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The Turkey Blues

I really wanted to make a post on Thanksgiving but I have been so busy. A few days before Thanksgiving, Rans and I decided that he wouldn’t be up here since he wanted to spend Thanksgiving with his family. He is an only child and he couldn’t miss his mom’s Thanksgiving just like I couldn’t miss my mom’s. That was fine with me until my dad called and left me a voicemail inviting me over to his house for Thanksgiving at noon. This totally shocked me.

I have not seen my father since Father’s Day and have not talked to him since my birthday in September when I was supposed to go get my birthday card from him but never did. He also mentioned me card in the voice mail. So I literally text Rans that instant and beg him to go to Thanksgiving with me. For the longest I’ve wanted to be closer to my dad and I felt so unwelcomed because I was never invited by him to anything. He always relied on my brother to tell me but this time, he called me and I even got it recorded! Ha. Since Rans knew this was a big deal to me, he agreed to go so he could be there to support me. No, he didn’t say yes just to meet my father, he said yes because he knew I needed him and he is an amazing boyfriend.

Sadly, the night before Thanksgiving I got hardly any sleep since I had a lot of cooking to do to make up for the hour I’d miss the next morning being at my dad’s. In my family, I cook most of the Thanksgiving meal with my mom and sister, Beth. I didn’t get into bed until at least 5 AM and then had to wake up at 10 AM to get some things started before I left. I was shaking all morning long because for some reason, my dad makes me extremely nervous. Once we got there, I lightened up. My dad and step-mom really liked Rans which I knew they would. He is amazing and so respectful and nice. How could you not like him? Lol. Not only that, he’s my best friend and per my step-mom we make a cute couple.

Now per my title I’m sure you can tell something bad must have happened on Thanksgiving and I am getting to that part now. After we ate and then fed the horses, I stepped inside to tell my step-mom bye. Also, this was Rans’ first time being on a farm and seeing horses up close and personal and feeding/petting them so it was cool for him. The look on his face was priceless. My step-mom asked me if I had heard about my daddy and I was like no. She then told me he had Stage 4 Liver Disease and they are unsure how he got it. There are four stages and he’s at the last stage which is the worst. They might be able to try medicine once they know how he got it and if not, he’ll have to be put on the donor list for a liver transplant. When she told me that the breath rushed from my lungs. I felt like I was being suffocated and I had to get out. After she told me that I told her we had to go and then told my dad bye and left.

I had so many thoughts running through my mind like is this God’s idea of a sick joke!? To dangle him in front of me and then threaten to take him away from me once I get him back in my life? My step-mom told me he missed me and he’d love to hear from me and see me more often so I vowed I’d call more and go see him more and I will. I love my daddy and I will do anything he needs me to do to make things better. On the way home I broke down. I thank God for Rans because he helped me keep it together and tried to help me look for the positive as in medicine might help and that he knew people that had liver disease but lived long lives. I’m just hoping and praying for the best. To everyone reading this, please keep my dad and my family in your thoughts. We really need it.

The rest of my Thanksgiving went well. It was an exhausting day and an emotional day having to deal with my thoughts and feelings about my dad and his disease. I just, didn’t know what to do after I heard the news and then Rans had to leave so I was in turmoil. It’s weird how without Rans I feel so alone and nothing makes sense but when he is around I see clarity.

I need to decide on what I want to eat so I can go watch some movies or something. Got to get my head away from the negative thoughts and on to something else. So until next time, later gators! I hope everyone had a safe and happy Thanksgiving for those Americans out there that celebrate it!

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Bad Blogger!

I’ve seriously been a horrible blogger. All of my people I usually comment on, I apologize profusely. I’ve been busy lately so I haven’t had time to blog. Or maybe I’ve had stuff to blog about, I just needed to get things straight in my head before I blogged about them ya know?

Last week, I went to my doctor. I was so excited to go because I had decided I was finally ready to take weight loss seriously. I’m at a point in my life where I am seriously considering walking down the aisle and having babies and all that jazz. In order to do so, I want to be healthy. I don’t care about looking better or whatever, I just want to be healthy so I can enjoy my life. My father was diagnosed with diabetes which puts me at an even greater risk to be diabetic myself so that’s another reason to take the weight thing seriously. I’ve always wanted to lose weight, I just needed to get prepared mentally for it first. I’ve finally shed the unhappiness and the inner darkness Kate so I’m ready to get started.

