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Bad Blogger!

I’ve seriously been a horrible blogger. All of my people I usually comment on, I apologize profusely. I’ve been busy lately so I haven’t had time to blog. Or maybe I’ve had stuff to blog about, I just needed to get things straight in my head before I blogged about them ya know?

Last week, I went to my doctor. I was so excited to go because I had decided I was finally ready to take weight loss seriously. I’m at a point in my life where I am seriously considering walking down the aisle and having babies and all that jazz. In order to do so, I want to be healthy. I don’t care about looking better or whatever, I just want to be healthy so I can enjoy my life. My father was diagnosed with diabetes which puts me at an even greater risk to be diabetic myself so that’s another reason to take the weight thing seriously. I’ve always wanted to lose weight, I just needed to get prepared mentally for it first. I’ve finally shed the unhappiness and the inner darkness Kate so I’m ready to get started.

When I brought up the subject with my doctor, she immediately popped my happiness bubble. I thought she’d give me some suggestions on maybe vitamins, a gym recommendation or whatever but no, she told me to become a vegetarian because you don’t see overweight vegetarians. I was heartbroken. I just didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything at all. I understand that my doctor is skinny and maybe she doesn’t know the trials and tribulations to be overweight and be faced with a long, hard journey but I really think she could have said something more than be a vegetarian. Or maybe I just thought in my head she’d be supportive. I don’t know what I was expecting to be honest. All I know is on the car ride home I cried like a baby because I feel like I needed my doctor’s support and words of wisdom to help me out to get started but I didn’t get that.

I can go without a lot of things food wise and I am ready to make sacrifices but to totally cut things out will not work with me. I have to take things gradually. It’s bad enough that I don’t eat how I’m supposed to. I eat about a meal or two meals a day and that’s it. My mom and boyfriend have started to crawl my butt every time I feel light headed and weak from not eating because I need to take better care of myself. I am starting to eat the designated three meals a day plus two healthy snacks. I’m just picky about what I put into my mouth and I’m sorry but I’m a Southern girl, I gotta have my meat!

So my thoughts on my doctor? Screw her. I can do this but on my own terms. I know in some cases that isn’t always the most ethical way to do things but I do understand I need to burn more than what I take in but since I haven’t been eating the way I should be lately, I need to get on a balanced diet and schedule to get my body back in order. So, this shall be a fun ride. I don’t plan on starting til after the holidays. I’m sorry but I want to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am going to cut back after Thanksgiving and get used to eating three meals a day. I don’t really eat a lot Christmas since I do most of the cooking but I don’t want to feel guilty if I eat that holiday. I guess I’m made to feel guilty when I eat because I am overweight. I know that if my thyroid level was where it’s supposed to be at, all my past attempts at weight loss would’ve worked. My old doctor flat out told me this because every time I cut back and no results, I feel like a failure. I’m trying to work on not feeling that way though. Luckily for me that I have a supportive family and an even more supportive boyfriend.

I need to go defrost some chicken for dinner so until next time, later gators!

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Ugh, WHY!?!

Okay I am a big TV fanatic and most of those that know me know how true this is. Well, I have to rant before I go insane. I don’t know how many of you watch Ghost Whisperer but UGH! Why the heck did they let Jim die? I understand the new storyline but that completely blew me out of the water. They were the perfect couple, getting ready to have a baby, and now, he’s dead. And the way they did it just made me sob. I just was speechless. And last night’s episode made me cry as well when she talked about moving on and letting go. I just can’t imagine losing my boyfriend and watching that made me realize how lost and lonely I’d be without him. Poor Melinda! Every season they make someone close to her die like Andrea, her dad, and now Jim. When will they start being nice to her?

On the upside, two of the hunks from Passions are now playing on Days of Our Lives. Oh sweet Luis, you are so back in my life! Heh. I am uber happy about this. I need to get dressed, take Selena to a birthday party, and find something to do with Rans until we have to pick her back up. So until next time, later gators!

