The fog is lifting

I have been thinking really long and hard lately about just deleting this whole domain and restarting but I realized deleting this domain is deleting a part of myself and my past. Our pasts are what makes us the person each of us are today so by doing so I’d lose hold of that person which would be a bad thing. So I’ve decided just to start fresh from here on out blogging how I want to and when I want to. I always try to keep my blog positive and uplifting instead of touching base with my real feelings at time and because of that, I apologize because the new “blogging me” might come as a bit of a shock. I am not always shiny and happy. In fact, I’ve been becoming increasingly more depressed lately as the seasons change. I think I have seasonal depression because when the sun is out and shining, I am happy and when it is not I am all gloomy inside. Hopefully I will have the time and money to visit a doctor and get that taken care of soon.

As I’ve said it’s been kind of dark and gloomy in my world these past few days. Simple things seem to set me off. Like yesterday, I had plans to go to the movies with Jonathan but then I remembered I had a cooking show to go to. Jonathan was upset I made plans again and as usual something came up and then my mom was mad because she bought my ticket therefor I was going. I cried and cried yesterday over this because I was upset I let the two people I love the most down. Usually I would have brushed off the situation and worked out a solution but seeing as the seasonal depression has been lurking around me I had a breakdown. I swear I cried for a good hour and a half straight to the point Jonathan kept asking me what was wrong and I couldn’t answer him because I didn’t know. I kept telling him I couldn’t stop crying and he just laid down with me and held me telling me everything was going to be okay. That helped a little but the tears wouldn’t stop at least not right then. When they finally did stop I felt really stupid because I had just acted a fool in front of him. I also felt bad because he thought my crying was all of his fault but then I had to explain to him my whole history with depression and how I used to be on Prozac but it made me have suicidal thoughts so I stopped taking it. I don’t care what is going on in my life, it is NOT worth killing myself over and when I had those thoughts it scared the crap out of me. It also made me have horrible mood swings and I’d go from a high to a low in the matter of minutes. After stopping the medicine, I was fine and my usual self which I missed. So I guess I will consider the option of medicine again.

In other news, my mom and I joined THRIVE weight loss. A bunch of our friends have been on it and lost a lot of weight so we thought it’d be worth checking out. So far on our scale at home it looks like I’ve almost lost a little over ten pounds but now I’m worried our scale and the scale at the center won’t be the same. Even if it isn’t, I’ve done my best. I never realized how big of a battle it would be to change my eating habits but I am fighting for my life so to speak. I just want to be able to go into any store and be able to buy an article of clothing without having to go to a “fat girl” store. I was even let down when I drove an hour away to go to an Avenue and all the sizes there were 14/16 and mind you this is a store that goes up to a size 32 so I was expecting to find my size since they have such a variety of sizes available! I only found one pair of jeans in my size because I really didn’t see many sizes over a 20. I feel sorry for the people in a bigger size than I am because if I only found one pair of my size, there were literally no bigger sizes available. It was very disappointing to say the least. I officially weigh tonight so I will let you know my results tomorrow or the next blog.

And now I need to start getting ready but I will leave you with some pictures I took outside today. It was sunny and pretty outside so I thought I’d take Jack outside and our cat, Precious, decided she wanted to play with him. They had fun running around for a bit and I enjoyed watching them until Jonathan let go of the leash by accident as Jack started running and it came up and bashed my leg which is now bruised from it. Ouch. But until next time, later my loves!