mind like is this God’s idea of a sick joke!? To dangle him in front of me and then threaten to take him away from me once I get him back in my life? My step-mom told me he missed me and he’d love to hear from me and see me more often so I vowed I’d call more and go see him more and I will. I love my daddy and I will do anything he needs me to do to make things better. On the way home I broke down. I thank God for Rans because he helped me keep it together and tried to help me look for the positive as in medicine might help and that he knew people that had liver disease but lived long lives. I’m just hoping and praying for the best. To everyone reading this, please keep my dad and my family in your thoughts. We really need it.

The rest of my Thanksgiving went well. It was an exhausting day and an emotional day having to deal with my thoughts and feelings about my dad and his disease. I just, didn’t know what to do after I heard the news and then Rans had to leave so I was in turmoil. It’s weird how without Rans I feel so alone and nothing makes sense but when he is around I see clarity.

I need to decide on what I want to eat so I can go watch some movies or something. Got to get my head away from the negative thoughts and on to something else. So until next time, later gators! I hope everyone had a safe and happy Thanksgiving for those Americans out there that celebrate it!

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Bad Blogger!

I’ve seriously been a horrible blogger. All of my people I usually comment on, I apologize profusely. I’ve been busy lately so I haven’t had time to blog. Or maybe I’ve had stuff to blog about, I just needed to get things straight in my head before I blogged about them ya know?

Last week, I went to my doctor. I was so excited to go because I had decided I was finally ready to take weight loss seriously. I’m at a point in my life where I am seriously considering walking down the aisle and having babies and all that jazz. In order to do so, I want to be healthy. I don’t care about looking better or whatever, I just want to be healthy so I can enjoy my life. My father was diagnosed with diabetes which puts me at an even greater risk to be diabetic myself so that’s another reason to take the weight thing seriously. I’ve always wanted to lose weight, I just needed to get prepared mentally for it first. I’ve finally shed the unhappiness and the inner darkness Kate so I’m ready to get started.

When I brought up the subject with my doctor, she immediately popped my happiness bubble. I thought she’d give me some suggestions on maybe vitamins, a gym recommendation or whatever but no, she told me to become a vegetarian because you don’t see overweight vegetarians. I was heartbroken. I just didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything at all. I understand that my doctor is skinny and maybe she doesn’t know the trials and tribulations to be overweight and be faced with a long, hard journey but I really think she could have said something more than be a vegetarian. Or maybe I just thought in my head she’d be supportive. I don’t know what I was expecting to be honest. All I know is on the car ride home I cried like a baby because I feel like I needed my doctor’s support and words of wisdom to help me out to get started but I didn’t get that.

I can go without a lot of things food wise and I am ready to make sacrifices but to totally cut things out will not work with me. I have to take things gradually. It’s bad enough that I don’t eat how I’m supposed to. I eat about a meal or two meals a day and that’s it. My mom and boyfriend have started to crawl my butt every time I feel light headed and weak from not eating because I need to take better care of myself. I am starting to eat the designated three meals a day plus two healthy snacks. I’m just picky about what I put into my mouth and I’m sorry but I’m a Southern girl, I gotta have my meat!

So my thoughts on my doctor? Screw her. I can do this but on my own terms. I know in some cases that isn’t always the most ethical way to do things but I do understand I need to burn more than what I take in but since I haven’t been eating the way I should be lately, I need to get on a balanced diet and schedule to get my body back in order. So, this shall be a fun ride. I don’t plan on starting til after the holidays. I’m sorry but I want to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am going to cut back after Thanksgiving and get used to eating three meals a day. I don’t really eat a lot Christmas since I do most of the cooking but I don’t want to feel guilty if I eat that holiday. I guess I’m made to feel guilty when I eat because I am overweight. I know that if my thyroid level was where it’s supposed to be at, all my past attempts at weight loss would’ve worked. My old doctor flat out told me this because every time I cut back and no results, I feel like a failure. I’m trying to work on not feeling that way though. Luckily for me that I have a supportive family and an even more supportive boyfriend.

I need to go defrost some chicken for dinner so until next time, later gators!

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