The Silent Burdens We Carry

I never realized how like my mother I am. We had a long talk tonight and after the conversation, I had to come to my room and just let it all go because I couldn’t hold my tears in any longer. Why is it that we are taught by society that if you aren’t a perfect size one or if you have curves that you are undesirable? Why are we taught that bigger people only get that way by pigging out and sitting on their lazy butt when not all cases are like that? Why do some people think it’s their God given right to make others feel like crap and worthless? I don’t understand these things, seriously, I don’t.

When I was growing up, I was an average size kid. When I was seven, I was molested by my grandfather. This memory still haunts me to this day considering only my mom and my grandmother knows and my grandmother has passed away and because I still have to see him at Christmastime when I go to my dad’s. After the molestation, I changed. I wasn’t the happy kid I once was, I had an internal battle over the fact I couldn’t understand what had happened to me or why he did the things he did to me. So begins the long road of things to make me turn to food as a friend and as something to cheer me up. When I was thirteen, I was a bigger girl but I was okay with it but soon after that, I couldn’t lose weight no matter how hard I tried. I found out like most of my family, I had hypothyroid and my levels bounced around even when I was on medicine.

Then we fast forward to fifteen where I was sexually abused on a daily basis by a friend. He manipulated me since I had a falling out with my best friend and wasn’t feeling being in the crowd I was in at the time. Two of my best friends became home schooled and I just didn’t feel like going to school. I was harassed and picked on because I wasn’t skinny and I just took it because I didn’t feel like I was worth standing up for. I felt worthless and the more the friend did to me, the farther I sank until I was so deep inside my dark place, there was no turning around. I stopped going to school and became home schooled myself since my mom had recently gotten in a car wreck which deemed her disabled. So while I studied and finally got rid of the “friend,” I still stayed in my dark place within myself and never really felt the need to leave my room or my house. At this time, I was trying to lose weight and trying anything to make myself feel better. I had went to another doctor who took me off my thyroid medicine saying I didn’t need it anymore. That made things worse. Within the year I was off of my medicine, I gained 50 pounds. That whole year, I dieted and exercised so by no means was I sitting on my big butt doing nothing. I was walking a mile and a half every day, sometimes longer and eating healthy for once but I still kept gaining.

Finally, I went to a new doctor and got back on my thyroid medicine but my levels still go up and down. The point is, I am a big girl and I have tried to do something about it with no progress. I am still haunted by the torture I went through as a child and all of the names people called me, they still hurt. Just because I am in some people’s eyes fat, doesn’t mean I don’t hurt.

I honestly have no clue why I’ve typed all of this. I guess maybe if people read they will realize wow, the things I say could hurt other people not just today, but down the road. I by no means sit in my bed and go over in my head things people say, it’s just if you hear something over and over you are bound to start believing it. And if I can touch one person or make someone feel like they are not alone in this world, then I’ve done my part. Luckily, I have a mom (more like best friend!!) who knows how it is to go through all of this. That’s all for now. Sorry for such a depressing blog, I just have not stopped crying since my mom and I’s talk and I needed to blog.