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That was so me.

Ever since things have started falling into place in my life, I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting upon what I have to feel thankful for and what I would like to work on to better myself. I know I spent a lot of my life going through the day to day and never thinking about the others I affected around me. Heck, in my teen years it was all about me, me, and oh yeah, me. I think everyone goes through phases like that but since my mom’s wreck, I’ve really been trying to be more aware of the things I do and how they affect the people that surround me. I guess I’m trying to become a better person and control my moodiness at times so I will learn to have more patience once I start teaching. At least that’s what I’m telling myself. lol.

Tonight the boyfriend decided to play Mr. Fix It. You see, two weeks ago, he bought me a new door knob for my room. This one locks with a key and we gave my mom the keys to it. My old door locked but my little sister and brother would unlock it with their fingernails, crafty little kids. Well, since the boyfriend installed it, my door won’t shut. It’s the thing the thing is supposed to latch into. I have no idea what to call it but after about an hour of messing with it, he fixed it. He fixed it way before that but we noticed the bottom hinge to my door was completely off so we put it back on and that changed how the door locked. Then we had a hard time making the door latch because the new door knob was different than my old one so he chiseled some of my door frame out so it would finally latch. How lucky am I to have a sexy Mr. Fix It.

I really didn’t want to put this on my blog but my Lord, he completely surprised me last night. I’m not big on being touch feely and one to make out all the time but wow, I love being close to him. I love laying in his arms and he definitely was macking last night. That’s okay, he is allowed to. Needless to say I really had bed hair afterward. He is the only one I’ve felt passion for I guess you could say. It’s like this feeling comes over me where I want to feel close to him and I want his hands on my body and my hands on his. Plus, I’ve never had a guy literally drive me crazy and to the point where I am shaking from feeling overwhelmingly awesome. I don’t know how else to describe it. My boyfriend is talented. And no, we did not have sex. That’s one thing I don’t see us doing for a while. I like this stage of our relationship though. Ever since he announced I’m the one and we’re going to get married one day, it feels like we’re reintroducing ourselves to each other. Everything seems brand new because I have a whole new comfort level with him. I feel relaxed and like I know he loves me for me and I love him for him. It’s amazing.

The only downside to my night is Mary calling crying. She’s having guy troubles and is upset. I feel so bad for her because Mary is an awesome girl and deserves a guy right for her. Maybe she will find him. It seems like a lot of people around me are having relationship problems. My friend Jon is trying to get back with a girl he adores and slowly is trying to earn her trust back. I hope he does. Jon (who is known as Brain and I’m Pinky, get it, Pinky and the Brain!!) is an amazing guy and has always been there for me. He is honestly my saving grace. Besides Rans, he’s the most important guys in my life. It’s great having a guy friend you can tell your troubles to and get the guy perspective from, ya know?

Anyways, I just wanted to write a blog and get some things off my chest. The whole thankfulness came from me uploading pictures to my new Flickr account and memories come rushing back of happy moments in my life. So as usual, until next time, later gators!

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Love Always

If you haven’t noticed already, there is a new theme up. It’s called “Love Always” and I really like the color scheme. I made it for Valentine’s Day and decided to go ahead and put it up cause I might not have time to code it other than the time I had today. Hope you like and if not, oh well.

On the Rans front, evidently he wasn’t so busy working. Instead, he was busy thinking about us. He came to the conclusion I am Mrs. Right and we are going to get married one day. He said he’d never find anyone like me. He loved me more than he could ever imagine loving someone else and he knew he’d never find someone that treated him the way I do. Evidently I make him feel loved. Since he told me all of this, things have just clicked with us. His own thinking and then telling me about what he was thinking led me to my own thinking. I skipped my only class Tuesday and just sat around trying to mull over everything he said and trying to gather and organize my own thoughts.

My conclusion you might ask is that I feel the same way. It just shocked me to hear someone say the things I always wanted to hear. I’ve been waiting my whole life for someone like him. Now that my mom knows about our talk, she’s talking weddings. I am, too. I really hate to admit that since I have never been the one to be all girly and talk about weddings. We don’t plan on getting engaged until later. He knows I can’t handle that right now. I love him but I have a lot going for me at once. Plus, we’ve only been back together for three months but we’ve known each other for a year. Actually, today marks a year exactly but it seems like forever. We don’t want to get married until after I get done with school but now I’m leaning towards between Highlands and West Georgia. Lol. I will be at Highlands for two years and then West Georgia for two. I don’t want to wait four years to get married. For once, I’m excited for my future. I have some things to look forward to.

