One of them days!

It seriously must be one of those days cause I am in a real sucky mood. I think my mood has carried on from yesterday to be quite honest and I have no idea why. I seriously think I could’ve done some serious damage to anyone that pissed me off yesterday but luckily for everyone around me, no one pissed me off!

I was so irritated and mad at Rans yesterday and I’m really unsure why. I guess I am feeling like in our relationship, and every other relationship I’ve been in for that matter, I am always the one that loves the most and cares the most. I guess just once I wish I could feel like a fairytale princess and bag myself a prince. Rans is a really great boyfriend, don’t get me wrong, but maybe he’s not the boyfriend I want him to be. I know, this sounds extremely selfish and self centered but I just want to for once feel like I am one of the most important things in someone’s life. I think the fact that if I don’t text/talk to him once a day, even just to say hello, I feel all sad and lonely but he can go days without talking to me and he’s fine with it. I guess I feel like I spend my time missing him but am unsure if he really misses me.

So after not hearing from him all day yesterday, I confronted him. He said we were okay, he loves me, and yadda yadda. This was all going on while he was working so I thought okay we had the conversation I’m sure he will text me when he gets off of work and we can finish our conversation and straightening things out between us. WRONG. In fact, I’ve not heard of him since early yesterday evening. Am I seriously overreacting? I really feel like just waiting to see how long it takes him to message me without me messaging him first. I even asked him his next off day and he said he didn’t know. He always knows so I’m thinking he’s pulling a famous disappearing act again. Back when we first broke up he did this the whole week before we broke up. That is why I am so paranoid. I don’t want this to end but at the same time if all he is doing is playing games he needs to stop. I hate the unknown so much.

The real reason I’m upset is because I NEVER let people in. I just am not programed to do so but I let him in. I feel vulnerable cause he knows more about me than anyone and maybe he doesn’t like what he sees in the real me? I just feel all exposed and now I can’t hid behind the fact that he doesn’t know the real me cause he does. I just feel alone. I hate feeling like that.

So since I’m all emo and sad, I’m going to watch some gorey goodness with Manda. We’re going to see My Bloody Valentine in 3-D tonight. I’m sad and she has a day off finally so what better excuse? Obviously I need to get dressed so until next time, later gators.