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The Silent Burdens We Carry

I never realized how like my mother I am. We had a long talk tonight and after the conversation, I had to come to my room and just let it all go because I couldn’t hold my tears in any longer. Why is it that we are taught by society that if you aren’t a perfect size one or if you have curves that you are undesirable? Why are we taught that bigger people only get that way by pigging out and sitting on their lazy butt when not all cases are like that? Why do some people think it’s their God given right to make others feel like crap and worthless? I don’t understand these things, seriously, I don’t.

When I was growing up, I was an average size kid. When I was seven, I was molested by my grandfather. This memory still haunts me to this day considering only my mom and my grandmother knows and my grandmother has passed away and because I still have to see him at Christmastime when I go to my dad’s. After the molestation, I changed. I wasn’t the happy kid I once was, I had an internal battle over the fact I couldn’t understand what had happened to me or why he did the things he did to me. So begins the long road of things to make me turn to food as a friend and as something to cheer me up. When I was thirteen, I was a bigger girl but I was okay with it but soon after that, I couldn’t lose weight no matter how hard I tried. I found out like most of my family, I had hypothyroid and my levels bounced around even when I was on medicine.

Then we fast forward to fifteen where I was sexually abused on a daily basis by a friend. He manipulated me since I had a falling out with my best friend and wasn’t feeling being in the crowd I was in at the time. Two of my best friends became home schooled and I just didn’t feel like going to school. I was harassed and picked on because I wasn’t skinny and I just took it because I didn’t feel like I was worth standing up for. I felt worthless and the more the friend did to me, the farther I sank until I was so deep inside my dark place, there was no turning around. I stopped going to school and became home schooled myself since my mom had recently gotten in a car wreck which deemed her disabled. So while I studied and finally got rid of the “friend,” I still stayed in my dark place within myself and never really felt the need to leave my room or my house. At this time, I was trying to lose weight and trying anything to make myself feel better. I had went to another doctor who took me off my thyroid medicine saying I didn’t need it anymore. That made things worse. Within the year I was off of my medicine, I gained 50 pounds. That whole year, I dieted and exercised so by no means was I sitting on my big butt doing nothing. I was walking a mile and a half every day, sometimes longer and eating healthy for once but I still kept gaining.

Finally, I went to a new doctor and got back on my thyroid medicine but my levels still go up and down. The point is, I am a big girl and I have tried to do something about it with no progress. I am still haunted by the torture I went through as a child and all of the names people called me, they still hurt. Just because I am in some people’s eyes fat, doesn’t mean I don’t hurt.

I honestly have no clue why I’ve typed all of this. I guess maybe if people read they will realize wow, the things I say could hurt other people not just today, but down the road. I by no means sit in my bed and go over in my head things people say, it’s just if you hear something over and over you are bound to start believing it. And if I can touch one person or make someone feel like they are not alone in this world, then I’ve done my part. Luckily, I have a mom (more like best friend!!) who knows how it is to go through all of this. That’s all for now. Sorry for such a depressing blog, I just have not stopped crying since my mom and I’s talk and I needed to blog.

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It’s fun to be random!

I have nothing nice to say at the moment since evidently Halloween (my favorite holiday) made me sick and now to add in with sinus problems, my Yaz (birth control) has me sick to my stomach as well. So I figured why not make a nifty little list since all I can do right now is ramble.. so ramble on!

• I miss my boyfriend. Yes, I’m taking the leap of faith and opening up. If I get hurt, I get hurt. I adore him and he is my world. You have no idea how comforting it is to know someone gives a dang about me and to have someone to talk to after a long day. Sad thing is I won’t get to see him or spend time with him until Sunday IF then. Stupid work schedules!

• My bestest friend, who I met via blogging and sites coincidentally, officially booked her plane ticket to Atlanta! Watch out Atlanta, Kateness and the awesome Mary (blog will be up & running soon) are going to take the city by storm! The boyfriend is going to go with me to pick her up since I’ve never been to the airport before and I hate driving at night, nevertheless in city traffic!

