The Turkey Blues
I really wanted to make a post on Thanksgiving but I have been so busy. A few days before Thanksgiving, Rans and I decided that he wouldn’t be up here since he wanted to spend Thanksgiving with his family. He is an only child and he couldn’t miss his mom’s Thanksgiving just like I couldn’t miss my mom’s. That was fine with me until my dad called and left me a voicemail inviting me over to his house for Thanksgiving at noon. This totally shocked me.
I have not seen my father since Father’s Day and have not talked to him since my birthday in September when I was supposed to go get my birthday card from him but never did. He also mentioned me card in the voice mail. So I literally text Rans that instant and beg him to go to Thanksgiving with me. For the longest I’ve wanted to be closer to my dad and I felt so unwelcomed because I was never invited by him to anything. He always relied on my brother to tell me but this time, he called me and I even got it recorded! Ha. Since Rans knew this was a big deal to me, he agreed to go so he could be there to support me. No, he didn’t say yes just to meet my father, he said yes because he knew I needed him and he is an amazing boyfriend.
Sadly, the night before Thanksgiving I got hardly any sleep since I had a lot of cooking to do to make up for the hour I’d miss the next morning being at my dad’s. In my family, I cook most of the Thanksgiving meal with my mom and sister, Beth. I didn’t get into bed until at least 5 AM and then had to wake up at 10 AM to get some things started before I left. I was shaking all morning long because for some reason, my dad makes me extremely nervous. Once we got there, I lightened up. My dad and step-mom really liked Rans which I knew they would. He is amazing and so respectful and nice. How could you not like him? Lol. Not only that, he’s my best friend and per my step-mom we make a cute couple.
Now per my title I’m sure you can tell something bad must have happened on Thanksgiving and I am getting to that part now. After we ate and then fed the horses, I stepped inside to tell my step-mom bye. Also, this was Rans’ first time being on a farm and seeing horses up close and personal and feeding/petting them so it was cool for him. The look on his face was priceless. My step-mom asked me if I had heard about my daddy and I was like no. She then told me he had Stage 4 Liver Disease and they are unsure how he got it. There are four stages and he’s at the last stage which is the worst. They might be able to try medicine once they know how he got it and if not, he’ll have to be put on the donor list for a liver transplant. When she told me that the breath rushed from my lungs. I felt like I was being suffocated and I had to get out. After she told me that I told her we had to go and then told my dad bye and left.
I had so many thoughts running through my mind like is this God’s idea of a sick joke!? To dangle him in front of me and then threaten to take him away from me once I get him back in my life? My step-mom told me he missed me and he’d love to hear from me and see me more often so I vowed I’d call more and go see him more and I will. I love my daddy and I will do anything he needs me to do to make things better. On the way home I broke down. I thank God for Rans because he helped me keep it together and tried to help me look for the positive as in medicine might help and that he knew people that had liver disease but lived long lives. I’m just hoping and praying for the best. To everyone reading this, please keep my dad and my family in your thoughts. We really need it.
The rest of my Thanksgiving went well. It was an exhausting day and an emotional day having to deal with my thoughts and feelings about my dad and his disease. I just, didn’t know what to do after I heard the news and then Rans had to leave so I was in turmoil. It’s weird how without Rans I feel so alone and nothing makes sense but when he is around I see clarity.
I need to decide on what I want to eat so I can go watch some movies or something. Got to get my head away from the negative thoughts and on to something else. So until next time, later gators! I hope everyone had a safe and happy Thanksgiving for those Americans out there that celebrate it!
2 Comments »Bad Blogger!
I’ve seriously been a horrible blogger. All of my people I usually comment on, I apologize profusely. I’ve been busy lately so I haven’t had time to blog. Or maybe I’ve had stuff to blog about, I just needed to get things straight in my head before I blogged about them ya know?
Last week, I went to my doctor. I was so excited to go because I had decided I was finally ready to take weight loss seriously. I’m at a point in my life where I am seriously considering walking down the aisle and having babies and all that jazz. In order to do so, I want to be healthy. I don’t care about looking better or whatever, I just want to be healthy so I can enjoy my life. My father was diagnosed with diabetes which puts me at an even greater risk to be diabetic myself so that’s another reason to take the weight thing seriously. I’ve always wanted to lose weight, I just needed to get prepared mentally for it first. I’ve finally shed the unhappiness and the inner darkness Kate so I’m ready to get started.
When I brought up the subject with my doctor, she immediately popped my happiness bubble. I thought she’d give me some suggestions on maybe vitamins, a gym recommendation or whatever but no, she told me to become a vegetarian because you don’t see overweight vegetarians. I was heartbroken. I just didn’t know what to say so I didn’t say anything at all. I understand that my doctor is skinny and maybe she doesn’t know the trials and tribulations to be overweight and be faced with a long, hard journey but I really think she could have said something more than be a vegetarian. Or maybe I just thought in my head she’d be supportive. I don’t know what I was expecting to be honest. All I know is on the car ride home I cried like a baby because I feel like I needed my doctor’s support and words of wisdom to help me out to get started but I didn’t get that.
I can go without a lot of things food wise and I am ready to make sacrifices but to totally cut things out will not work with me. I have to take things gradually. It’s bad enough that I don’t eat how I’m supposed to. I eat about a meal or two meals a day and that’s it. My mom and boyfriend have started to crawl my butt every time I feel light headed and weak from not eating because I need to take better care of myself. I am starting to eat the designated three meals a day plus two healthy snacks. I’m just picky about what I put into my mouth and I’m sorry but I’m a Southern girl, I gotta have my meat!
So my thoughts on my doctor? Screw her. I can do this but on my own terms. I know in some cases that isn’t always the most ethical way to do things but I do understand I need to burn more than what I take in but since I haven’t been eating the way I should be lately, I need to get on a balanced diet and schedule to get my body back in order. So, this shall be a fun ride. I don’t plan on starting til after the holidays. I’m sorry but I want to enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am going to cut back after Thanksgiving and get used to eating three meals a day. I don’t really eat a lot Christmas since I do most of the cooking but I don’t want to feel guilty if I eat that holiday. I guess I’m made to feel guilty when I eat because I am overweight. I know that if my thyroid level was where it’s supposed to be at, all my past attempts at weight loss would’ve worked. My old doctor flat out told me this because every time I cut back and no results, I feel like a failure. I’m trying to work on not feeling that way though. Luckily for me that I have a supportive family and an even more supportive boyfriend.
I need to go defrost some chicken for dinner so until next time, later gators!
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