Tonight at class I was talking to my friend Kathy about what I wanted to do with my teaching degree. I am really leaning towards teaching Special Ed. I love working with children who everyone considers lost causes. I relate to them and they seem to respond really well to me. I don’t consider any child to be a lost cause. Some just take a little longer to get things and with kids who take more time you can just see the light bulb go off in their head and that’s rewarding. Well, at least it is to me. So I’m keeping my Early Childhood Education major and going to take the GACE for Early Childhood AND Special Ed so I can have my pick.

I really need to fold some laundry and clean off my bed before Rans gets here. I can’t wait to see him. I feel like a giddy school girl because he honestly makes me seem like one. I get all giggly when he’s around. So until next time, later gators.

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No school for me.

I have never felt more like a kid then I do now. I am so dreading going to class tomorrow. I would rather just sleep in rather than attend my math class. I had over 100 problems to do before I go back tomorrow and have I done any? Well, heck no. So now I get to play catch up before class and get them all done. I also have a paragraph to write before Wednesday and a two-paragraph over a speech due by Thursday. I am quite sure I could have a lot more to do but luckily I wasn’t assigned that much.

Well, I do have some news on the Rans front. We are fine. I did not have to wait very long at all to hear from him since I heard from him last night. He text messaged me to tell me he loved me and missed me. It really made my night. I was already in a good mood since I went to the movies and out to eat with my best friend so finding out me and him were good made my mood even better. I swear, when I got his text messages, I had a huge grin on my face. He makes me so happy. At least he did last night.

Today he managed to make me mad and make up for it at the same time. He was off today but had stuff to get done. I’m fine with that. I miss him like crazy but I understand when you got things to do. What I did get mad about was he lied about it or he said it jokingly but how the heck are supposed to take a joke and know it’s a joke over text message? So I basically told him off. He took everything I said and apologized and said it was a bad joke. Ya think? He did tell me he misses me and can’t wait until Wednesday and we’ve been text messaging all afternoon. We are okay and I confronted him about the disappearing act and he wasn’t doing that at all. He had been working and was tired and also trying to take care of things with his car. That is a big relief.

I just wanted to post a small update. I’ve been busy updating my new review blog. I’m getting ready to launch it this week so I can take some more paid blogging posts and support myself through college right now. My class hours are impossible to find a job to work with me so hello paid blogging! I’m going to get me something to eat and finish up my coding so until next time, later gators.

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One of them days!

It seriously must be one of those days cause I am in a real sucky mood. I think my mood has carried on from yesterday to be quite honest and I have no idea why. I seriously think I could’ve done some serious damage to anyone that pissed me off yesterday but luckily for everyone around me, no one pissed me off!

I was so irritated and mad at Rans yesterday and I’m really unsure why. I guess I am feeling like in our relationship, and every other relationship I’ve been in for that matter, I am always the one that loves the most and cares the most. I guess just once I wish I could feel like a fairytale princess and bag myself a prince. Rans is a really great boyfriend, don’t get me wrong, but maybe he’s not the boyfriend I want him to be. I know, this sounds extremely selfish and self centered but I just want to for once feel like I am one of the most important things in someone’s life. I think the fact that if I don’t text/talk to him once a day, even just to say hello, I feel all sad and lonely but he can go days without talking to me and he’s fine with it. I guess I feel like I spend my time missing him but am unsure if he really misses me.

So after not hearing from him all day yesterday, I confronted him. He said we were okay, he loves me, and yadda yadda. This was all going on while he was working so I thought okay we had the conversation I’m sure he will text me when he gets off of work and we can finish our conversation and straightening things out between us. WRONG. In fact, I’ve not heard of him since early yesterday evening. Am I seriously overreacting? I really feel like just waiting to see how long it takes him to message me without me messaging him first. I even asked him his next off day and he said he didn’t know. He always knows so I’m thinking he’s pulling a famous disappearing act again. Back when we first broke up he did this the whole week before we broke up. That is why I am so paranoid. I don’t want this to end but at the same time if all he is doing is playing games he needs to stop. I hate the unknown so much.

