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It’s time for healing

I am seriously in love with the band Sanctus Real because their songs have greatly influenced my good mood currently. Their songs captivate my exact feelings without me having to write them down myself. It’s so nice to find a band that is able to make you feel normal so to speak and that has music that you can listen to and instantly feel mellowed out. I love it.

Today is Friday and I can’t believe this week has gone by so fast. I have so much to do. It is three weeks until our wedding. Oh my God. Can you believe that? I’m seriously freaking out right now you have no idea. I am just so overwhelmed and excited all in one. I have waited for this day to come for the rest of my life and can’t believe that it is only three weeks away.

In other news, we are headed out to go to Walmart today to finally finish our registry. I believe my family is throwing me a bridal shower in two weeks and since everyone is going to want to know what we want or need, a registry is a lot quicker than listing things, lol. I mean, it’s not like we expect a gold bullion or whatever but we do know that our families are surrounding us with love and trying to help give us a nest egg of items to use once we begin our marriage together. Well, I really should say my mom’s side of the family because his family and my dad’s family haven’t offered to do anything for us which is fine because I don’t care anymore. I’m just glad to know that my mom’s family is supporting us wholeheartedly and have welcomed Jonathan into our family with open arms!! So I better hop in the shower and get dressed so we can hurry and leave! I’ve already wasted half the day away! So until next time, later loves.

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Bruises fade father

So I am finally letting go of all the pain and resentment I have towards my father’s family. I’ve decided to just try to move past it because honestly, if they want to act that way I am better off without them. I’ve come to realize that his side has not ever been there for me. Let’s have a short run down shall we? First off, he abused my mother, brother, and I when I was little. He pushed my mother to the point she had a suicide plan. Also, when we were having a conversation a long time ago, my mother let it slip that sometimes he would force her to do things which for a while led me to fear that I was a product of rape. Finally after asking her I found out I was wanted by her but to him, I was just another obligation. Also, when I was a child I had multiple surgeries to which he never called to check on me or even come visit me in the hospital. It was like he didn’t even seem to care. Now let’s move to to his family like his father, my grandpa, molested me when I was seven years old. His sister-in-law, my aunt, substituted our health class when I was in middle school and she decided to talk about how fat I was and how I needed to lose weight. Yeah, what a confidence booster, huh? And his nephew, my cousin, evidently told Drew that I loved dick and was slutty. Wow. His step-mother, my step-grandmother, has always looked down on us because we didn’t go to a private school like her grandchildren and we weren’t preppy enough for her liking. Let’s also mention how one of his brothers hasn’t muttered one word to me since I was real young. I just can’t comprehend how I want to be close to those types of people.

It never hit me that letting go is sometimes for the best until I watched this week’s episode of Life Unexpected. Kate has a similar problem since her father left and when she discovered he sent her birthday cards she got her hopes up because she assumed he wanted to be in her life. Come to find out, he didn’t want to be her father and her mother hid the cards from her because she thought it was for the best. I think that is what gives me hope when it comes to my father because he gives me a birthday card with $50 every birthday and a card and $100 every Christmas. I have now realized that the money and card were just for him to feel better about his past decisions in life. Just because someone acknowledges a holiday or even you at times does not mean they want to be in your life. Sometimes, an acknowledgment is just something that makes them feel less of a shitty person. Yes, that one hour of television really opened my eyes and enlightened me. It also made me realize I blame Jonathan for how he acts at times because it reminds me of my dad and I think he will act that way when really, I am just mad at my dad and just can’t take it out on him so I choose Jonathan. All my doubts about the wedding day are ridiculous because Jonathan is not like my father and never will be just like I will never be like my father. I will not be an abusive asshole to my significant other and turn my back on my child. I will not judge them based upon their life decisions and I will be proud of them and show them how much I love them on a daily basis.

Wow, that just took a load off of my heart seriously. How can I carry around all this crap and still expect myself to function as normal? Jonathan has been trying to take my mind off of things by talking about our future plans for our room. We plan on pulling up the carpet finally and replacing it with the snap together hardwood floors. This will eliminate a lot of my tendencies to get sick especially due to my allergies. My doctor recommended this a long time ago but we are just now getting to the point where we have the time and resources to do so. We will be putting two rugs in our room, one by the computer and one in front of our dresser, to add a little color and so the dogs have a soft place to lay. I think the whole sketching out how we want to decorate our room is one way I can take my mind off things and relax a little. Creativity is definitely one of my stress outlets.

It’s getting late and I need to head to bed. I have classes tomorrow if I can finally stay out of the bathroom. I had my substitute training class this morning and I woke up with a bad stomach ache but I decided I would try to push through the day since it was only a four and a half hour class. The whole class my stomach rumbled and gurgled while I had these nasty burps but I made it through! I actually made it home barely in time before I just exploded. I have never threw up or spent so much time in the bathroom ever. My stomach still hurts and is all bloated but hopefully I will wake up feeling refreshed in the morning. One can hope can’t they? So until next time, later loves.

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Bunnies and Such

I finally finished my new theme. I am so happy you have no idea. I worked hard on this theme since I really wanted to try a three column style layout instead of my usual two column. I think I did pretty well and plan on tweaking a few things but that can wait. I really just wanted to release this theme before I start working on my two pending projects for my education classes and watch my Spanish DVD’s.

