It sure ain’t helping this mood I’m in

This past weekend with Rans was absolutely amazing. It was so carefree and comfortable being around him 24/7 and his house was welcoming. I had no problem being there by myself while he was at work either. I felt safe and like I was in my own little Rans bubble being surrounded by all the things that make Rans the man he is that the thought of being by myself never entered my brain. He went out of his way to make me feel like the center of the world and told me the whole weekend was about me. I’ve never felt so special in my life and I feel beautiful because I look at myself through his eyes now. I’ve never taken the time to think about how he sees me and I’ve never been so in love yet alone so sure about it. We spent a lot of time talking about our future and even our future kids. It was fun and for once I didn’t feel the need to bolt when the future came up like I usually do. So all in all, my weekend went amazingly well and I was in such a good mood when I came home yesterday.

Today, on the other hand, has gone to hell in a hand basket. For the past two or so weeks I’ve been working on a research paper with my topic being the Lost Boys of Sudan. I felt really confident on my paper and thought for sure I’d get at least a high B but boy was I wrong. I received a 78 and damnit, I was and still am pissed. He said I didn’t have my five citations within the paper but nowhere on our rubric or research paper information did it say five citations. It did say five SOURCES though from where our research came from. I’m just upset and feel like no matter what I still fail in my writing. I told the teacher that I loved writing until I took his class and now I hate it. I feel like my work is always picked apart and given a grade I don’t feel I’ve earned. I had tears in my eyes at the end of the appointment and wanted to get out of there so bad. I went to the bathroom and tried to control myself before I had a full-out break down. While in the bathroom this girl I know walked in and tried to cheer me up and said she was a big crybaby when it came to school which kind of made me feel better. I wasn’t trying to cry but I was so upset and mad it put me to the point of tears. I did bite my lip and held it together while in his office which I am really proud of. I didn’t like the fact that I had to walk into my education class with obvious teary-eyes but the class rallied behind me which made me feel a lot better. I guess their support made me feel like I was a part of something and belonged. It also helped texting Rans and hearing what he had to say. He instantly makes me feel better. I told him I wished I was back at his house in his bed so I could be surrounded by the scent of his room which immediately makes me feel at ease. That kind of sounds weird but my man smells good and certain scents make me feel better. I guess I am weird like that.

So what have I learned from this experience? That sometimes, teachers suck and you just gotta deal. Let it all roll off your back because I don’t have that much longer in this semester. Sadly, I have him this Fall as well but I won’t have to see him thankfully. I can study for our midterm and final and work harder on my papers. I will get a high B at least in this class come hell or high water and a C is not acceptable in my book. I have a lot of work cut out ahead of my but I can get through it. Right now I’m just looking forward to tomorrow night when I’ll be meeting up with Rans in Cartersville again so I can go back to his house. I miss him terribly. I know I go on and on about him but I can’t help it. He is such an established part of my life and I can’t imagine it without him. I really don’t think I’ve ever been in love before him; I always thought I was but if this is what love truly feels like, I never was. I really think that if I have to question if it was love or not then that’s a key clue it wasn’t. I’m just thankful that for once I’m in a good place in my life and things are stable around me. So I have a sucky class, so what? If that’s the least of my worries, man, I have it truly made!