When I brought up the subject with my doctor, she immediately popped my happiness bubble. I thought she’d give me some suggestions on maybe vitamins, a gym recommendation or whatever but no, she told me to become a vegetarian because you don’t see overweight vegetarians. I was heartbroken. I just didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything at all. I understand that my doctor is skinny and maybe she doesn’t know the trials and tribulations to be overweight and be faced with a long, hard journey but I really think she could have said something more than be a vegetarian. Or maybe I just thought in my head she’d be supportive. I don’t know what I was expecting to be honest. All I know is on the car ride home I cried like a baby because I feel like I needed my doctor’s support and words of wisdom to help me out to get started but I didn’t get that.

I can go without a lot of things food wise and I am ready to make sacrifices but to totally cut things out will not work with me. I have to take things gradually. It’s bad enough that I don’t eat how I’m supposed to. I eat about a meal or two meals a day and that’s it. My mom and boyfriend have started to crawl my butt every time I feel light headed and weak from not eating because I need to take better care of myself. I am starting to eat the designated three meals a day plus two healthy snacks. I’m just picky about what I put into my mouth and I’m sorry but I’m a Southern girl, I gotta have my meat!

So my thoughts on my doctor? Screw her. I can do this but on my own terms. I know in some cases that isn’t always the most ethical way to do things but I do understand I need to burn more than what I take in but since I haven’t been eating the way I should be lately, I need to get on a balanced diet and schedule to get my body back in order. So, this shall be a fun ride. I don’t plan on starting til after the holidays. I’m sorry but I want to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am going to cut back after Thanksgiving and get used to eating three meals a day. I don’t really eat a lot Christmas since I do most of the cooking but I don’t want to feel guilty if I eat that holiday. I guess I’m made to feel guilty when I eat because I am overweight. I know that if my thyroid level was where it’s supposed to be at, all my past attempts at weight loss would’ve worked. My old doctor flat out told me this because every time I cut back and no results, I feel like a failure. I’m trying to work on not feeling that way though. Luckily for me that I have a supportive family and an even more supportive boyfriend.

I need to go defrost some chicken for dinner so until next time, later gators!

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Ugh, WHY!?!

Okay I am a big TV fanatic and most of those that know me know how true this is. Well, I have to rant before I go insane. I don’t know how many of you watch Ghost Whisperer but UGH! Why the heck did they let Jim die? I understand the new storyline but that completely blew me out of the water. They were the perfect couple, getting ready to have a baby, and now, he’s dead. And the way they did it just made me sob. I just was speechless. And last night’s episode made me cry as well when she talked about moving on and letting go. I just can’t imagine losing my boyfriend and watching that made me realize how lost and lonely I’d be without him. Poor Melinda! Every season they make someone close to her die like Andrea, her dad, and now Jim. When will they start being nice to her?

On the upside, two of the hunks from Passions are now playing on Days of Our Lives. Oh sweet Luis, you are so back in my life! Heh. I am uber happy about this. I need to get dressed, take Selena to a birthday party, and find something to do with Rans until we have to pick her back up. So until next time, later gators!

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The Silent Burdens We Carry

I never realized how like my mother I am. We had a long talk tonight and after the conversation, I had to come to my room and just let it all go because I couldn’t hold my tears in any longer. Why is it that we are taught by society that if you aren’t a perfect size one or if you have curves that you are undesirable? Why are we taught that bigger people only get that way by pigging out and sitting on their lazy butt when not all cases are like that? Why do some people think it’s their God given right to make others feel like crap and worthless? I don’t understand these things, seriously, I don’t.

When I was growing up, I was an average size kid. When I was seven, I was molested by my grandfather. This memory still haunts me to this day considering only my mom and my grandmother knows and my grandmother has passed away and because I still have to see him at Christmastime when I go to my dad’s. After the molestation, I changed. I wasn’t the happy kid I once was, I had an internal battle over the fact I couldn’t understand what had happened to me or why he did the things he did to me. So begins the long road of things to make me turn to food as a friend and as something to cheer me up. When I was thirteen, I was a bigger girl but I was okay with it but soon after that, I couldn’t lose weight no matter how hard I tried. I found out like most of my family, I had hypothyroid and my levels bounced around even when I was on medicine.