I have been emerging myself into creating this theme because truth be known, I’m having a really hard time controlling my thoughts and emotions this weekend. On Friday I noticed my cousin’s fiance had made a post on Facebook about how she was so excited to be spending last night with my family at her wedding shower. My cousin and his fiance are getting married in June which is a month after my wedding. At first, I didn’t think anything of it until my cousin and sister-in-law were commenting how everyone would be there and how much fun it’d be to have everyone together again. When I read their comments, it really hurt my feelings. Everyone would be there. Everyone except me that is. I just don’t understand how my father’s side of the family can exile me all the time. I am never invited to family holidays or events, and they hardly ever talk to me as it is. In fact, none of them have even RSVP’ed to my wedding. I just don’t understand what I ever did to them. I was very upset Friday night and last night as well. I guess that is yet another blow I can record that has been dealt to me by my father and his family. It wouldn’t bother me if it wasn’t out in the open. Then of course, my cousin, sister-in-law, and nephew’s girlfriend has to all post on their Facebook about how much fun they had last night and everything else. I guess I just feel really alone and unwanted by them because I am definitely the black sheep.

Friday night Jonathan left to spend the night with his friend so he could work at his uncle’s Saturday. He was supposed to be back Saturday night but as usual, he didn’t come home. I was upset because honestly, I needed him. I know I sound like a needy little kid but I depend on him a lot emotionally. He is my rock and he makes everything better. It also didn’t help that he just stopped texting me last night for no reason. I was having a hard enough time and then to feel exiled by him just made it worse. I had all of these nasty thoughts and images going through my head of him and other girls. I don’t know why that is the number one place my brain goes, but it is. I am indeed my own worst enemy and I am unsure how to change that. When things get tough, my mind automatically thinks of anything and everything to make times even tougher. I just feel like I am on steady ground with everything circling with my father and then my wedding coming up. A marriage is forever and that is beginning to scare me. What if he turns out like my dad? If my own father can just stop loving me, what makes me think Jonathan won’t do the same? I feel like an emotional wreck.

All these doubts and thoughts are swirling around me like a black fog. I feel like I can’t even breathe at times. You have no idea how hard this is making my school right now. I am going to be lucky to even pass my History class as it is since I studied so hard for a test and only managed to get a 70. My thoughts are preoccupied with May 1st and wondering what exactly has happened to make relationships with my so-called family so messed up. I really think it is time to shut this chapter of my life. I know I just need to let it go and close the book but it is so hard to turn your back on family. Even though they don’t act like my family and as Jonathan so nicely put it, they treat me like shit, I am afraid to cut the ties with them. Hopefully with some heavy praying and some long talks with God I can get everything straightened out and have the strength to let go of everything. I really want to start off my life with Jonathan in a positive direction, not so messed up with the past.

Also, I am looking for new blog links so if you’d like to swap links or what not or can recommend some good blogs to read, please let me know! I’m looking to build up my blogroll so I can have a lot of new blogs to read as well as my favorite ones already listed.

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Free to be me

I have not felt this revived in a very long time. It’s amazing what a renewal of faith can do to a person. I feel so alive and like my life has a higher purpose. Last night at church, the service was so moving. Yesterday was the day Jesus died for all of our sins and our church was having a special service to mark this day. The word ‘tenebrae’ is Latin for shadows. The purpose of the Tenebrae service is to recreate the emotional aspects of the passion story, so this is not supposed to be a happy service, because the occasion is not happy. So I am sure you can imagine how emotional it was especially when during a song Marc (our preacher) played a slide-show of the images of Jesus’ crucifixion which made me feel so idiotic for all of the things we worry about as humans. I seriously worry over the most minute thing while Jesus laid down his life willingly so I could have everlasting life. I couldn’t help but tear up and want to weep during the songs and scripture readings because I felt ashamed for all the things I have done but so thankful for everything God and Jesus have done for mankind.

Ever since I have started going back to church I have felt whole again. I have felt like something was missing for so long and to actually feel like that piece is in place and I am a changed person is the best feeling ever. I think most of my feelings have to do with the addition of a new preacher since he is easy to relate to and has changed my views on my faith. He is also a big part in mine and Jonathan’s life since he is going to marry us and we are a big part of his life since we are his first official wedding ceremony. He told us we have to work because if we don’t he couldn’t live with himself, lol. So for Marc, we’ll make things work. I have a restored faith that everything is going to be okay and since we’ve attended church as a couple, Jonathan and I have gotten along a lot better. It’s a breath of fresh air.

I just wanted to take some time and unload about last night. I just still am on a buzz from the service. If you have ever seen the cross draped in black and a crown of thorns placed on top, then you know what I mean. It was sad but yet a reminder of how precious life is and what a gift God has given us. I wish I had more time to blog but sadly I need to run some errands which includes going by to pay our auto insurance which I am still ticked it went up $100/month. Evidently we have had a discount for being such loyal customers but geez, that really hits ya like a ton of bricks when you realize how much you are paying a month but car insurance is a necessity. I hope to have a new theme up. I am busy tweaking one since the one I created I am unsure if I really want to use it or not. Until then, later loves.

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My day of semi-rest

I finally took a day of rest for myself. I was supposed to be observing for my education class but I decided I needed a day of rest. I have been bogged down with everything that needs to be done and trying to take care of things for others that I have neglected my own health. I seriously have been sleeping like a log and have been tired all the time lately. I am slowly torturing myself by taking on too much at one time so today is about saying screw everything and let’s have a Katie day!

The only thing on my agenda today is to address the last 20 invitations and get them mailed, look up an auto insurance quote from different companies here since our insurance has gone up $100 for some reason, and then to finally attend the Tenabrae service tonight at church which I am kind of excited about since this is the first time our church has done this. Even though it isn’t exactly a full day of rest, it is a day where I don’t have as much to do as usual so I can squeeze in an hour or two of me time hopefully. I also am going to see about working on the theme!