• My dog got out last night and we chased him for a good hour. I think he burnt his paw in the fire my step-dad had burning and our wild cat, Baby, attacked him as well. Poor Jack! Finally, a neighbor from up the street was walking her dog and Jack decided to stand his ground so the boyfriend had time to go snatch him up and bring him inside. My dog is a weenie dog but swears he is as big as a Pitbull!

• I finished the book I was reading. Specials by Scott Westerfield is a great book even though I feel horrible for Tally. Reading is one of my favorite past times and something I do daily. Since my stomach has been upset, it’s kept me company in between puking my guts up. Yes, I’m sure you wanted to know that! Hah. My next book I’m on to reading is Shopaholic & Baby which I am already half way through. I can’t wait until the rest of my Stephanie Plum books I’ve ordered off of PaperBack Swap.

• I love candy! What are your favorite candies? I’m sure we have some since we have over half of our candy left over. Evidently, everyone in town went to the football game instead of trick or treating which I don’t blame them. High school and college football games are the best! I am just glad we still have SweetTarts left over since they are my favorite candy ever. Don’t get me wrong, I love my chocolate but there is just something about SweetTarts that I like more! After all, that used to be my nickname or one of them back in high school.

• Speaking of college football, I am seriously disappointed in my team after this past weekend’s game. C’mon dawgs, it’s time to step up to the plate!! Yes, I am a huge-mongous UGA fan! Go Dawgs!!

That’s all for now. I shall upload all my Halloween photos when I feel better. I have some pictures of Jack to upload as well. Until next time, later gators!

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Somedays, I wish I were in a fairytale

So much for uploading all of my Halloween photos because today I didn’t even wake up until well after noon. I swear when I woke up I felt like a freight train had ran my ass over. My whole body hurts and my throat is doing that let’s play with fire every time Kate swallows. Yeah throat, I love you too. I kind of had an accident with my bed so now one of my slats is completely messed up. The other day I moved my bed over to get something and unplug something and when I moved it back this slat wouldn’t go in place. So I being Miss Brilliant kicked it and jammed it into place. That so was not smart considering it decided to break two days ago and I had to sleep feeling like my head was downhill and my feet were uphill. That is so not good for my lungs! So that is the main reason I woke up at 7 AM this morning with a migraine from hell and a neck ache. When I grabbed my phone and looked to see the time I noticed I had a text message which was from Rans asking me if I was sick and telling me he had a fever of 101. So I guess I’m not the only sick one!

Moving on from the subject of sickness, I text messaged Rans to tell him we needed to talk. See, I have a problem with accepting compliments and when he gives them, I either say some smartass comeback or I completely play it off which makes me feel stupid. I guess when I look in the mirror, I don’t see anything worth complimenting on. I in no ways think I’m the ugliest person but I just don’t think I’m pretty or what not. Well, when he gives me compliments and tells me certain things I do feel pretty but only for a split second. Well, he assumed since I told him the dreaded “we need to talk” I was breaking up with him. Poor babe. I immediately explained and now everything is all good. I really want to learn how to be the loving and caring girlfriend that I want to be, I’m just too scared to be. I’m so scared that once I open up, things will go horribly wrong and I will be all alone again. Only this time, I know I’m with who I am supposed to be with and I know its forever. I just have some things to work out with the inner me which is a lot easier to address with this blog. So yes readers, your blogista is a very insecure girl trying to break out of her shell slowly but surely. I can’t change over night. I have so many things to get over and so many fuck you’s to say before I can move on!

Anyways, I am going to go play Sims 2 with Selena, my little sister. She is sick, too. She managed to sleep even later than I did which is really rare and bless her heart, she has a really bad cough! So I’m playing big sister and going to play the Sims and eat blow pops! Ha. So until next time, later gators! And Selena says good night all!

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