Bruises fade father

So I am finally letting go of all the pain and resentment I have towards my father’s family. I’ve decided to just try to move past it because honestly, if they want to act that way I am better off without them. I’ve come to realize that his side has not ever been there for me. Let’s have a short run down shall we? First off, he abused my mother, brother, and I when I was little. He pushed my mother to the point she had a suicide plan. Also, when we were having a conversation a long time ago, my mother let it slip that sometimes he would force her to do things which for a while led me to fear that I was a product of rape. Finally after asking her I found out I was wanted by her but to him, I was just another obligation. Also, when I was a child I had multiple surgeries to which he never called to check on me or even come visit me in the hospital. It was like he didn’t even seem to care. Now let’s move to to his family like his father, my grandpa, molested me when I was seven years old. His sister-in-law, my aunt, substituted our health class when I was in middle school and she decided to talk about how fat I was and how I needed to lose weight. Yeah, what a confidence booster, huh? And his nephew, my cousin, evidently told Drew that I loved dick and was slutty. Wow. His step-mother, my step-grandmother, has always looked down on us because we didn’t go to a private school like her grandchildren and we weren’t preppy enough for her liking. Let’s also mention how one of his brothers hasn’t muttered one word to me since I was real young. I just can’t comprehend how I want to be close to those types of people.

It never hit me that letting go is sometimes for the best until I watched this week’s episode of Life Unexpected. Kate has a similar problem since her father left and when she discovered he sent her birthday cards she got her hopes up because she assumed he wanted to be in her life. Come to find out, he didn’t want to be her father and her mother hid the cards from her because she thought it was for the best. I think that is what gives me hope when it comes to my father because he gives me a birthday card with $50 every birthday and a card and $100 every Christmas. I have now realized that the money and card were just for him to feel better about his past decisions in life. Just because someone acknowledges a holiday or even you at times does not mean they want to be in your life. Sometimes, an acknowledgment is just something that makes them feel less of a shitty person. Yes, that one hour of television really opened my eyes and enlightened me. It also made me realize I blame Jonathan for how he acts at times because it reminds me of my dad and I think he will act that way when really, I am just mad at my dad and just can’t take it out on him so I choose Jonathan. All my doubts about the wedding day are ridiculous because Jonathan is not like my father and never will be just like I will never be like my father. I will not be an abusive asshole to my significant other and turn my back on my child. I will not judge them based upon their life decisions and I will be proud of them and show them how much I love them on a daily basis.

Wow, that just took a load off of my heart seriously. How can I carry around all this crap and still expect myself to function as normal? Jonathan has been trying to take my mind off of things by talking about our future plans for our room. We plan on pulling up the carpet finally and replacing it with the snap together hardwood floors. This will eliminate a lot of my tendencies to get sick especially due to my allergies. My doctor recommended this a long time ago but we are just now getting to the point where we have the time and resources to do so. We will be putting two rugs in our room, one by the computer and one in front of our dresser, to add a little color and so the dogs have a soft place to lay. I think the whole sketching out how we want to decorate our room is one way I can take my mind off things and relax a little. Creativity is definitely one of my stress outlets.

It’s getting late and I need to head to bed. I have classes tomorrow if I can finally stay out of the bathroom. I had my substitute training class this morning and I woke up with a bad stomach ache but I decided I would try to push through the day since it was only a four and a half hour class. The whole class my stomach rumbled and gurgled while I had these nasty burps but I made it through! I actually made it home barely in time before I just exploded. I have never threw up or spent so much time in the bathroom ever. My stomach still hurts and is all bloated but hopefully I will wake up feeling refreshed in the morning. One can hope can’t they? So until next time, later loves.