Then we fast forward to fifteen where I was sexually abused on a daily basis by a friend. He manipulated me since I had a falling out with my best friend and wasn’t feeling being in the crowd I was in at the time. Two of my best friends became home schooled and I just didn’t feel like going to school. I was harassed and picked on because I wasn’t skinny and I just took it because I didn’t feel like I was worth standing up for. I felt worthless and the more the friend did to me, the farther I sank until I was so deep inside my dark place, there was no turning around. I stopped going to school and became home schooled myself since my mom had recently gotten in a car wreck which deemed her disabled. So while I studied and finally got rid of the “friend,” I still stayed in my dark place within myself and never really felt the need to leave my room or my house. At this time, I was trying to lose weight and trying anything to make myself feel better. I had went to another doctor who took me off my thyroid medicine saying I didn’t need it anymore. That made things worse. Within the year I was off of my medicine, I gained 50 pounds. That whole year, I dieted and exercised so by no means was I sitting on my big butt doing nothing. I was walking a mile and a half every day, sometimes longer and eating healthy for once but I still kept gaining.

Finally, I went to a new doctor and got back on my thyroid medicine but my levels still go up and down. The point is, I am a big girl and I have tried to do something about it with no progress. I am still haunted by the torture I went through as a child and all of the names people called me, they still hurt. Just because I am in some people’s eyes fat, doesn’t mean I don’t hurt.

I honestly have no clue why I’ve typed all of this. I guess maybe if people read they will realize wow, the things I say could hurt other people not just today, but down the road. I by no means sit in my bed and go over in my head things people say, it’s just if you hear something over and over you are bound to start believing it. And if I can touch one person or make someone feel like they are not alone in this world, then I’ve done my part. Luckily, I have a mom (more like best friend!!) who knows how it is to go through all of this. That’s all for now. Sorry for such a depressing blog, I just have not stopped crying since my mom and I’s talk and I needed to blog.

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It’s fun to be random!

I have nothing nice to say at the moment since evidently Halloween (my favorite holiday) made me sick and now to add in with sinus problems, my Yaz (birth control) has me sick to my stomach as well. So I figured why not make a nifty little list since all I can do right now is ramble.. so ramble on!

• I miss my boyfriend. Yes, I’m taking the leap of faith and opening up. If I get hurt, I get hurt. I adore him and he is my world. You have no idea how comforting it is to know someone gives a dang about me and to have someone to talk to after a long day. Sad thing is I won’t get to see him or spend time with him until Sunday IF then. Stupid work schedules!

• My bestest friend, who I met via blogging and sites coincidentally, officially booked her plane ticket to Atlanta! Watch out Atlanta, Kateness and the awesome Mary (blog will be up & running soon) are going to take the city by storm! The boyfriend is going to go with me to pick her up since I’ve never been to the airport before and I hate driving at night, nevertheless in city traffic!

• My dog got out last night and we chased him for a good hour. I think he burnt his paw in the fire my step-dad had burning and our wild cat, Baby, attacked him as well. Poor Jack! Finally, a neighbor from up the street was walking her dog and Jack decided to stand his ground so the boyfriend had time to go snatch him up and bring him inside. My dog is a weenie dog but swears he is as big as a Pitbull!

• I finished the book I was reading. Specials by Scott Westerfield is a great book even though I feel horrible for Tally. Reading is one of my favorite past times and something I do daily. Since my stomach has been upset, it’s kept me company in between puking my guts up. Yes, I’m sure you wanted to know that! Hah. My next book I’m on to reading is Shopaholic & Baby which I am already half way through. I can’t wait until the rest of my Stephanie Plum books I’ve ordered off of PaperBack Swap.

• I love candy! What are your favorite candies? I’m sure we have some since we have over half of our candy left over. Evidently, everyone in town went to the football game instead of trick or treating which I don’t blame them. High school and college football games are the best! I am just glad we still have SweetTarts left over since they are my favorite candy ever. Don’t get me wrong, I love my chocolate but there is just something about SweetTarts that I like more! After all, that used to be my nickname or one of them back in high school.

• Speaking of college football, I am seriously disappointed in my team after this past weekend’s game. C’mon dawgs, it’s time to step up to the plate!! Yes, I am a huge-mongous UGA fan! Go Dawgs!!

That’s all for now. I shall upload all my Halloween photos when I feel better. I have some pictures of Jack to upload as well. Until next time, later gators!

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