Posted by admin | 0 comments

Wasted Days

Well, I still am quite stressed from all of the planning of the wedding and school stuff. I am quite sure if I had a finger pulse oximeter that you would see not only is my heart rate sky high but I don’t feel as if I am getting enough oxygen at times. Maybe I am having mini panic attacks? I start thinking about everything that needs to be done and I feel like I have a shortness of breath and start getting all shaky. It is not a good feeling at all. The planning is what is overwhelming, not the decision to get married. I know I want to be married and I know after May 1st, everything will hopefully get a little better.

I think everything being piled upon me is also making me quite exhausted. I have something going on every day up until my wedding and I do mean literally every day! I so want just a day of rest. Maybe I will get one soon. Unfortunately though, I need to head to bed. I have a new theme idea and everything but the lack of time is really squashing any hopes and dreams I have of putting it up anytime soon! Until next time, later loves.

Posted by admin | 4 comments

Up in the air

I do not know what to say or even blog about right now. I am feeling very broken these past few days. My world has been turned upside down and I am clinging to any normalcy right now. I feel as if I have been attacked by the people who are supposed to love and cherish me for me and I do not understand why.

My father is no support at all when it comes to my wedding. He didn’t even seem interested in walking me down the aisle. I’d go as far as to say I doubt he cares one way or another if I was in his life or not. That hurts. It’s one thing to know your parent doesn’t care but when they so clearly draw it out for you, it doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I really never thought he’d be this way. Don’t get me wrong, I knew my dad would never be the father I have romanticized over throughout my childhood but I didn’t realize I was so far off the mark when it came to him. I guess in my head I thought if I got married he’d magically turn around and be the dad I always yearned for but I was stupid to think that. I really feel like every time I’m happy, I try to get close to him only to be tore down by him. He breaks me every single time but yet I’m too scared to end the relationship because what if one day he comes around? I just don’t know how to let go and be okay without him because let’s face it, I really don’t have him to begin with.

My father I can deal with but I never saw the same thing happening with my older brother. For so long it has just been me and my brother but his true colors have definitely shown through. He basically told me that money spent on a wedding should go towards more useful things like moving out or what not. While I understand that, this is my first wedding. It’s not like I’ve been married before. I am entitled to have my dream day. He even had the audacity to tell me I should have a wedding like him, at the dining room table with a sack of Krystal’s as a reception. That is all fine and dandy that you had that sort of wedding with your wife but that is your third wife and your first marriage you had a wedding. A nice wedding might I add. He even had the gall to say how he hated his first wedding after my mom shelled out so much money on it that it is not even funny. He really hurt my mom’s feeling and shattered me completely. I guess you could say I never saw that coming because I always thought my brother had my back.

I just feel so raw because I don’t understand how my family can turn on me in such a way. I was talking to my cousin Erica after the clothes closet at the church and she told me that it was okay because my Heavenly Father loves me way more than my biological father ever could and when I cry, he weeps with me. That made me feel a little better and I realize now I need to get my relationship with God right so I can be strong enough to withstand whatever is thrown at me. I am through with letting other people tear me down just to make themselves feel better. It gets really old after a while. I’ve also decided my mom can walk me down the aisle because she’s always been there for me and it should be her honor, not his duty.

I just needed to get that out and into the open. Whenever I vent my feelings on my blog I feel so much better because they are out there and said instead of bottled up. I have a lot to look forward to in my life and I hope I can be strong enough to not let others affect me. I need to finish getting dressed for church. My family has decided church is a place we all need to be right now and honestly, I’ve missed it. We also have decided to restart Thrive tomorrow so we can be healthier physically and spiritually which will lead towards emotional and mental health as well. So until next time, later loves.

Posted by admin | 2 comments

Take a stand

Sadly, the situation with my father did not really get any better. I did, however, message my step-mom a long message on facebook about how I never felt loved or supported by my father. I also mentioned how he was quick to call me a loser when I became homeschooled but if he would have listened, he would have learned I was raped and had a nervous breakdown. I think my father is too quick to judge people and voice his opinions without ever thinking about the consequences. I told her that I hoped when he was basically given his death sentence with liver disease that he would finally want to get to know me. I also told her that I am amazing, because I am, and if he didn’t want to get to know me, well piss on him. I literally poured all my emotions into the message because these were things I have been wanting to say forever but never had the nerve to. For some reason, when it comes to my dad I have always cowered down, but that isn’t going to happen anymore.

Enough about him though because I don’t want to get started. I have a lot of stuff going on and opportunities I’ve been playing around with. I have been considering opening my own etsy shop and specializing in wedding invitations since I ended up making my own in the end. I have such awesome ideas if I were to make more and I really love letting my creativity flow freely. Creating new things makes me feel all zen which is quite rare for me. I will post a pic of my invites later maybe. I am in love with them right now because of the colors used. I love my wedding colors. I will post a wedding update later. For now, I just needed to update the whole father issue.

Also, there is another issue that has finally come to an end. There is no need for me to be looking up adult acne or anything of the like because I have been *knocks on wood* in the clear for two weeks. Ahh, how I have missed my clear complexion! Now only if I could get my period to show it’s ugly face I’d be happy. I’m on Yaz and have been taking it regularly but for the past two months I have not bled at all. I did have cramps this past time around but when I don’t bleed I worry. I am going to talk to my doctor tomorrow when I go about it. Hopefully I am okay but the past two days I had been hurting inside and after further investigation it feels like I have a knot inside. I am sure that is TMI but that seriously worries me since my mom had cervical cancer so anything involving my lady parts freaks me out. I plan on asking my mom and talking with my doctor as well. Thank God my mom is a nurse because I ask her some of the most off the wall questions.

Anyways, I need to get my mom going so we can go meet with the preacher and finalize the guys’ tuxes! Later ya’ll.

Posted by admin | 3 comments

I can’t believe him, seriously.

My dad needs to invest in some protective clothing as in a suit of armor because right now I am so mad and disapointed in him it’s not even funny. I have been going over our wedding budget over and over with my mom and we really need my dad to put in some money as well. Unfortunately, he basically told me I had no business getting into this situation in the first place. Seriously!? What situation am I getting in? Evidently per him I am having a big wedding and that is not the truth. A wedding is expensive even if you are doing a lot on your own. I am sorry he feels that way but seriously why take everything out on me? I really have a feeling I won’t be sleeping much tonight which sucks since I have classes tomorrow. Seriously, can people please stop crapping on me at every turn? I’m really getting annoyed with it. I just don’t understand my father and I guess I never will.

Well, I believe it’s time to dry up my tears and try to get some rest before bed. I feel so brokenhearted right now but hopefully things will get better with or without his help. I’m just done with him because all my life he’s only been there to put me down and feel worthless instead of loving and supporting me as a father should. So until next time, later.