The real reason I’m upset is because I NEVER let people in. I just am not programed to do so but I let him in. I feel vulnerable cause he knows more about me than anyone and maybe he doesn’t like what he sees in the real me? I just feel all exposed and now I can’t hid behind the fact that he doesn’t know the real me cause he does. I just feel alone. I hate feeling like that.

So since I’m all emo and sad, I’m going to watch some gorey goodness with Manda. We’re going to see My Bloody Valentine in 3-D tonight. I’m sad and she has a day off finally so what better excuse? Obviously I need to get dressed so until next time, later gators.

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I guess I just don’t get her!

So turns out all the stuff I was getting was not from Rans as I initially suspected. The only reason he didn’t text me back last night is he assumed I was asleep since I mentioned I was half asleep and he didn’t get out of work until almost 1 AM. So we’re fine and everything is straightened out. I deleted all the spam messages as well. While I was at it I cleaned out my inbox as well. I went from 948 e-mail messages to less than 100. I will sort the remaining 100 tomorrow. For now, stick a fork in me cause I’m done!

Tonight I had my first class for my art appreciation class. I am not the artsy type but I looked forward to learning something new. The class lasts almost 3 hours long and let me tell you, it’s a snoozer! The only thing I really got out of tonight’s discussion about “What Is Art?” was information on this lady I personally consider to be crazy. Her name is Orlan and basically she believes her face is a work of art. She has Mona Lisa’s forehead, the nose of Gerome’s Psyche, the chin of Botticelli’s Venus, as well as other facial features from other works of art. Every surgery she has done also is considered a work of art and is featured in galleries. I was just amazed. I really just don’t get it I guess you could say but you’re not supposed to get art, it’s supposed to make you think and she definitely makes me think. The thing I did, however, find fascinating is that her surgeries are not ordinary. She doesn’t go under completely, instead during the whole surgery she reads psychoanalytical articles and engages her audience. She also doesn’t wear a hospital gown and in one of her pieces she was featured in a long, black dress. The hospital staff were also featured in elaborate costumes. I guess everyone feels the need to make their life a production and even her surgeries are works of art.

At least I can say I paid attention! Well, I just got out of a nice, long, hot bath so I am relaxed and ready to head to bed. This cold weather is killing me and is wearing down my body. Kateness does not do well in anything colder than 30 degrees. So I will try to blog later this weekend. I have quite a bit of school work to do. So until next time, later gators.

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Frustration & Confusion .. not a good combo

So last night after class, I came into my room to check my e-mail and was completely floored. I had about 100 sign-ups to various newsletters that I never signed up for. Then I had an invite to maximtogo in which “Randy” (Rans real name) left me this message “i want a hotter girfriend cuz ur ugly sweete baby kate” which I’m sure you can guess my reaction to that. So basically I got a message from my boyfriend saying I was ugly. Wow, thanks. I sent him a text message and was really pissed and then after thinking about it I realized it wasn’t him. So I texted him again and told him that. This whole time he is barely texting me.

In fact, he never said I love you, never said anything sweet, he just barely talked. I’m beginning to get used to this from him. Back when we first started dating I poured my heart out to him over voicemail since he wouldn’t pick up and he never said anything. So I’m trying to realize he is a changed person and not think that history is repeating itself but it’s hard. I’m so used to being pessimistic and I’m so used to him, I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know why people are messing with him.

Now moving on to this morning, I have close to 500 spam messages TO his old and new email address that I got sent. They are all spam newsletters and I am livid. I can’t even decipher what’s my real e-mail and what’s not because there are so many messages filling up Thunderbird. I did see a message that I got a little while ago from his friend who has received the same messages as well. So at least it’s not me. I tried to e-mail him and ask him what’s going on but he hasn’t replied. I don’t know if he’s busy or asleep or just ignoring me. I’m hoping he’s asleep.

So my question is have you ever had something happen to you that you really wanted to think the worst and it was overpowering your attempts to remain positive? If so what did you do and how did the situation turn out? I was told by someone I need to have more faith in people and I am really trying to but it’s hard when you’re so used to getting crapped on relentlessly.

Anyways, I need to get dressed and head to my first class. Yay communications. *sarcasm* I have to give a speech introducing a fellow classmate and I am so worried I’ll stumble all over my words. I don’t like speaking in front of people but at least it’s only 5 other people! It definitely could be worse. So until next time, later gators.