Up in the air

I do not know what to say or even blog about right now. I am feeling very broken these past few days. My world has been turned upside down and I am clinging to any normalcy right now. I feel as if I have been attacked by the people who are supposed to love and cherish me for me and I do not understand why.

My father is no support at all when it comes to my wedding. He didn’t even seem interested in walking me down the aisle. I’d go as far as to say I doubt he cares one way or another if I was in his life or not. That hurts. It’s one thing to know your parent doesn’t care but when they so clearly draw it out for you, it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I really never thought he’d be this way. Don’t get me wrong, I knew my dad would never be the father I have romanticized over throughout my childhood but I didn’t realize I was so far off the mark when it came to him. I guess in my head I thought if I got married he’d magically turn around and be the dad I always yearned for but I was stupid to think that. I really feel like every time I’m happy, I try to get close to him only to be tore down by him. He breaks me every single time but yet I’m too scared to end the relationship because what if one day he comes around? I just don’t know how to let go and be okay without him because let’s face it, I really don’t have him to begin with.

My father I can deal with but I never saw the same thing happening with my older brother. For so long it has just been me and my brother but his true colors have definitely shown through. He basically told me that money spent on a wedding should go towards more useful things like moving out or what not. While I understand that, this is my first wedding. It’s not like I’ve been married before. I am entitled to have my dream day. He even had the audacity to tell me I should have a wedding like him, at the dining room table with a sack of Krystal’s as a reception. That is all fine and dandy that you had that sort of wedding with your wife but that is your third wife and your first marriage you had a wedding. A nice wedding might I add. He even had the gall to say how he hated his first wedding after my mom shelled out so much money on it that it is not even funny. He really hurt my mom’s feeling and shattered me completely. I guess you could say I never saw that coming because I always thought my brother had my back.

I just feel so raw because I don’t understand how my family can turn on me in such a way. I was talking to my cousin Erica after the clothes closet at the church and she told me that it was okay because my Heavenly Father loves me way more than my biological father ever could and when I cry, he weeps with me. That made me feel a little better and I realize now I need to get my relationship with God right so I can be strong enough to withstand whatever is thrown at me. I am through with letting other people tear me down just to make themselves feel better. It gets really old after a while. I’ve also decided my mom can walk me down the aisle because she’s always been there for me and it should be her honor, not his duty.

I just needed to get that out and into the open. Whenever I vent my feelings on my blog I feel so much better because they are out there and said instead of bottled up. I have a lot to look forward to in my life and I hope I can be strong enough to not let others affect me. I need to finish getting dressed for church. My family has decided church is a place we all need to be right now and honestly, I’ve missed it. We also have decided to restart Thrive tomorrow so we can be healthier physically and spiritually which will lead towards emotional and mental health as well. So until next time, later loves.